Look at these beautiful black Democrats.

Cory Booker, Deval Patrick, and Michelle Obama. That massive sound you hear is the sound of panties collectively dropping all over the country. I missed every one of these speeches the first time because I was far too occupied with designing what my monogrammed towels would look like after our group marriage.

I thought I was into bears, but apparently all I need is a well-dressed politician-like figure with smooth skin and a hopeful speech. I might not even need to watch Obama’s speech because my heart might can’t take it.

They were all cheesy speeches though. And you can just call me macaroni because I am drinking every bit of this.

Cory Booker is a little crazy. He’s a little too loud and a little too effusive and a little too wall-eyed and a teeters a little too close to Howard Dean on the verge of a political meltdown. But look at that SmooVe Skin! It’s like butter on a roll. I’ma sop that man up like a biscuit.

Most of Cory’s speeches are some LOUD WORDS followed by pauses where he expects you to clap, but somebody was on the ball when they wrote this: When your country is in a costly war with our soldiers sacrificing abroad, and our nation is facing a debt crisis at home, being asked to pay your fair share isn’t class warfare—it’s patriotism!

Whoever wrote that probably got a bonus.

But it was Deval Patrick who came out and roasted Mitt Romney. He got sassy at 1:20 with “Mitt Romney talks a lot about all the things he’s fixed. I can tell you, Massachusetts was not one of them. He’s a fine fellow and a great salesman, but as governor he was a lot more interested in having the job than doing the job.”

And to be honest with you, that’s the feeling I’ve always gotten from Romney. He comes off as a robot because he’s not really excited about being there. I feel like he was just hanging out one day and said “What should I do now? Maybe I’ll be a politician….okay maybe I’ll be a governor…okay maybe I’ll be President now.” And his whole privileged life of never having to work for anything makes him think he deserves the position just because he exists and asks for it. He never has a clear policy because he doesn’t really care. He flip-flops on all of the issues, because he’s just running to be running, not for any reason in particular.

Can we all go ahead and agree that Deval will be running for national office very soon though? It wasn’t the kind of speech to launch him into the stratosphere the way Obama burst onto the national stage, but it was a solid statement of “This is what I believe, this is why the opposition is wrong, and these are the steps to fix it.” And when he said Democrats need to grow a backbone? THANK YOU. Tired of these whiny crybabies…

Speaking of crybabies……::sniffle::…………Michelle had me all kinds of up in my feelings. On the one hand, I knew intellectually that this was SUCH a cliche speech, created to show Obama as the antithesis to Romney and his silver spoon upbringing. I got that. I also got the mom references and the gay references tossed in there for good sound-bytes. But ole girl had me misting up anyway! That’s the best speech she’s ever given. She was just toned shoulders and bouncy hair and raw emotion. I thought I heard a little quiver in her voice like “Y’all need to believe me! My husband is THE BOMB! Those other people are SCARY AS HELL!”

That’s how I heard it anyway.

She said so many of the right things. Wanting better for yourself and your family is not wanting less for anyone who has more than you. It’s just wanting the same opportunities. It’s just following the rules and expecting a decent payoff, not a crapshoot into success. A two-bedroom house is quickly becoming a luxury for a lot of people as opposed to a normal, achievable part of the American Dream. As a country we’re more productive than we’ve ever been and taking home less money.

We do have to stop measuring the worth of others by how much they make or how much they have and start appreciating the hard work of everyone. It takes every cog in the machine or the machine falls apart. If the janitor didn’t keep the school clean, nobody would go. And Michelle understands that. Or her speechwriters do. Or they’re pretending to because it sounds good.

Either way, Democrats, I’m sold. On all of this. Can I vote right now? Where’s the button? Lemme go ahead and get that out of the way before Republicans come up with more ways to disenfranchise huge portions of the population…