If you wanna smuggle cocaine on an airplane, put it in a condom and shove it up your butt. And then, take another condom and fill it with lotion and push that up there too. If you show up on scan, whatever TSA agent pulls out that first condom full of “mysterious creamy white substance” is really not gonna bother with the second one.
One of the things that annoys me most about a lot of Christians...
…is that they act like they’re the only people in the world.
AFA has compiled a list of companies where good Christians should do their Christmas shopping based on how often the word “Christmas” is used in their advertising. Calling it the “holiday season” basically says that company hates Jesus.
So this is me, sleep. Dead to the world. And suddenly I’m wide awake hearing some kind of weird scratching, jumping, creepy howl situation going on outside my window. My first thought (why, I don’t know) was that it was the Rapture! So I sat straight up in the middle of the bed looking around my room for signs of Jesus and the sounds were by no means on their way to stopping. If anything it was getting louder. I took a quick glance over to the window, I mean quick. Like, Beyonce-headsnap quick, because I wanted to see what was going on, but I didn’t want to see at the same time.
But I caught a glimpse and it didn’t look anything like Jesus. So I looked back.
And it was two pigeons fuckin on my air conditioner. I was SoMad. I’m thinkin I’m gonna be dragged to hell and it’s just two horny birds gettin their swerve on.
Note to self: take my AC out of the window for the winter because apparently my courtyard turns into the Aviary Boom Boom Room when it gets chilly.
I'm sure you saw that racist lady go HAM on the London transit system.
She got arrested!
A woman has been arrested after an online video apparently showed a woman abusing ethnic minority passengers on a packed south London tram.
The clip, viewed more than two million times since being uploaded to YouTube on Sunday, shows a woman sitting with a child, shouting at fellow passengers.
British Transport Police said a woman, 34, had been arrested on suspicion of a racially-aggravated offence. (cont.)
London is playing no games you hear me? There is no room for racism in London.
What’s that now? Oh, you say they just had some race/class riots and the whole world is looking at them like the Hoity-Toity KKK so they need to not have random bitches on youtube spouting hate at brown people? So they arrested her as an example of “See? Everyone is equal here,” is that what you’re saying?
Oh ok. I guess I see your point.
If you haven’t seen the video, it’s after the jump. I think it’s a good educational experience, especially for white people who seem completely clueless when black people get Race Touchy. I’m about to go in on this.
I know. What the pure fuck. But. This is what happens.
Some homosexual will text me when it opens in January and be like “oh hey let’s go to that new gay club in Hell’s Kitchen” and I will be sitting on my bed making I Don’t Really Want To noises and invariably decide to go anyway so I text back a confirmation and get my mind right to be in that space.
Until they text me back like “oh btw it’s a $15 cover” and I’ll be damned if I pay a cover to spend 3 hours in a loud box with sweaty people who make me feel equal parts jealousy and superiority with a dash of rage and annoyance at how boring and SameSamey gay music taste is.
So at least now that I have been proactive and signed up, I can probably get in for free some nights. And I will have that much more money to numb my feelings with alcohol.
It’s supposed to be the biggest club in NYC after it opens, but can we talk about this promo video I snagged from the site?
Eyeroll of the day: Look at all these fucking white guys.
So this was Abercrombie & Fitch’s promo pic ahead of Black Friday with some bullshit-ass press kit talmbout how they were gonna have even more Generically Interchangeable Shirtless White Men in the store for the holiday.
Obviously I didn't wake up this morning and do any blogging.
Reason being I was so hung over I wanted to kill whoever invented alcohol. Like, what is the deal? I basically just volunteered to feel like absolute shit and for what? Everything I did yesterday I coulda done completely sober and not been wrapped around my toilet at 4am throwing up everything I’ve ever eaten in life.
I’ma just write this long ass blog about the gayest holiday weekend ever on earth because I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything and it needs to be documented for my children.
**All names have been changed so nobody ends up in jail.
Rambling Wednesdays: Why I don't have more gay friends.
So I jokingly made a post about The Saturdays, and how I need more homos with whom to throw dance parties to their music, and I got a couple of messages asking why I don’t know many gay guys.
I’m not a complainer by nature. I don’t like whining about my “problems” or going to my friends on some I’m so sad about so and so because in the grand scheme of things, my life is awesome. This practice also carries over to the Internet. I’ve blogged off and on since high school and I look back at some of those old entries and think “wow, you were a really whiny brat, bitching about everything.”
Every once in awhile I’ll get the urge to write about being gay and my personal insecurities with being gay—especially in a city like NYC with an inordinately high concentration of attractive people—but then I’m like “wait, that’s stupid, don’t write that.” Welllll…..I had a really shitty day so I’m in this weird (but familiar) headspace where I hate all gay people and I feel like putting it down for these reasons:
It’s the night before Thanksgiving. About 80% of my traffic comes during Work Day Hours and I assume random people have me bookmarked to entertain them in their cubicles. Therefore, not very many people will read this.
Most of my friends are (still) straight men. Whom I love dearly. But talking about “feelings” with a straight man is like walking in on your mom getting out of the shower. It’s really gross and uncomfortable and you want to forget it ever happened.
I don’t really have anybody in my real life that I’d want to talk to about this. I’d like for the gay (and girl) friends that I *do* have to understand my whole love/hate relationship with gay bars/culture/dating, but to sit down and complain face to face always turns into “oh but Rafi you’re so great” and that’s not what this is about. I actually really like being Me everyday. I don’t need to be pooh-poohed and patted on the head and told to buck up. It just is what it is. (It’ll be more clear later)
I feel like there are other homos (especially brown ones) who can relate. So I’ll get a bunch of messages like “OMG that’s totally me.”
I don’t remember what it was, but apparently, I said it funny. I grew up in South Carolina. Be grateful I don’t say everything funny. One of my science teachers in junior high used to say col-yums (columns), d-rowwws (rows), and immetriately (immediately). That is the foundation upon which my education is founded, ok?
Milquetoast Romney released his first campaign ad.
Let me first go on record by saying I love how Mitt is completely unconcerned with those other Republican yahoos.
[Evelyn Lozada voice] They are just completely non-muthafuckin factors in this election.
While they’re all wallowing around in their own scandals and stupidity, throwing snide remarks at each other to continue on in the competition in hopes of becoming America’s Next Top Model the Republican presidential nominee, Mitt is like “Bch pls, I had this locked up from jump” and his ad is all about Obama. His whole campaign has been based on “Well, at least I’m not those guys.” Now he’s making a lil push to say “I’m not those guys, and after I’m the nominee, this is what I believe.”
How does Sheree Whitfield have enough money to build a whole house?
Not a little, regular-people-sized house either. That’s like 8,000 square feet with a cinema and a roller rink or some shit. Where did she get that money? Isn’t she in court trynna get child support? Bitch that don’t go together at all. Either you can afford a multi-million dollar home or you need child support. If you can’t take care of your kids, then maybe you need to roll on out of “one of Atlanta’s most desirable neighborhoods” and go on over to wherever broke-ass Peter and Cynthia stay.
Realtalk though: just the phrase “one of Atlanta’s most desirable neighborhoods” is a mess. That’s like saying you got the most expensive jeans K-mart offers. I mean, I’m glad it’s the best, but you still in damn K-Mart.
Ok so let's talk about these two Snow White movies.
(Snow White & the Huntsman on the left. Mirror Mirror on the right.)
Coming out approximately 10 weeks apart in 2012, both of the trailers have now been released so let’s see why in the world two studios would release the same movie one after the other. The second one to get release, Snow White and the Huntsman, would have to be doomed to failure since audiences would have already OD’d on Miss White two months earlier right?