I’m boycotting Rock of Ages because this is literally the grossest thing I have ever seen.

I can’t. I just….wait…okay, I just can’t even….wait a sec….okay, this is just so….wait, can’t hold it back anymore ::VOMITALLOVEREVERYTHING::

He is so gross. Rock of Ages should be right up my alley. Ridiculous costumes? Eighties hair band music? Mary J. Blige? All of this should spell Win. But Tom Cruise is fucking with the flow and I canNOT be bothered.

So I’m kind of mad this article is trying to shift the blame for this flop of a shitshow away from Tom Cruise. Clearly, it’s all his fault. I don’t know why they don’t know that, Andrea.

Rock of Ages flops: Is Tom Cruise’s star power dimming?
The box office heavyweight’s past films have grossed over $3 billion total, but his new movie musical barely mustered a third-place finish over the weekend
POSTED ON JUNE 18, 2012, AT 11:19 AM

Not even Tom Cruise in assless chaps could save Rock of Ages. The movie musical, which stars Cruise as ’80s-esque metal rocker Stacee Jaxx, earned a shoddy $15.1 million over the weekend, landing in third place behind the second-weekend efforts of Madagascar 3 and Prometheus. That gross is far less than a Tom Cruise-toplined film is expected to make, and subpar for the genre; similar big-budget summer movie musicals Hairspray and Mamma Mia each each earned $27 million in their opening weekends. Like Johnny Depp and Will Smith, Cruise is often considered one of the last box-office movie stars, with the impressive gross of his recent fourth Mission: Impossible film held up as proof. Does Rock of Ages’ disappointing opening mean he’s losing his star power?

It’s not Tom’s fault: Blaming Cruise isn’t entirely fair, says Grady Smith at Entertainment Weekly. Though he played heavily in the film’s promos, his role is relatively minor. Plus, the movie musical is “so far outside his action/drama wheelhouse” you can’t rightly compare it to more typical Cruise fare. If anyone is the scapegoat, it’s Julianne Hough, who’s now flopped for the third consecutive time as the lead of a movie musical, following the failures of Burlesque and Footloose.

But Cruise is at least partly to blame: Rock of Ages may have been an ensemble film, but Tom Cruise was its headlining star, says Gregory Ellwood at HitFix. That it will go down as one of the worst-performing films of his career is not a good sign. Even Knight and Day, which opened to mediocre reviews and was considered a major flop, grossed over $20 million in its first weekend two years ago.

He’ll rebound quickly: Atrocious reviews killed Rock of Ages, not Cruise’s involvement, says Contact Music. Either way, the film’s flop “is likely to be a mere blip” on the actor’s stellar track record. The monster success of Mission: Impossible 4 is still fresh enough, and a slew of imminent action-packed Cruise crime dramas, including the much-talked about Tom Clancy adaptation Jack Reacher (opening this December) and a possible fifth Mission: Impossible film, could help him rebound.

It’s Adam Sandler who should be really worried: The embarrassing box office performance of Sandler’s new R-rated romp That’s My Boy, which came in fifth this weekend with only $13 million, is more surprising than Rock of Ages’ flop, says Gabe Toro at Indie Wire. Though poorly reviewed, That’s My Boy should have debuted better with Sandler’s fanbase. But after Just Go With It and Jack and Jill “earned the ire of his longtime fans,” Sandler’s proving that “sometimes you lose an audience, and you don’t get it back.” That’s My Boy delivered his worst-performing live-action comedy opening since 1996.

(source)

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Ain’t that some shit? A whole article about how shitty Tom Cruise is, but totally not about how shitty Tom Cruise is. That Scientology money is FOR REAL. Did they just buy up every corner of the entertainment industry? I’m still mad Kirstie Alley almost won Dancing With the Stars.

First of all, Tom Cruise in assless chaps is more than enough reason to stay away from this movie. Raise your hand if you want to see his pale, old white man cakes on a big movie screen? And he is just so creepily unsexy. He’s unsexy in that “I’m so sexy, look at my awkward body” way. He’s a dwarf with crooked teeth, no lips, and some child-sized torso that makes all of his pants look jacked up to his nipples. Get off my screen.

How can Julianne Hough be to blame? Who even is she? Don’t blame that girl just for taking a part someone gave to her. Blame whoever cast her thinking she was a box office draw. I mean, if someone casts me in a movie tomorrow and it tanks, can you really say “It’s all Rafi’s fault because no one wanted to go see him.” I mean, yeah, my feelings would be hella hurt, but nobody knows me. Don’t make me the star of your shitty movie that nobody wants to see.

And to be honest, I haven’t even seen a review of this movie. Not that I even looked, because I have no desire to see it whatsoever. And that is the point. For me to cease being blinded by the fuckery that is Tom Cruise, the reviews would have to be SO AMAZING, I would literally kill myself if I didn’t go see it. And a movie of that caliber hasn’t come along since Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey. (Sally Field was just so good as Sassy, wasn’t she?)

And if this ain’t the end all, how do you go from “Tom Cruise is so shitty” to “Adam Sandler is shittier”? How is that even relevant? At least pick an actor in the same realm as Tom Cruise, like Val Kilmer or something. But Adam Sandler? That’s like saying “McDonald’s is shitty but Sarah Silverman is shittier.” They both give me cramps, but that doesn’t mean they’re in the same category.

Hollywood is a mess. What happened to being run by Jews? Did they pass the baton to Scientologists and nobody told me? Because somethin in the milk ain’t clean out there and I liked it much more when everything was nice and kosher.