Some angry little Christian seafood cafe owner in North Carolina gave a handwritten note to two of his lesbian customers, because Gawd H8s Phags, or Lezzies, or whatever. Does it really matter? The important thing to note here is…
This is just backwards! I mean let’s just backtrack this chain of progression, shall we?
You have a cafe serving fish.
You get fish from the sea by fishermen.
Fishermen on boats catch the fish, wearing boots and flannel.
Who else wears boots and flannel? Lesbians.
Ergo, you owe your restaurant’s existence to lesbians. There are no holes in my argument, so stop tryin.
And this is coming straight from the mouth of an ex-gay porn star, so it must be true. He’s an expert. Joseph Sciambra is familiar with both massive amounts of anal sex and Jesus, so if he says Satan is waiting in your bootyhole, then Satan is waiting in your bootyhole.
Gret Gutfeld, the whiny white guy who hosts Red Eye on Faux News, actually wrote a book called The Joy of Hate: How to Triumph Over Whiners in the Age of False Outrage.
Mind = blown right now.
Have you seen Fox News? That whole channel is where whiners go to cry on each other’s shoulders about how great America used to be back when it was whiter more traditional. I’ll show you what false outrage looks like. Check out this video where three grown men assign blame for the War on Christmas to gay rights and abortions.
A utility contractor didn’t accidentally puncture a gas line in Massachusetts and 666 wasn’t a crappy show that people stopped watching because the plot was slow-moving and tiresome. Christians asked and God answered! Because clearly, a rinky-dink strip club and a 1-hour television program are at the top of His list of very well-managed priorities.
Meet David Rennie, the executive director of the Salvation Army in Toronto. He stole a whole buncha toys from the donations they receive every year and hid them in his own personal warehouse. Nothing says “charity!” like a little behind-the-scenes thievery.
Angus T. Jones, the half-man of the show I guess, just got the fire of Jesus because he loves black people and Seventh Day Adventists aren’t a cult. I wish I was making that up, because it’s hella funny, and I like to say funny things, but nope. That’s from his own testimonial video.
If you don’t have time to watch it — because let’s be real, who wants to spend 15 minutes listening to some filty-rich Hollywood kid talk about how Jesus just touched his life — please allow me to point out the best bits.
Edit: I kind of got off topic and just randomly starting going in on Christians, so there’s your disclaimer.
This is according to Tony Perkins, the little bigot who runs the Family Research Council. Uganda wants to kill all of their gay people and God is so touched by that, he is showering the nation with blessings. It is a “modern example of a nation prospered by god.”
Mr. Perkins must be working with that new definition of “prosper” I ain’t heard about yet.