Things I observed in Harlem yesterday.

Sorry if I’m about to offend you. But not really. If you’re offended, then you should probably change something you’re doing immediately.

So.

I have to move at the end of the summer so I said “Hey, let’s be proactive and look at apartments.” Why was I looking all up in Central Harlem? I don’t even go there. But the price was calling my name, and I do like fried chicken, so I thought what the hell. I just kept seeing craziness though.

To all of the Size 16 Women:
You are actually, contrary to your perception, not a size 8, spandex is not your friend, and I don’t need to know the exact shape of your vulva. I’m not sure what that’s about. I’m also not sure why leggings are still pants. Why did they become pants in the first place? They need to stop being pants. Because they’re really not pants.

To all of the angry-looking dudes with their entire ass hanging out:
You would probably get arrested a lot less often if you would pull your pants up. Not because sagging makes you look like a criminal (but it kind of does, because you’re taking style cues from CONVICTED FELONS IN PRISON), but because they’re so inconvenient. How do you run from the police if your pants are around your ankles? And let’s not forget about that whole “Freeze! Police! Hands in the air!” situation. Sorry officer, I can’t. ”Why not?!” Because my pants will fall down and I don’t want my balls hanging out.
That’s not a valid excuse. :-/
Oh, and also, you look hella gay with your cakes all out like that. Excuse me for looking, but you *must* be advertising for me and my kind, because what chick cares about your entire bootyhole outside of your jeans? What she gonna do with that?

To the white girl at Popeye’s asking if they fried everything in the same grease:
Go back to whatever Rhode Island suburb you came from, please god. It’s Popeye’s. I’m not sure why you don’t eat pork, but the fact that you are so concerned with whether they FRY PORK AT A CHICKEN RESTAURANT is beyond my powers of comprehension. What fast food restaurant has a fried pork sandwich? Where they do that at? And why are you asking them questions they don’t know the answer to? Ole girl at the cash register doesn’t know anything about the fryer. And she gets paid $8 an hour so I don’t expect her to rush off and find the answers to your questions. It’s a fried chicken joint. Get some fried chicken and keep it movin.

To the dudes holding the door open at every McDonald’s:
Do you only do that in Harlem, or do you travel to other neighborhoods as well? That is hella uncomfortable. I wasn’t even going to McDonald’s and you were steady holding the door open for me. I’m really sorry for your circumstances, but I’m not prepared to tip somebody I didn’t realize was going to be there. No, I can’t spare any extra change. That’s the reason I’m in Harlem looking for an apartment in the first place. If I had extra change, it would go toward living in a neighborhood where African ladies weren’t asking me every block if I wanted to get my hair braided. I’m not paying you $100 to break my edges off. I can do that for free all by myself.

To all the dudes on the DL looking at my booty:
I see you.
Call me.
(but only to boost my ego, because I’m really not looking to get dicked down by some brolic dude who thinks I’m a power bottom because of my fancy hair)