rafi-dangelo

Since, Beyonce Baby Bump 2013 has officially commenced, we need to get a head start on this babyname situation so we aren’t all taken unawares by another Blue Ivy situation. We need to prepare ourselves. Brace ourselves for the big event next year. Or next month. You can never really tell when Beyonce will actually “give birth.”

I have a few suggestions.

Kim Kardashian wants to show us her gut full of KKK human.

She is so thirsty for attention.

Not just for that up there. I actually like happy pregnant-lady pics. Her whole life in general is thirsty and she doesn’t even have the Maternal Glow. Maybe just a slight glisten of constipation, drag queen eyebrows, and her continual search for relevance.

Look at this photo.

Blue Ivy is big as hell.

I think it’s real cute that Beyonce was out in Brooklyn for brunch with her baby, but that is a lonnnnnnnnnnnnng 14-month-old child! Am I just out of touch with how big children are? Because that baby looks like she should be in kindergarten stealing the other kids’ Dunkaroos.

Look at these photos.

That awkward moment when Snooki’s baby is cuter than Beyonce’s.

So Kim Kardashian is pregnant by Kanye West.

To summarize all of Kim’s achievements thus far, here’s a list:

Stole a bunch of money from Brandy
Released the worst song of the 2010s thus far.
Used her big ass to endorse Charmin toilet paper.
Had a total meltdown because she lost a diamond in the ocean.
Had a total meltdown because W Magazine showed her nipple…even though she posed for Playboy.
Fake-married Kris Humphries for 72 days and made $18million off her wedding.
Single-handedly (or vagina’dly) made her entire family famous because she got dicked down by Brandy’s little brother on videotape.

Now she’s having a baby by some dude whose most famous lyrics are “I ain’t saying she a golddigger…but…”

Ratchet really knows no socio-economic boundaries.

Nomi Malone got pregnant?

Well….

I know enough to know that you were doing a lot of this…

…with this gorgeous man…

…and now Jesse Spano is having a baby!

I’M SO EXCITED!!!!

<3 her.

Blue Ivy Carter is the youngest person ever to land on the Billboard Hot 100.

And she’ll forever be the youngest too, unless ultrasounds start making noise.

NEW YORK — She’s not even a week old, but Blue Ivy Carter is already making music history. Billboard says that thanks to her dad, Jay-Z, featuring her on his new song, “Glory,” Blue becomes the youngest person to ever appear on its chart.

Jay-Z released the song about his first-born child with wife Beyonce on Monday, and it immediately became a viral sensation. The song, which credits B.I.C., features the sound of Blue’s cries at the end. (cont.)

I jokingly said that little nugget would be born wearing a lacefront and knowing all the “Single Ladies” choreography…and damn if she didn’t do me one better by crawling out of Beyonce and straight onto the Billboard Hot 100.

(PS: BIC? Really? What is that, ~~Bitch~~ Baby In Charge? Wrong. BIC is still just cheap ballpoint pens to me.)

Anyway. I actually hadn’t even heard the song yet, so I just Youtubed it and put it after the jump in case you too have been ~~living your actual life~~ remiss in your duties as a citizen of this country to know all things Beyonce and Jay-Z.

Because some of you are still unaware…

…Blue Ivy = The Blueprint and 4 (IV).

I’m just glad she didn’t have a baby after B-Day…#BlueFrenchToiletCarter