This priest knocked up some girl and now everybody knows about it.

An investigation into his (shady) order just exposed Father Thomas Williams for getting one of his followers pregnant.

He cute though.

Fr. Williams is one of those I’m So Important priests who goes on TV all the time and writes books. Lots of books. Lemme tell you what they’re about. Because clearly I have read them all and I’m not making any of this up.

original title: A Hard-On Like This
In this coming of age story, a young man enters the priesthood at a very young age and realizes, too late, that he has an awesome dick. He prays to Jesus about not hiding his light under a bushel and ultimately decides to give sermons naked. And bless the congregation with his seed.

original title: Spiritual Progress Toward Your Vagina
A small town priest relocates to a town where all of the women are widows—their husbands were sent to fight the War on Christmas and subsequently massacred at the Battle of A Partridge in a Pear Tree. The priest holds the town together by setting each of the women on a spiritual path toward discovering Jesus and Clitoris.

original title: Blowjobs Are Greater Than You Think
Set in the 1600s, a Massachusetts settlement is having a rough time feeding all of its townspeople. They accidentally killed all of the Indians before learning how to raise crops. The town priest prays to God to send an answer to the food shortage. An angel appears to instruct him in the art of oral sex, which the priest then teaches to the townspeople, so they’ll stop making babies by accident.

original title: Knowing Anal From Vaginal
A woman and her husband seek guidance from a priest. They’ve been married for ten years and so badly wish for a child. The couple has tried everything from prayer to fertility treatments, but still with no luck. The priest quickly realizes their problem: the man is blind, and the woman suffered through abstinence-only sex education in high school.

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You should probably put those on your must-read list. You know what they say…an orgasm is about as close to god as you can get without actually dying.

Or maybe that’s just what I say.