A utility contractor didn’t accidentally puncture a gas line in Massachusetts and 666 wasn’t a crappy show that people stopped watching because the plot was slow-moving and tiresome. Christians asked and God answered! Because clearly, a rinky-dink strip club and a 1-hour television program are at the top of His list of very well-managed priorities.
Meet David Rennie, the executive director of the Salvation Army in Toronto. He stole a whole buncha toys from the donations they receive every year and hid them in his own personal warehouse. Nothing says “charity!” like a little behind-the-scenes thievery.
Angus T. Jones, the half-man of the show I guess, just got the fire of Jesus because he loves black people and Seventh Day Adventists aren’t a cult. I wish I was making that up, because it’s hella funny, and I like to say funny things, but nope. That’s from his own testimonial video.
If you don’t have time to watch it — because let’s be real, who wants to spend 15 minutes listening to some filty-rich Hollywood kid talk about how Jesus just touched his life — please allow me to point out the best bits.
Edit: I kind of got off topic and just randomly starting going in on Christians, so there’s your disclaimer.
This is according to Tony Perkins, the little bigot who runs the Family Research Council. Uganda wants to kill all of their gay people and God is so touched by that, he is showering the nation with blessings. It is a “modern example of a nation prospered by god.”
Mr. Perkins must be working with that new definition of “prosper” I ain’t heard about yet.
Lest we get too bored with the usual creepy-looking man with a bad hairpiece touting God’s love one day and touching children the next, this one is a creepy-looking woman.
A Manchester lawyer took a teenage girl to Canada, had her engage in sexual activity and convinced her to let it be filmed, according to federal indictments.
FBI agents swiftly arrested Lisa Biron yesterday morning as she awaited a hearing on child pornography charges at Manchester’s district court. About 9 a.m. FBI agents entered the courtroom, told Biron to leave her belongings and took her into an adjoining conference room where she remained for several minutes before coming out in handcuffs.
Pat “I’m So Old Jesus & I Played Nintendo Together” Robertson is still alive and hosting the 700 Club with that empty-headed sad little nobody lady next to him. Of course his pearls of wisdom regarding the General Petraeus scandal are completely accurate, within reason, and Christian.