Mob Wives Chicago is so bad.

So bad. And, I’m just assuming here, but Chicago must be a ROUGH town if these mugs are the best VH1 could come up with. I’m not saying they’re busted per se, but damn, this is reality TV. Ain’tchu pose-da look betta than the average Jane? The Staten Island ladies aren’t beauty queens, but these Chicago broads look HOARD.

I don’t wanna go to any city where the strippers look like Pia.

But yeah, these bitches is hella ridiculous.

Christina Scoleri

This heffah is trying SO HARD to be dramatic and relevant. Renee is the “star” of the show I guess. Leah is the biggest personality. Nora is so batshit crazy and delusional, she will always have a storyline. And Pia is such a basic bitch we can’t help but watch her be lame. So, Christina throws a drink at her FRIEND OF TEN YEARS because the girl stood up during an argument. And then she got mad at some other delusional broad because the chick deleted her off Facebook. How old are we? I’m already over her and we’re only on episode two.

Leah Desimone

Leah is by far the only interesting character on the show. And I don’t mean interesting in that whole “worthwhile human being” sort of way. I just mean she’s fun to watch. Ole girl is livin in her daddy’s house and trolling the streets lookin for chubby Italians to bone. But as long as she keeps throwing out random Italian words (that I’m sure she made up) and telling people every five minutes that she woulda punched the shit outta somebody, she can be my favorite. I mean, she really has no other competition.

Nora Schweihs

This is the worst kind of person on the planet. This is the person I used to HATE seeing come into the store when I worked retail. This is the woman who would buy a pair of jeans, wear them for two years, and try to return them because the seam ripped and yell at me about how the company rips off its customers.

I guess she has the only “serious” storyline for the show, trying to find out what happened to her dad. That would make sense to me if there was some hope of him being alive. If this was a case of “my dad was on his way somewhere and disappeared!” this story would be actually interesting. But the dude IS DEAD. She wants him dug up out of the ground to prove to her that he’s actually in his grave. Why does this matter? Her mom and sister handled it, so boom. Done. They kept your crazy ass out of it because you’re crazy.

And she’s dirty and two-faced and talks about Pia behind her back like she hates her. I hope somebody punches this chick dead in her face. And did nobody tell her what the name of the show is? It’s called MOB WIVES Chicago. Meaning, you’re on the show because you have some link to the mob. Meaning, it is common knowledge that your daddy worked for the mob. How can you still pretend to think that he wasn’t a hitman? You really gonna be mad if somebody asks “was your daddy a hitman?” HE WAS OBVIOUSLY A HITMAN! Why else would the federal government give a damn about about his dead body? I can’t tell if she is really this delusional or just pretending for the cameras. But I’m over her.

Renee Fecarotta

I guess they’ve built the show around her the way they built the original around Renee Graziano. This po thang is way less fun to watch though, partly because she can’t move her face. Did you see her try to cry? It was SO PAINFUL. It was like watching someone take the hook out of a fish’s mouth. That was her face. And she talks like she’s reading lines, which she may very well be, but damn. Take an acting class or something. And stop fronting like you are so classy and so bougie and too good to hang out with a stripper. You’re on a reality TV show on VH1. Since when is that classy? At least strive for Bravo before you get high and mighty…

Pia Rizza

This woman is a stripper. A 40something year old stripper with fake tits and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s face. And everybody is mad at her because she’s still a stripper. Ladies, be more mad at the caliber of men in Chicago who are putting money in her g-string. Y’all, SHE IS AN OLD LADY STRIPPER. Busted up and selling herself for moneys.

And that last bit basically sums up this entire show.