Pop music is doing a lot right now.

Everybody is cranking out new music videos lately.
Everybody is not, however, doing a good job.
Let’s go head to head.

Britney vs. Justin Bieber vs. Kelly Rowland vs. The Saturdays vs. Nicole Scherzinger vs. Heart2Heart vs. Rihanna

Videos after the jump.
(Send me a message or a comment or something if one of the videos stops working…you know how the internet goes all Crybaby Copyright.)

Britney Spears “Criminal”

Britney Spears - Criminal - Official Music Video HD por ornelas2305 no Videolog.tv.

Cons:
-Britney is not sexy enough to be butt-naked in a music video.
-Seeing real-life couples (that’s her man grinding up on her all x-rated like) fake-doing-it on screen is uber uncomfortable.

Pros:
-Every song on Femme Fatale is actually pretty good and this one is no exception.
-Brit looks more engaged in this video than I’ve seen her in years. She has a little sparkle and everything.
-It’s so beautifully shot. And almost romantic.

Score:
4 (out of 5)

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Justin Bieber “Mistletoe”

justin bieber - mistletoe - new official music | izlesene.com

Pros:
-Holiday music! Yes!
-I actually think the Biebs has a really nice voice.

Cons:
-Didn’t I hear this song already? But it was called “Billionaire” and had no jingle bells?
-Seeing Justin kiss anything creeps me to my core. I feel like I just saw underage lesbian porn.

Score:
3

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Kelly Rowland “Down For Whatever”

Kelly Rowland - Down for Whatever from downforwhatever on Vimeo.

Pros:
-This is one of my top 3 songs from her new album.
-Please recognize Kelly’s inner gay diva right after the 1:00 mark. Yes, ma’am!
-Kelly is looking so hot. Keep it up.

Cons:
-Does she shoot all of her videos on the same sound stage with different lighting effects? Can I get a story or an outdoor shot or anything? I know you broke, but damn. A slinky in your last video and now this dryness?
-I want you to DANCE! This is the best R&B/Dance cut of the year and you are just standing there! Am I the only one that misses Janet Jackson videos? I’m tired of watching backup dancers dance. I want the girls to get in there and show me somethin.
-This basically looks like Wynter Gordon’s “Believer.”

Score:
3.5 (mostly for the song though)

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The Saturdays

The Saturdays - My heart takes over *VIDEOCUBE* from Video Cubeone on Vimeo.

Pros:
-The girls look gorgeous, as usual.
-The song has a simple kind of charm to it.

Cons:
-Didn’t the video for “Issues” look exactly like this, but in the summer?
-For me, the point of a girl group is to make music that a solo artist couldn’t make, ie contrasting vocal lines, interesting harmonies, etc. This is not doing it at all.

Score:
2.5

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Nicole Scherzinger “Try With Me”

Pros:
-The location is nice. Even though she’s already done the jungle-video-thing before.

Cons:
-Oooooh girl. No amount of thumpa-thumpa in the world could save this dry-ass song.
-This is hella boring. A whole video of you twirling in the jungle and then in a castle singing a boring song. No ma’am. I’m a Scherzinger Fan for life and I cannot support this hot messery.

Score:
1.5

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Heart2Heart “Facebook Official”

Pros:
-It’s a boyband. And I love boybands.
-Is that Lance Bass at the beginning?

Cons:
-This is the worst song I’ve ever heard in my whole life.
-The lyrics make my pancreas die.
-These little boys are creepy to the max. I’m so mad the director felt the need to have the blonde one crunch his abs. He looks like a plucked chicken wing.
-How you have a “dance break” where nobody moves their feet????

Score:
0.5

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Rihanna “We Found Love”

Rihanna on WhoSay

Pros:
-Rihanna might turn out to be a good actress after all. I really appreciated everything she was doing.
-This is *gorgeous* times 8. It’s one of the best music videos I’ve seen all year. She’s gonna clean up at the VMAs with this beast. She was 100% committed. The chemistry was off the chain. The story is on point. It’s practically perfect.
-The clothes. I love the styling.

Cons:
-I can’t deal with this song. I love Calvin Harris but this effort is so medium-ish. Especially after the magic he created with Kelis? It could be better. And I’m still not on board with Ms. Fenty’s voice.
-Dude looks like her brother. Stop making out with your brother.

Score:
4.5

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And the winner is?

~~Rihanna!~~ Girls’ Generation, OBVIOUSLY!
(I still haven’t recovered from the amazingness of yesterday)