Who even is this trick?? Girl, bye. I don’t even know you. Get off my show.
There are two reasons why a television/film adaptation of a book needs to depart from the original source material:
- The original is too long and there are time constraints.
- The original is inferior to the new ideas being proposed.
Neither of these is happening. HBO is seemingly just randomly pulling things out of their ass……………..because they’re bored? Because they need even more sex? I really don’t know. All I know is I have These Grievances from the past few episodes and I need to get them out of me.
Grievance One - Where are Meera and Jojen?
I’ll be the first to say that Bran’s chapters in the books can bore me to tears. I have a tendency to totally skim his wolf dreams because I just need the story to progress. I don’t need all of that extra going on in his head. But isn’t Jojen kind of integral to getting Bran to understand his dreams in the first place? Plus, don’t they need a few extra hands to help with a cripple (Bran) and a brat (Rickon) as they traipse through the forest? Hodor can’t do anything but carry Bran. And Osha is just one person. Who’s gonna hunt? [spoiler - highlight to read] How are they going to split up and have Osha take Rickon if there’s no one to guide Bran? [end spoiler] That whole thing is a mess. (And don’t say they have casting constraints, because if they can make up characters out of thin air ::cough::TALISA::cough:: they can certainly put in the characters that were necessary in making the original book move along.)
Grievance Two - Osha would NEVER sleep with Theon.
Ever. Ever ever ever. Why was that even necessary? It’s not like we didn’t have enough Woman’s Clothes Fall Off Completely scenes. And why did she need to sleep with him anyway? Was her pussy so good he was rendered unconscious allowing her to sneak out? Or! Could she have just….I dunno….waited for him to fall asleep? Part of the reason the whole Ice & Fire series is so good is because of the strong female characters who don’t have to resort to sex to get ahead. So here you have a woman who managed to get herself armed and trusted in the book without baring a nipple, and the TV show makes her (unnecessarily) use her body to I guess put someone to sleep. I still don’t understand how that was relevant at all.
Grievance Three - Littlefinger would’ve been dead by now.
You’re not gonna tell me that Lord Baelish was in the same room with first Catelyn and then Arya and neither one of them put a dagger through his throat. Obviously he can’t die off yet because he’s still necessary to the plot, but HBO should never have had him traipsing all over Westeros coming into such close quarters with the only two fierce Stark women.
Grievance Four - Everything happening in Qarth.
I really don’t know what’s going on. First, props to HBO for randomly sticking a black man in to play Xaro Xhoan Daxos. I guess they heard the uproar over Girls. But whereas a black man makes sense walking through a fictionalized NYC, taking the gayest, whitest man in the whole Ice & Fire saga and turning him into an enormous, smooth-talking, manly black man is just silly. And who killed all those people and stole the dragons? That shit cray and unnecessary. They could’ve saved some of that Fake Blood Budget and got some CGI wizkid to actually show me a dragon. I ain’t seen one in a minute. Are they still there?
Grievance Five - Talisa.
Really? An ENTIRELY NEW CHARACTER? I mean, I have a sneaking suspicion that she’s gonna reveal her true identity later [spoiler - highlight to read] and actually be Jeyne Westerling and this is how they’re showing how they fell in love or whatever [end spoiler] , but why this set-up? It was just fine in the book. She’s actually annoying me anyway because no field nurse would ever talk to a King the way she does. I don’t care how cute she is. She woulda BEEN got smacked. And probably raped. Let’s be real.
Grievance Six - Ygritte.
No. I hate ALL of that. All of it. It makes Jon look weak and it makes Ygritte look like a tramp. First of all, that chase was ridiculous. You gonna tell me some dude who grew up in a castle is going to be able to give chase, outsmart, cut-off, and capture and escaped wildling who knows everything about the lay of the land? Never. I don’t even understand why they’re together. [spoiler - highlight to read] If he never lets her go free, like he does in the books, how is she going to be the one to vouch for him later when he tries to join the wildlings? She can’t say to the rest of the wildlings “He let me go when he could’ve killed me! He’s not really like them!” or whatever if he A) Actually tried to chop her head off and missed (what? did he really miss? or was that on purpose? That was whack.) and B) Didn’t let her go free to rejoin her tribe. [end spoiler]
Ugh. This is such a mess.
I was fine with most of the departures from the book because they make sense in order to condense some of the storylines. I’m fine with Shae being Sansa’s maidservant instead of Lollys’. I’m fine with Arya being cupbearer to Tywin. I’m fine with Catelyn and Robb spending ridiculous amounts of time together on a war campaign when she really should be in a castle somewhere. I’m fine with Melisandre’s shadow baby killing Renly.
But they are really showing some ass now. I’ma need for them to get it together.