Janet Jackson is a G.

I don’t know why y’all were so surprised that Janet allegedly slapped Paris. I don’t trust any grown-ass woman who whispers all the time. Obviously she is working through some things and could snap at any moment.

Aside from that though, she has some gangsta-like tendencies and she learned them from her momma.

When I was 7 or 8, I found a Michael Jackson biography in my house. I think it was my sister’s, and seeing as how I thought I was a tiny adult, I decided to read it, which was one of the best decisions of my young life. That thing was amazing, especially the part where Katherine and Janet beat this heaux down.

Apparently, Joe was having an affair with some lady at his office—possibly a secretary—and Katherine was having none of that. So, she and Janet went down there, roughed that trick up a little, put the fear of god (well, Jehovah, cause they’re Witnesses) into her, and she quit. Clearly, Janet is no stranger to a well-placed pimpslap, and Paris probably deserved it anyway. Not that I’m taking sides in this debacle; I’m just saying. If Janet Jackson slaps you, you just take it, thank her, and move on with your life. It’s Janet Jackson.

Do we even know if she slapped that girl forreal, or are we still working in the realms of Allegedlys? Even if there’s no proof, she probably did it. We all know Joe beat the hell outta all of his kids and they all manifested that abuse into some form of crazy. Michael was permanently locked in his childhood; Janet whispers about S&M and enjoys the pleasure of coffee enemas (WHAT); Jermaine wears shoepolish hair; LaToya is LaToya. They’re all crazy.

I hope they get this settled soon because I don’t like this Real Life Crazy. I like to keep all my drama securely in the realm of VH1 reality shows, watching chickenheads and trashbags compete to see who can say “bitch” the most in 45 minutes. I don’t like to see real families with their dysfunction on Front Street like that. And all this drama is taking Janet away from what’s really important, which is trying to remember how to make a hit twelve years after All For You.

I know one thing this drama has brought back to life though and that’s this picture of Michael and TJ from way back when:

Ok.

Now.

I don’t believe Michael molested anybody. But still. It’s probably not a good look to be accused of touching little boys and then take pictures with your nephew all Bel-Ami’d out showing a corner of his brand new pubes.