George Zimmerman is a volunteer security guard….at a gun store.
I’m convinced George Zimmerman woke up one day and said, “Hmm…I think I want to be a complete caricature of myself and total punchline for the rest of my life.”
Dude is literally walking around outside of a gun store for free, patrolling the area against robbers, and nobody hired or asked him to.
Florida…just look what you did…look at your life choices.
12:15 pm • 30 July 2014 •
Orlando Bloom tried to punch a lil bit of dust off Justin Bieber’s lip.
What is this?
Don’t do that. Don’t do peach fuzz after 8th grade. Either grow some hair or don’t grow some hair, but don’t grow some faint traces of dryer fuzz from a lint trap.
And Orlando should be hella embarrassed playing around in the sandbox with children. That man is almost FORTY and getting into fights with pint-sized douchebags over ex-girlfriends and baby popstars.
Look at this major display of bitchassness:
11:07 am • 30 July 2014 •
Things that make me feel like a New Yorker:
- Leaving the office and walking down the block for coffee
- Writing rent checks big enough to buy a used car every month
- Walking into wine shops on the way home because there was a free tasting sign on the sidewalk but not intending to buy anything
- Buying four bottles
- Drinking one all by myself in my apartment as soon as I’ve left all my work clothes in a puddle by the front door
- Seamless coupons for 20% off your first delivery
- Justifying $20 for delivery because it’s cold/hot/rainy/snowy outside
- Constantly looking for a new job on Craigslist
- Scowling at tourists who stop in the middle of the sidewalk during rush hour for group selfies
- Perpetual state of Needing a Vacation
- Walking into bars to pee while everyone else is waiting 20-deep at Starbuck’s
- Avoiding restaurants with B ratings
- Getting sandwiches from bodegas with no ratings at all
- Weather-relevant hair decisions
- Building sweat
- Making lists about NYC at the office like a jerk-off instead of finishing this mountain of paperwork
2:56 pm • 29 July 2014 •
Straight White Guy Festival in Ohio.
So, who’s coming to this with me?
I anticipate lots of baseball caps with frayed bills, John Mayer singalongs, New Balance sneakers with khaki shorts, tribal tattoos, comparing notes on their trip to an African/Latin American orphanage, Coors/Miller/Budweiser, and Asian girlfriends.
1:14 pm • 29 July 2014 •
straight white men|
Michele Bachmann might run for President; says gays want to “freely prey on little children sexually.”
I want Michele Bachmann to do three things:
- Stop planning to run for President.
- Stop filling her empty-headed followers with the idea gay people are all sex-crazed deviants.
- Learn to blink.
That’s it. That is all I want from her. She doesn’t have to apologize for her views or for inflicting her husband’s dainty wrists on us. Just go silently into that good night, far away from politics, and spend her days antiquing with her husband and learning how not to stare crazily into every camera put near her face.
6:13 pm • 28 July 2014 •
Michelle Obama says “You deserve a Congress that will work for you and your family.”
Really though, you can’t say it any plainer than that. The Presidential elections are important, but what good is the President you wanted if he’s stuck with a Congress full of people who refuse to work with him to get anything done? That’s what 1MillionVotesFor2014.com is about and I need y’all to get hungry for this upcoming election because I’m tired of those crybabies in Washington refusing to compromise because they need a diaper change and a nap.
Last year, 60% of Americans said they wish we could fire the entire Congress and start over (x). Mid-term elections are the only way to come close to achieving that goal.
5:29 pm • 28 July 2014 •
Virginia ruling opens the door for gay marriage in the Deep South.
Call your meemaws and your pawpaws. The queers are gettin hitched down in Dixie. The US Court of Appeals for the 4th Circuit ruled Virginia’s ban on same-sex marriage is unconstitutional. The 4th Circuit also includes West Virginia, North Carolina, and South Carolina, all of which have bans against same-sex marriage as well, so this ruling sets a powerful precedent for upcoming court appearances.
Still awaiting comment from Honey Boo Boo and Uncle Poodle and how they feel about Georgia possibly being next.
3:22 pm • 28 July 2014 •