Gymnastics Roundup!

(This is perfection, btw.)

There’s a ton of gymnastics coverage, but nobody is talking about the really important things. So let’s do that.

How much money is Gabby Douglas gonna get out of these historic wins?
Which Olympian has the most unexpectedly hot brother?
How old is too old to be a gymnast? One of them is 37 with a good chance of winning a medal.
How big is Danell Leyva’s penis, really?

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Gabby Douglas

Women’s gymnastics is one of the marquee events at the Olympics. I sorta knew that was true, and then I read somewhere that the women’s all-around medal is potentially one of the most lucrative wins as far as future endorsements. But, last night when we were in a bar surrounded by mostly straight men, eyes were glued to the television. Audible noises were heard when a gymnast bobbled on balance beam. Cheers erupted when landings were stuck. Clearly, gymnastics is a big deal outside of little gay boy dreams.

So is Gabby gonna be rich now that’s she’s made history? Maybe.

Forbes has an article kind of downplaying her win. Yes, it’s an amazing physical feat as well as a permanent bookmark in history, but America has won the women’s all-around 3 times in a row now. It’s just not as special as it used to be. And with the country in a recession, gymnasts (like Nastia Liukin) are finding it harder to bag endorsements. They’re not like ball-players, in the news year round, always in the front of the public consciousness. Gymnasts go away and we don’t care about them for a few years. Plus, swimming is the big deal right now, with Michael Phelps getting all the money under the sun. And Ryan Lochte being gorgeous and doofy and camera-ready.

In the end, Forbes says she won’t get as much money as she would have, say 15 years ago. And I felt bad for her. But then I realized I was reading Forbes and a little bit of money to them is still $2-3million dollars. You gon’ head, Ms. Douglas. I hope you have an accountant in the wings, girl. I don’t wanna hear about you pulling a Jaimee Foxworth in nine or ten years…

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Jordyn Wieber’s brother is ridiculous.

Somewhere in multi-million-dollar compounds built by gay porn, Sean Cody and Corbin Fisher are about to cut somebody, trying to outbid each other to get Ryan Wieber into one of their videos.

No shade to Jordyn, but she is real extra regular:

I don’t know how those genes are in the same family.

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Oksana Chusovitina is 37 years old.

From Wikipedia:

Chusovitina’s career in elite gymnastics has spanned more than 20 years. She won the USSR Junior Nationals in 1988 and began competing at the international level in 1989, before many of her current rivals were even born. She is the only female gymnast ever to compete in six Olympic Games, and is one of only two female gymnasts to compete at the Olympics under three different national teams: the Unified Team in 1992; Uzbekistan in 1996, 2000 and 2004; and Germany in 2008 and 2012. Chusovitina has also competed in 10 World Championships, three Asian Games and three Goodwill Games. In addition, Chusovitina holds the record for the most individual world championships medals on a single event (9, on the vault).

Chusovitina is also one of only a handful of women, along with Cuban Leyanet Gonzalez, Soviet legend Larisa Latynina, and Dutch Olympian Suzanne Harmes, to return to high-level gymnastics and international competition after becoming a mother. Australia’s head women’s coach, Peggy Liddick, said Chusovitina is a role model and an inspiration.

She’s a mom and she’s almost 40 and she has a good chance of winning another medal at this Olympics on vault. In Beijing she won silver and then retired. But I guess he got bored and was like “oh lemme just do this again real fast” and won three silver medals between 2011 and this Olympics. Other moms have competed, but please recognize the difference between the gymnastics of Larisa Latynina’s day and the brutal pounding gymnasts go through currently. And Chusovitina has been doing it for twenty years. Amazing.

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Danell Leyva’s junk.

People are all up in arms because some (not even that) racy shots of him showed up on the internet. I have seen some wild estimates about this cat and his wang, so let me, as an expert and specialist in the area, clarify a few things.

First, he’s really cute, and he’s got a really nice body. But y’all act like you never saw a buff dude in his underwear before. This is only as exciting as it is because it was supposed to be private so it’s like you’re seeing something you weren’t supposed to. Acknowledge the hotness, and move on. Let’s stop dwelling.

Secondly, his penis is really small. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Big dicks get obnoxious anyway at times. But really. The dude is 5’7 at best and his jimmy—fully erect—doesn’t even reach up to the waistband of his drawls.

Observe:

It’s not a new optical illusion. 75% of gay porn stars are below-average height because it makes their perfectly average cocks look enormous. Know how I know? Because they dance on the bars in their little jockstraps and g-strings here in NYC and some of those ceilings are really low. And then they climb down to take a break and they come up to your shoulder.

But anyway, let’s add this up.

Average Face + Above Average Body + Below Average Penis = Perfectly Average.

So we can move on from that and focus on how he got a bronze medal in the all-around and he’s a really awesome athlete.

(Unless a real cock shot or a grainy sex tape comes out, and then I’ma be right there with you.)

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And that is your gymnastics round-up.
Somebody hire me.
My coverage is way better.