Forget Magic Mike. I’m trynna see some actual peen on the screen.

And that ain’t where it is. I don’t know why people are so excited about that whack-ass movie. I don’t need to see any more pale white man cakes. There is enough of that in my Real Life. If there’s no cock shot, why am I paying for a $13 NYC movie ticket? To see some butts? Butts are everywhere. That’s like going all the way to Italy just to eat some basic-ass McDonald’s. I paid for Italian food!

Luckily for me, James Deen is not afraid to show the whole cannoli and now he’s in a real movie!

And Lindsay Lohan will be there too. Doing something, I don’t know.

The guy who wrote American Psycho (Bret Easton Ellis) and the guy who wrote/directed American Gigolo (Paul Schrader) are working on a ~~softcore porn flick~~ an experimental film set in LA.

From Indie Wire:

…The film will follow a small group of Los Angeles twenty-somethings, in a psycho-sexual thriller that will have both crime and redemption elements. As Ellis has suggested, both the male and female leads will have nudity as a requirement, but we’re told it won’t be employed salaciously…The picture will be shot digitally, with a VOD/Netflix style release planned.

As for who will star, casting has only just begun. There is already an open casting call for the five lead roles: Christian, a trust fund kid, power player and major manipulator, who is a film producer that enjoys filming his own three-way sex sessions; Tara, his girlfriend and former model; Ryan, a bartender and young actor who is angling for a role in Christian’s horror movie; Gina, who works for Ryan and is in love with him and is also looking for a role in the horror pic and finally, Lindsay, a former actress turned yoga instructor who is sleeping with Christian, and falling in love with him.

Lindsay has been cast as Tara, and pornstar nerd-god James Deen will be playing Christian.

I’ve watched enough Skinemax to know what this: lots of boobs. The movie will be titled The Canyons, but I’ll just avoid breast similes to mountains and boulders and such. But there will most certainly be lots of boobs. Every 10 minutes, there will be boobs. There might be a faint hint of snatch every 45 minutes or so. Somewhere around the halfway point, there will be a penis for seven-tenths of a second, most likely James’ while undressing or getting out of bed. There might be a plot and some acting, but you just record it and fast forward to all the boobs anyway.

The important thing here is that James Deen will have his wang out next to an actual celebrity. That alone makes it better than Magic Mike. Or any movie Lindsay has been in since Mean Girls.