Obama to America: “You just got PUNK’D!”

That’s the only explanation I can come up with for the difference between that first debate and the second one. Obama was not even present for that first debate. This is basically what went down an hour before the first debate.

America: Romney…Obama…we’re gonna have a debate tonight, OK?
Romney: Yes, I am ready for you. I have all my lies prepared and my hair is perfectly shellacked into place. Let’s do this.
Obama: You know what guys? I’m not really here for this. It’s my anniversary. My idea of appropriate pre-anniversary-date-activities does not include deflecting lies from Mr. Wonderbread over there.

And then during the debate…

Romney: Listen to me America. What I am saying is the truth. Well, actually it is lies, but you cannot tell because of the precise and forceful way in which I am delivering this information. I am a liar. But I look very confident doing it. Vote for me.
America: Obama, he looks really convincing, and while I may not trust him, I believe in the power of his conviction and he actually *looks* like a President…ie….white. Whatchu got?
Obama: America…I am so bored with you. You are doing your very best to find any reason at all to vote for that ridiculous shadow puppet, so if you want him that badly, just vote for him. I have other things to do. Like, live my life and not have latent racists attack me everyday.

And then Conservative America celebrated. They Rejoiced and Was Glad because Mitt Romney finally had something positive to brag about and they could rally around him as a Presidential Nominee and not just That Guy We Have to Vote For Instead of Obama.

They were not ready for last night. Nobody was ready for last night. They still aren’t sure what happened. Who was that guy in the Obama costume pretending to be our current President? That couldn’t possibly be the nice, affable guy we’re used to. He was having facts and rebuttals and a backbone. That must have been some other person.

Mitt Romney is still shaken. He had some woman telling him to be quiet and a black man calling him a liar. His whole world is upside down and he doesn’t know how to act today. Lord, don’t let one of those 8,000 sons he has come out the closet, or Mr. Wonderbread will probably lose his entire mind this week.

Romney and Obama had a debate, y’all, and Obama was landing hits left and right. If words were fists, Romney’s face would look like post-Chris Brown Rihanna this morning. Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, Obama laid Mitt out like Muhammad Ali. Pick your jaw up off the floor, Mittens. You’re definitely gonna need your entire mouth to make up some new lies for the final debate, because clearly your recycled ones from the first one didn’t get past Barry on the second try.

Random Audience Member: Here is a question I have carefully crafted for you, though I’ve probably already decided who I’m going to vote for, and I just want to see the other guy fail at answering me.
Mitt Romney: I’m repeating and restating your question for thirty seconds while I cycle through my mental Lies & Falsities Rolodex to find an appropriate response. Here is the lie about my position on it, which is different from my previous position. And here is the lie about Obama’s past four years and the results pertaining to your question.
Obama: BULLSHIT. GET OFF MY LAWN. IM FROM CHICAGO AND I WILL MAKE YOUR WHOLE FAMILY CRY. But also here are some facts to back up what I’m saying and here is my future plan. But in closing ROMNEY IS A PUNK AND IF I EVER SEE HIM IN THE STREET I WILL BRING A WORLD OF HURT UPON HIS ENTIRE PERSON.
Candy Crowley: Moving on to a new question from the audience…
Mitt Romney: I need to assert my rich white male privilege and keep talking…
Candy Crowley: No, we’re moving on.
Mitt Romney: But I have more money than everyone in this audience combined so I will keep talking…
Candy Crowley: But we are moving on.
Mitt Romney: Once I am done speaking we can move on…
Candy Crowley: MY UTERUS AND I HATE YOU AND WE ARE MOVING ON NOW.

That’s the debate I saw anyway. I don’t know what you saw, but that’s the one I watched. I would watch that again.