Wait, tell me again why you like Rihanna?

I know I promised to lay off of her, but I just A) Saw SNL from last week and B) Heard Chris Brown’s new freestyle calling her a bitch and I just need some Rihanna stans to lay it out for me what it is about Rih Rih that you like so much.

I mean.

Can we first talk about these performances please???

Birthday Cake/Talk That Talk

I’m deadass serious: What did you like about that? Please tell me one thing you liked about this performance that is directly attributable to Rihanna. I mean, the set is cute…she ain’t do that. And “Birthday Cake” is seriously a pretty bangin track…she ain’t write that. I guess her outfit is OK (but not really)…she ain’t pick that out.

She stood in the same place the whole time, almost dancing, and being off-key. Oh, and she patted her vagina a few times. You know why she was smiling so hard in the middle? Because bitch know she ain’t got no talent, grinnin and cheesin and smilin, lookin at the audience like I am making so much money off y’all and I ain’t doin a gotdamn thang.

And thennnnnnn……….

Where Have You Been

Don’t be fooled by this shit just cause somebody got fancy and with the costumes: Rihanna isn’t doing a damn thing. This is basically karaoke in a Pier 1 Imports showroom with harem pants. She is literally sitting down doing nothing and still can’t sing on key. And po THANG when she tries to dance…you can see the boredom on the dancers’ faces, even through the headwear. In the beginning it was all BOOM, KAT, BOOM BOOM KAT, get down with the get down. Then Rihanna stood up and participated and they’re all like I’ve been studying dance for 15 years and I’m doing the 1-2 step with this basic bitch who can barely keep time.

I am just floored that she is still around. FLOORED. And she has hardcore fans. Like, people will unsubscribe from my blog because of this post. That is crazy to me.

And let’s not forget how this trick got her face turned into meatloaf by Chris Brown and then decided to put him on the hottest track on her album. Raise your hand if you thought that was a good idea because Chris Brown had turned over a new leaf and matured into a calm, gracious, responsible human being…

::crickets::

Yeah. That’s what I thought.

So how did he repay Rih Rih? By freestyling on one of Kanye’s records and calling her a bitch:

Don’t f**k with my old bitch it’s like a bad fur

Every industry n***a done had her

Shook the tree like a pumpkin just to smash her

Bitch is breaking codes, but I’m the password.

Then she tweeted something. Then he tweeted something. Then she unfollowed him. Whatever whatever.

Point is, she’s a disappointing entertainer and a disappointing person in general and I’m genuinely disappointed by people who go so hard for her.

But I would still almost be willing to forgive all of that if she’d just put out another classic like Good Girl Gone Bad, because afterward, all her albums have been just Good Music Gone Shitty.