If you were minding your own business and saw a large, dangerous animal struggling to live, do you:
A) Call park or wildlife services and see if they can do anything about it? B) Do nothing since it’s a wild animal and animals die? C) Try to save it and risk getting a limb torn off?
If you’re Canadian I suppose you pick C. If you’re Rafi, you probably wouldn’t have slowed down in the first place because I am not in the business of saving nature from itself. Especially not near water, risking my hair getting wet for a damn shark.
Meet David Rennie, the executive director of the Salvation Army in Toronto. He stole a whole buncha toys from the donations they receive every year and hid them in his own personal warehouse. Nothing says “charity!” like a little behind-the-scenes thievery.
So, in this dream I’m driving up the Saw Mill Parkway in a black Mercedes on the way to my country house in Connecticut. Apparently I had just gotten my hair did because I was Pocahontas’ed out like Rasheeda on Love & Hip-Hop. Lana Del Rey was sitting next to me trying to argue me into liking her music, saying I’m racist because I don’t like white girl music. I calmly explained to her that I don’t like Sad White Girl Music (Lana Del Rey) or Gay White Girl Music (Lady Gaga) but I’m fine with Hipster Pop White Girl Music for some reason.
Then I played this song as an example and left that bitch on the side of the road after it was over.
Do you know how insane that is? Donald Trump owns Miss Universe. That bigoted Republican greaseball (who, remember, has a great relationship with “the blacks”) is opening up his archaic oasis of misogyny and paternalism scholarship competition to a woman who, technically, was born with a penis.
Major Tom is a fictional astronaut created by David Bowie and makes up the theme of his 1969 album Space Oddity. In the early 80s, German new-wave rocker Peter Schilling wrote this song about Major Tom being caught in space. Both the German and English versions were pretty sizable hits in various countries and tons of artists from Shiny Toy Guns to William Shatner have remade the song. But this version is by far my favorite.