I don’t hate *everything* ok?

So the gays are forever telling me I hate everything and everybody. #Rude

And by everything and everybody, they basically mean All Things Gay Pop.

And that’s not true.

I just hate the shitty ones.

So let me explain to you who I hate and don’t hate and why I hate or don’t hate them.

This is not a secret. That non-singing, never-dancing, no-cakes-having, drama queen can have all the seats and sit down forever. She is completely useless. The only thing she’s good at is wearing clothes. And wearing hair. So, she basically has the same skillset as a Nordstrom’s mannequin. She sounds like a llama in heat and watching her dance is like watching a controlled seizure in time with the music. No thank you.

This doesn’t mean I hate all her music. On the contrary—she has SO MANY GOOD SONGS, which basically makes me hate her (and everybody involved with her success) even more. There are plenty of Actually Talented chicks who could use a monster hit, but they all go to Little Miss Overactive Vagina.

I hate Rihanna because: She can’t sing. She can’t dance. She’s taking away good music from other people who can sing or dance.

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Love
Robyn

Robyn can’t sang, but she has a sweet timbre. The girlish tonality of her voice goes perfectly with the lyrics she writes…let me repeat…LYRICS SHE WRITES. She already has a leg up on most of those other heffahs because she actually writes her songs. Plus, Robyn COMMITS. You can try to tell that little white girl she can’t dance if you wan’t to…but she will not believe you. Everytime Robyn hits the stage, she thinks she’s Janet Jackson. I don’t know anybody who makes Awkward White Dancing look that cool. Plus, Robyn has been putting out high-quality Europop all by herself for over a decade.

I love Robyn because: She writes good music. She commits. She’s not annoying.

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Hate
Lady Gaga

Realtalk: my hate for Lady Gaga actually softened considerably after watching her live. Miss Germanotta is clearly a hard-worker. She puts so much time and effort into her performances, the outfits, the choreography, all of that. And she sings live. I would be a Lady Gaga fan if I liked her music.

But.

I don’t. Because it all sounds the same.

One day I queued up a bunch of Lady Gaga songs and clicked the 1 minute mark on each one. They basically blended together fairly well because 80% of her songs are the same tempo. Plus, I arrange marching band music. Whenever I get a request from a school to do one of her songs, I know that’s a quick $400 in 20 minutes because uses the same chord progressions over and over.

I just want her to let someone else write her songs. She’s a decent dancer and a passable singer, but she doesn’t have the chops for songwriting. Let somebody else do that while you find new ways to wear animal products.

I hate Lady Gaga because: She thinks she’s a better artist than she is and she won’t let other people write her music for her.

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Love
Madonna

Do I need to really explain this? Madonna has been my ride-or-die chick since birth. I give her so much respect for changing her sound album after album and still developing a rabid fanbase. Hard Candy? Urban pop. Erotica? Deep House. Ray of Light? Electronica. Bedtime Stories? R&B. Confessions on a Dance Floor? Dance. I don’t always agree with everything she does, but props are due to anybody who can stick with the same career for 3 decades.

I love Madonna because: She makes good music. She doesn’t play it safe.

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Hate
Katy Perry

Again, do I really need to explain this? Her voice IS.SO.BAD. Pick up any dictionary, and you will find her picture next to the word “caterwaul.” Her voice makes no sense. I think she’s trying to be Alanis Morissette and Whitney Houston? But trashy? Everything she wears gives me a seizure and her music is the aural equivalent of McDonald’s: It might go down easy, but it will give you the shits.

I hate Katy Perry because: She sounds like someone is always kicking her in the throat, which someone should be doing, but they’re not, so she should stop sounding that way.

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Love
Kylie Minogue

This one surprises some people because I’m such an picky elitist with my gay pop and she should be on my hate list. She can’t dance. She doesn’t write. And she’s not a great singer. But you know what? I *like* her because she knows her place. Rihanna decided years ago that she was a serious artist and we should respect her. She forgot her lane. Lady Gaga takes the whole game so seriously she *never* looks like she’s having fun. She forgot pop was supposed to be fun. Kylie is like “Look…this is pop music. Let’s have a ball.” She never throws shade, gives respect where it’s due, and just puts out fluffy gay music with cute videos and no drama.

I love Kylie because: She is what a pop star is supposed to be—fun, addictive, cute, and drama-free.

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I’m not in love or hate with anybody else. Everybody else straddles the line depending on what they’re doing. I love Christina when she’s making music; I hate her when she forgets her dress size and looks like a stuffed sausage. I love Beyonce when she’s giving me Diva Attitude Werq Music; I hate it when she sings ballads because she’s screaming at me and I didn’t do anything wrong. And I tolerate Britney because you have to. I don’t like her very much, but it’s just wrong to kick the one-eyed kitten who’s missing a leg and has bald patches and fleas.

You just feel bad for it and give it some extra Fancy Feast.

If I missed anyone, they’re probably irrelevant at the moment and should spend less time making weight loss commercials and more time plotting a comeback because the music scene needs you to release another Control, please.