Whelp. I guess now we know why Rihanna never dances in her videos.

She can’t.

Her video for “Where Have You Been” came out yesterday. I don’t know where she’s been, but I know where she ain’t been. And that’s dance class.

I get new readers regularly so let me preface this by saying a couple of things you may not know about me.

Once upon a time, I really was a moderate Rihanna fan. Her first two albums were ohkay…but Good Girl Gone Bad I thought was a pop masterpiece from beginning to end.
I cannot stand her voice. Can.Not.Stand.It. Every Rihanna single that comes out, my immediate first thought is “Ooo I wish they had given this song to so and so.” I will always be mad that “Unfaithful” wasn’t sung by Monica. Or “Only Girl In The World” wasn’t sung by Kelly Rowland. Rihanna’s voice is like skinning cats.
I got off the Rihanna Wagon when she started taking herself hella seriously. Before it was like “Oh I’m a pop star! This is so fun!” Now she’s all “I’m a serious artist and I’m so talented.” At what? Standing around in cute outfits meowing into a microphone? She don’t dance, she don’t write, she can’t sing. What is she for? I’m a fan of Rihanna’s producers because they are banging out some hits. Rihanna can go home though.

So obviously I hate this mess. I actually like the first 30 seconds or so, and I usually like Calvin Harris but this isn’t one of his best productions. ”We Found Love” was bangin. This is a throwaway. Also, I’m over the Incongruent Breakdown Sections everybody is randomly throwing into their songs. Nicki Minaj’s “Starships” would be better (still shitty, but better) if that whole higher than a motherfucker breakdown was omitted. It doesn’t work. And it doesn’t work anywhere. Everybody, stop that.

And Rihanna, po chile. She can’t dance for nothin. She is neither booming nor katting and Laurieann Gibson would probably have laryngitis screaming at her during rehearsal. Who choreographed this? Is she really patting her pussy? Did I see that right? Is she singing Where Have You Been to tampax?

A mess.

I know one thing though…Rihanna can wear some hair. I’m dying over that black poodle bob. That’s Rihanna’s real talent I guess. She still can’t sing. She still doesn’t write songs. And now we see she can’t dance. But she can really wear some hair. Yes girl, let me pay $150 to see your concert and watch you wear some hair. I can’t see that for free walking up and down 125th Street in Harlem or anything. Let me pay to watch you do it instead.

She really tried though so I guess I’m done with talking smack about Rih Rih for a while. I’ve been saying for ages that I wanted her to bust out some choreography and she gave me my wish.

I wish I could unwish it though. :-/