Last night I worked a catering event for a few hours in Soho. It was for a new store opening and my friend (one of the co-owners) was like “Hey, what are you doing Wednesday night?”
Plus those store jobs always easy and it’s good pocket money so I said I’d go.
Maybe halfway through the event, these two upper-middle-aged Australian couples were noticeably tipsy and one of the women kept grabbing me, as I walked by with trays of food, so I would take a picture with her. I took 10-15 pictures with these people over the course of the event. Also, they wanted restaurant recommendations nearby so I went to the back and pulled up my GPS so I could give them walking directions. NYC is really easy to navigate once you’ve lived here for years, so you really don’t pay attention to street signs. Since I didn’t want them to get lost, I pulled up actual directions to some of the fancy restaurants down there.
I was talking to one of the men, giving him directions, when the other guy sneaked up behind me and whispered in my ear “What are you doing? He knows nothing.” Not that I could even focus on the words, because this old Australian man was brushing up against my cakes, whispering in my ear.
No. SIR! No sir. Creepy Kevin is Creepy. Move away.
The party was winding down and I was making my way through the crowd with one of the last trays. I got back to the Australian group, they each took one of my little bites, then Creepy Kevin pulled me aside and said, “I know you’re just serving food, but I think my wife wants take-out.”
NO NO! DO NOT WANT!
I was all skin-crawly-goose-pimply for the rest of the night. I tried to avoid them, but they were still grabbing my arm and pulling me into their group like that awkward guy on the dance floor who just wants to grind up against your hindparts to Lady Gaga.
For years and years, my greatest fear in life has been turning into a creepy old single gay man. But now I have realized that married old straight men are still creepy, and old men in general just need to be told to Keep it Classy and Watch Your Mouth.
And don’t put your mouth so close to my face. Or any other part of your body against me. I am not trynna see your land down under, sir…