Twitter must’ve forgotten who they were dealing with yesterday. Martha Stewart posted what is now the most infamous Struggle Plate in history, and people Tweeted at her like she gives a shit. Martha — also known by her prison name M. Diddy - is sitting on her golden throne, wiping her ass with $100 bills and looking at all of you, whispering “…………Basics.”
Look what happened after she posted this lettuce wedge covered in vomit:
The accompanying caption was “Iceberg wedge with homemade Russian dressing. Perfect salad for the onion soup lunch”
It looks like vomit. Actually, it looks like dog vomit. I respect her for putting it out there though. This 72-year-old white lady took a quick cameraphone pic, no apps and no filters, and just showed it how it was. I can almost hear gaggles of gay men crying out in horror at the thought of posting a selfie directly to the internet with no filter or image assistance.
So yeah, the plate is ugly. And I’m sure Martha knows it’s ugly. Still, the internet decided to tell her.
.@dansaltzstein So disillusioning. This is like seeing Jascha Heifetz play Tchaikovsky’s violin concerto on his armpits.— Pete Wells (@pete_wells)
— Adam Roberts (@amateurgourmet)
martha stewart wins for #struggleplate of the year!— Dr. Kortney Ziegler (@fakerapper)
I just………..I keep waiting for Martha Stewart to say she was hacked. But it’s been like 2 hrs since she posted her #StrugglePlate. 😔— Emmy (@EmeraldCityLive)
Martha busted into her bottle of prison wine today apparently. #StrugglePlate— FoxxiLiberal (@FoxxiLiberal)
Daaaamn. Just saw the Martha #struggleplate. WHY MARTHA?!?! Is this code? Are you in trouble??— Jenn Diaz (@JenMeanIt)
And yep, now there’s a Change.org petition begging Martha to get better at taking photos.— Shit Food Blogger (@shitfoodblogger)
And you know what Martha said in response?
There seems to be some buzz about my food pics. Actually the onion soup was utterly delicious and the ice berg wedge divine.— Martha Stewart (@MarthaStewart)
Martha looked at her Twitter mentions and swiftly gave y’all the “chile, bye.” People forget that Martha Stewart is a G, and not just because she went to prison. No, it’s also the fact that she was smuggling spices out of the prison kitchen in her bra! (x) And then when she got out of prison, instead of the “I’m a better person now” song and dance we expected to hear, she told Matt Lauer, “It’s hard to say, ‘Good comes out of a bad time,’ and that saying that, ‘It only makes you better’? Oh my gosh. Bull. It’s terrible. I lost a fortune.” (x)
This woman does not care aboutchu or your two-cent tweets that five of your friends read while the commercials are on during Supernatural! We should all take a page out of Martha’s book, and I don’t mean any of those “beautify your surroundings” catalogs for bored white women. I’m talking about Martha’s yet-to-be-written guide for life entitled “M. Diddy on How to Be A Boss Bitch.” That’s the book I want for Christmas. Make it happen.