And waaaaaay too many reasons to wish she’d sit down down somewhere. People like to tell me “oh you hate everything; why do you hate everything?” But please read this next sentence and tell me how not to be annoyed:
Beyonce is shopping a documentary about herself.
What am I supposed to do with that? How do you respond to that with something nice?
Beyoncé Knowles has donned many guises in her entertainment career — musical superstar, fashion icon, actress (yeah, we’ll even count her “Pink Panther” turn).
Now she’s looking to add a rather different notch: documentary director.
Knowles and her representatives at agency ICM have in recent weeks been shopping a nonfiction film to Hollywood studios about the celebrity’s life and career.
According to a person familiar with the package who was not authorized to talk about it publicly, the movie is as a mix of music and personal study, blending concert footage with confessional interview. Knowles not only stars in the project but is directing it, and will also serve as a producer. About 20 minutes of footage has been shown to distributors.
First of all, when someone says “I directed a documentary” my initial thought doesn’t picture you in interviews talking about yourself and picking the best clips of yourself where you look the cutest. That doesn’t sound like a documentary. That sounds like a Youtube channel.
And why do we even need this? Is there anything about Beyonce we don’t know other than her blood type and preferred brand of tampon? She has had her life documented since she was a tiny little nobody, running on treadmills in her high heels. Was that whole mini-movie she did for 4 just a pre-cursor to this? Cause y’all can have that. I was so bored I actually considered watching an episode of Friends in the middle, and you know I don’t even do white comedies.
I just don’t need anymore Beyonce in my consciousness.
This is what I want you to do, Beyonce.
Go away and raise your baby for a little while, two years at least. And I mean go ALLLL the way away. Remember when you took a year off before 4 but were still in my face everyday? No, go away forreal. Then. Go back to “Why Don’t You Love Me” and work on that sound some more. Find some stage outfits that don’t look like panties, because I know your upper thigh meat better than I know my own at this point. And then come back. Oh, and do some actual dancing at your concerts, because we are finally getting hip to that trick of just walking aggressively back and forth across the stage and you can’t pull the wool over our eyes any longer.
Do all that, and I will maybe become Team Beyonce.
(Or, you can just re-form Destiny’s Child and all of your prior sins will be forgiven immediately.)