RuPaul is a dick.

Or a cunt.

Or whatever vulgar euphemism for the genitals of your choice.

I guess I’ll cut the rest of this for anyone who hasn’t seen Rupaul’s Drag Race yet.

Can somebody please explain to me the logic behind a SOLO competition being judged in pairs? I don’t even like it when they do team/couple challenges on Project Runway, but at least it’s just one challenge. And then one person goes home. Are we eliminating two people every week now? This is gonna be a hella-short season. What, they ran outta money and couldn’t afford 14 episodes this time so we gotta settle for 7?

This is fuckery of the highest order.

So, these “All-Stars” are back, some worthy of that moniker (Manila, Nina, Latrice) and some….not (Mimi. Fucking Mimi ImTheWurst.) Some are back to redeem themselves (Pandora) and some are back because they clearly like to be made fun of by D-List celebrities every week (Tammie). Some are back because they have way too much personality to be contained by drag shows in random gay bars (Jujubee) and some want to show off their excessive spray-tans (Raven, aka CheetoDust).

It looked like a pretty good competition. Mimi lost weight. Pandora gained makeup skills. Yara took some speech classes and Jujubee scalped Rihanna for that red wig. And then RuPaul Andre Charles has this bright idea to make everyone work in teams of two. For the entire competition. I thought this was the Search for America’s Next Drag Superstar, not Drag Duo. Ain’t nobody signed up for that, RuPaul. You expect everyone to work in teams of two, but then only one person gets the check? One person fucks up a challenge, one person fucks up a runway, one person fucks up a lipsync, but then two people go home? Where they do that at, Ms. Charles?

We ALL KNEW Mimi Imfurst was going home furst. Before the show started you knew she was going home. When the promotional materials came out you knew she was going home. When the cast was first announced you knew she was going home. Before the season was planned and we didn’t even know there would be an all-star season you knew she was going home. When she got kicked off the first time and you thought about a hypothetical all-star season that she miraculously got cast for, you knew she was going home first.

Pandora knew it too and that’s why that bitch was salty from jump street. I’d be salty too if I’d worked hard to improve my craft and then had to watch all that go down the drain because of some whiny heffah who never learned the basics of coloring in kindergarten. I wouldn’t let Mimi Imfurst paint my living room wall, let alone my face.

And let’s not forget how I watched that bitch catch herself on fire by accident last year at Therapy. Because that was a thing that happened. And it’s the best thing I ever saw her do.

I don’t even want to watch this season anymore. Not that I was so tied to Pandora (because I wasn’t), but you already know bullshit eliminations will be the name of the game, most pointedly, Tammie and Nina. I like how all of the judges were pretending to be Team Tammie, like the bitch wasn’t wearing doo-doo commas in place of eyebrows. That is not the move, Tammie. She gon’ fuck up and Santino will read that heaux and then Nina will be packing her shit. Watch. Probably next episode.

And why didn’t Shangela pop up out of a box? I’m dead serious. Shangela and Willam? Please, that wouldn’t even be a competition. At least it would’ve brought some interest to this dry-ass season.

A pairs competition. The fuck. This is not figure skating at the Winter Olympics. All this sisterly teamwork is about to end with somebody getting clubbed in the knee, Tonya Harding style.