Taylor Swift must have kryptonite in her coochie.

That’s my only explanation for why anybody would date Taylor Swift, let alone handsome, famous, rich, seemingly sane men.

She looks like a horse.
She’s annoying.
She’s built like a broomstick.
She will write a song about you after you break up.

But mostly. She’s built like a broomstick. She’s about as curvy as a stretch of Nebraska interstate. She’s got about as much sex appeal as a Swiffer. Not even a wet jet. The regular, dry, super boring Swiffer.

And now she’s climbing up this tree:

Apparently, they met at a pre-Oscar party, yukked it up, and then went on a dinner date a few days later.

Now, at least a quarter of this country thinks Tim Tebow is the second coming of Jesus, only with better biceps. Not me, of course, but I’m just saying. He could have his pick of a lot of women. And he picks Taylor Swift? I mean, he’s supposed to be all homeschooley, high-moralsey, I-love-Jesusey, and he’s going on dates with the Hollywood HoeDown.

Or. Wait a minute. Having an a-ha moment.

Maybe she’s not a ho and that’s why she gets broke up with all the time? John Mayer is a Confirmed Manslut, and he dumped her. Same with Jake Gyllenhaal, who broke up with her via text after he spent a good hundred grand to fly her on a private jet to visit him. And we all know if you don’t give up the booty, you don’t get a callback.

Taylor Lautner is the only one she actually broke up with, because he was more into her than she was him. And obviously they didn’t have sex because T-Laut is totally gay and was just using her as a beard.

So maybe this Tebow/Swift hookup is a match made in evangelical heaven. A country sweetheart and a football star? How American is that?

Just American enough to make me vom all over myself.