So I was talking to this guy on Scruff (yeah…I un-retired from internet dating) and the conversation basically went like this. And you would be surprised how many times I’ve had versions of this conversation. I wanted to tear my hair out and choke him with it.
Cute Gay Guy: Hey what’s up?
Me: Just wasting time on the internet. You?
Cute Gay Guy: Relaxing after work. So are we still hanging out tomorrow?
Me: Sure! What are we doing?
CGG: This girl I know has a photo exhibit opening. We can go there after drinks or something.
Me: Sounds good.
CGG: Oh wait, do you use hand lotion?
Me: Yeah, why?
CGG: Oh. I don’t.
Me: Ok that’s fine. We don’t have to go to Bath & Body Works or anything.
CGG: Yeah…I just feel better when I don’t use it.
Me: That’s cool. I like it. Makes my hands soft.
CGG: It’s not really that healthy either.
Me: I think I’ll be fine.
CGG: Like, bacteria can stick to it and you can get cancer. You should probably think about not using it.
Me: Thanks for the tip. So what time you wanna meet?
CGG: Around 6?
Me: 7 would be better. I wanna drop off my work stuff at home first.
CGG: Ok we can do 7. Oh btw, I don’t really hold hands with guys who use hand lotion.
Me: Ok…that’s fine.
CGG: I mean you can use it around me or whatever. I’m not super anal. I just don’t really wanna touch it.
Me: Got it. Where’s your friend’s exhibit?
CGG: Over in West Chelsea.
Me: Should we get a drink over there? Or in the Meatpacking District?
CGG: Yeah that could be cool.
Me: Ok I’ll meet you at Catch.
Me: So how was your day?
CGG: It was ok. I was arguing with my mom earlier. She uses SO MUCH hand lotion. Literally, like buckets.
Me: Why do you care?
CGG: I mean, I don’t really, but I was trying to tell her how unhealthy it is and how she would feel a lot better if she stopped.
CGG: Yeah I haven’t used hand lotion in like 5 years and my hands actually feel better than they ever have before.
Me: I see. So what happens when they get dry?
CGG: I use coconut oil or shea butter. As long as it’s natural.
Me: They make natural hand lotions. I use one.
CGG: Yeah it’s still not the same. I mean it’s just a personal thing. I don’t expect you to stop too.
Me: Ok I won’t.
CGG: But I can’t really date anyone who uses hand lotion.
Me: That’s fine.
CGG: Maybe I’ll take you to some stores and you can try oils and stuff.
Me: I don’t really like how they feel.
CGG: You probably just haven’t had any good ones. I can probably convince you to give up hand lotion.
Me: I’m good. I really like lotion.
CGG: Ok…I’m not judging or anything…
Worst conversation ever? Yeah. So. I made it up, but that’s basically how I feel when I run across gay vegans. Your diet is about as interesting to me as what hand lotion you use. I 100% do not care about what you eat, why you don’t eat it, and how everyone else is a bad person because they eat what you don’t. Vegans are FINE. I have A LOT of vegan friends. And we’re friends because they don’t talk about it all the time and they’re not out trying to convert me. Stop talking to me about what you DON’T eat and I’ll stop talking shit about you on the Internet.
Clearly you need to convert people so they can share in your misery. You know how when you go into a steakhouse and people are laughing and movin and having a great time? Meat is awesome. Have you ever seen people have a good time in a vegan restaurant? No. Because that shit is depressing. Bacon is fucking good and you want me to be miserable with you because you know bacon is good and you miss that shit. Don’t lie.
I actually don’t mind going to vegan restaurants with my cool vegan friends. I usually don’t eat meat in front of vegans unless I’m annoyed. If we’re cool with each other, I’ll probably order vegan too out of solidarity and a bit of respect. I know I would be hella sad if I forced myself to never eat fried chicken again, and if one of my best friends was always eating it in my face, I might have to cut that bitch. I don’t wanna get cut by a hungry vegan.
But if I’m annoyed, I’m probably gonna order a steak. With a side of sausage. And a whole roast duck for dessert. So stop being annoying and that’s 3 less animals that have to be killed, OK? I’m glad we all understand each other now.
(To my nice vegan friends, sorry you have so many annoying people in your community, but you really do.)