I am officially retiring from internet dating.

And by “officially retiring” I mean complaining for a couple of days about how awful it is and then peeking to see who’s messaged me lately because it’s almost winter and I don’t have anybody to hold hands with. :-(

ANYWAY

This old guy messaged me, and of course, he was squarely within the realm of the two types of men who typically send me messages online: old white and disturbingly colorstruck or young black and on the DL wanting to dick me down because I don’t look masculine enough in my pictures to possibly be a top. Every once in awhile a third demographic pops up: young white and also colorstruck, but they’re usually more concerned with how big my penis is and what time I can come over to stick it in em than they are with what I think about The World.

(And I’m just generalizing because I’m salty right now. I’ve actually met some really nice people from the Internet. Like. Four.)

So this old white man messaged me. And I need for you to please look at him. And then read the text of his profile. And then you can help me load the gun I shall use to shoot myself.

Yes. That is his actual picture. Like. OK. So. Even if you are a moderately-attractive to handsome human being, in what context do you look cute making this face ever in life? And that’s what you want to present to the world?

But it gets better. Observe.

looking 4 TOP MEN OF COLOR

I am a masculine man seeking dominant men of color to sexually service, worship, and please. I also like nature, music, and watching DVDS, +++++ 420. I am medically retired due to my diabetes & HIV+. The diabetes caused a severe cause of neuropathy in me, which, although NOT noticeable, causes weaknesses in my legs, and also erectile dysfunction, which means I CANNOT get a hard-on. My walking is limited to about 10 blocks at a time and I CANNOT participate in sports (except mild to rough sex :-)

A DOMINANT, DARK MAN, some classic R&B, and a little Jamaican R&R (ASK) make my PERFECT COMBO!!

That is my internet dating life, help me Jesus. HIV Positive Fat Matlock with the sugar who can’t walk or get a boner wants me to lay it down and call him Whitey. And the most depressing part is that he must have thought he had a chance! I mean, let’s be real. I get ignored enough in The Gay Universe (both real and internet) to know who is probably not going to give me the time of day and who will probably pretend to be interested at least long enough to make themselves feel not-shallow (it’s that window of time where I display my amazing wit and intelligence and they are hooked for life…in theory). But the point is, most people tend to stay in their own lane and I guess Fat Matlock thought we were compatible.

Where is the ESC button for this life because I am not here for this at all.