Some Hollywood fools are remaking The Bodyguard…

…so let’s talk about what kind of remake it should be and who should be in it.

Poster

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CLASSIC REMAKE: Channing Tatum & Carrie Underwood

So, some of my friends disagree with me putting Channing into Kevin Costner’s role based on the fact that he can’t act. Aside from the fact that Sheer Sex Appeal should eclipse anything Kevin did, what really will he have to do other than stand around, BE SEXY, make brooding faces, BE SEXY, dodge a few bullets, and get naked (hopefully). And Carrie is a little “nice” but she’s definitely got vocal chops and she could put a little country twang back into “I Will Always Love You.” Besides, she did key cars and bust headlights so maybe she has a little bitch in her after all.

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RACE REVERSAL: Mehcad Brooks & Brittany Pierce

The Bodyguard tried to kind of ignore the fact that Whitney is black and Kevin is white, even going so far as to choose a promotional movie poster with her face partially hidden. That was in 1992 though. But even still, in 2011, a big Action Figure Shaped black man running up in some little blonde girl will turn some heads. So let’s turn some heads! Mehcad is too sexy for my life and even though I don’t watch Glee, I’ve seen that damned Britney episode on my FB feed enough times to know that she’s a great performer.

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SEX REVERSAL: Jessica Biel & Ryan Gosling

First of all, they are both SMOKING hot and the chemistry should be off the chain. Aside from that, Jessica’s body is banging in the kind of way where you know she could kick ass and then fuck you to oblivion. I would believe her in a role as a bodyguard but still want her to get naked, which doesn’t go for a lot of Hollywood’s Starlets. On the flip side, Ryan could probably take care of himself, but he always comes off a little wimpish to me. Plus, he was on the Mickey Mouse Club and he can actually sing. I would go see this.

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MAY/DECEMBER: Shia LaBeouf & Kylie Minogue

Shia is turning out to be some prime man real estate (who’da thunk?) and he is forever getting snapped by paparazzi running around shirtless…and buffish. He holds his own in his little action flicks so I could believe him as a bodyguard. And who can’t see that Kylie would play an AMAZING cougar? She doesn’t have a voice, so there won’t be a huge ballad or anything, but can you imagine the staging? She puts on some near-legendary tours. It would be such campy fun.

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COMEDY: Jon Stewart & Emma Stone

Why not lighten it up a little? Make the plot completely ridiculous, throw in some political commentary and self-deprecating humor and it could actually work. Maybe we just do without the musical angle altogether and she could just play a rising actress, because honestly, I wouldn’t look forward to 2 hours of her singing “Pocketful of Sunshine.” But they’re both sexy in quirky, smart, funny ways, so I would probably go see this.

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GAY: The Rock & Sam Sparro

This has so much Sexy Potential. I’m still obsessed with the Rock (and his body) and Sam is on my dream husband list. I would see this just for the eye candy factor. Add in the novelty of a big-budget gay movie, and Sam’s voice for two hours? I’m all over this. All over it.

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So. The End.

But PS: You know it’s probably gonna be on some bullshit with Beyonce and James Franco or a pair that’s equally as sickening and overexposed.