Mariah Carey has a new video and it is somewhat less than “Triumphant.”

Oh Mariah…

I’ll admit, I was mildly excited when I heard this was boxing themed because if there’s one thing “Heartbreaker” taught us it’s that Mariah is good at kicking her own ass.

But actual movement would’ve required a wardrobe consisting of more than stilettos and sequined spandex so my dreams were shot to shit.

First of all, who is Meek Mill? Is he famous? If he is, I don’t know any of his songs and I’m not sure why he’s present on this track. I thought your guest artist was supposed to raise your profile, not make people scratch their heads and say “why.” Either way, I didn’t hear a single word he said, because my eyes were too focused on all of this gold everything everywhere, like the inside of a Grammy that Mariah will surely never win again with crappy songs like this.

Then Mariah showed up to sing. I think it was the chorus? I couldn’t tell because there was no singable hook there whatsoever.

To be honest, Rick Ross is the only saving grace of this whole production. The instrumental backs him perfectly and he sounds made for this track. This really should’ve just been a Rick Ross track feat. Mariah Carey. Or not even featuring. She could just be the uncredited hook/ad-lib girl like she did for Babyface, because “Everytime I Close My Eyes” is one of the best things she ever did.

Besides, if a whole two and a half minutes go by on the lead single from your new album and you still haven’t sung anything but a weak hook, you need to go back and try again. 2:35 Mariah finally sings a verse (or bridge?) and I promptly fell asleep.

When I woke up she was walking around with her stomach out. Props for being skinny after having twins or whatever, but next time you need to not be going to Octomom’s tummy-tuck guy because your bellybutton looking like an apple-pie-crust-slit.

This whole production is a tragedy, but Mariah is working the HELL out of those arms. It’s like she took all the residual energy her legs built up from being glued to one spot the entire video, transferred them to her arms, and waved around frantically to give the illusion that she was really doing big work on this song. Willow Smith could’ve sang this weak-ass track, threw in a few dolphin squeals and called it a day.

I try to be on Mariah’s side, but she ain’t had a good, consistent album since Butterfly and I’m losing patience….