I just spent an extended weekend in DC with my mom, dad, sis, bro-in-law, niece, aunt & uncle. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Nah, let me stop. My aunt can throw down in the kitchen and I am pleasantly fat. But still, my mom basically forced me to take the bus down from NYC to meet them.
Fine. I definitely needed to be out of the city this weekend anyway so I was kind of thankful for the diversion. This whole army of black folks met me near the ticketing area at Union Station after I got off the bus and the first thing my mom says isn’t “hello” or something sensible like “how was your trip?” Oh no. That would be too much like Right. She opens with “Boy what is you got on?!” She picked apart everything from my hair to my headphones, eyeglasses to septum piercing. But honestly, I could’ve been wearing a business suit and she’d have found something wrong with the stitching on the lapel.
Forreal though…mom, listen. No disrespect, but you’re a 60something year old black woman from South Carolina. I honestly, 100% do not give half a care what you think about how I look. My target audience isn’t southern, colored, senior citizens. So you don’t like how I look? Good! Great! Then I’m doing something right!
But let’s fastforward a couple of days when DC decided to be 83 degrees and nobody packed shorts. My dad, bless his heart, is like “well…I brought these lounge shorts to just kick around the house, so I’ll just wear them out.” They are not Outside clothes, but whatever…do you. These lounge shorts don’t have beltloops and my dad is one of THOSE old people who can’t just put their cellphone in a pocket…they have to have a special case that slips onto the belt buckle. And not just that…he has a matching case for his eyeglasses that he wears on the opposite hip. But like I said, he didn’t have belt loops on these lounge shorts. Solution? Just wear the belt anyway! And also, wear socks with sandals.
So my eyeglasses are too big for your taste and you don’t like how I did my hear, but your husband can wear a random ass leather belt with his cell and reading glasses attached, wrap it around some pyjama shorts that don’t have loops, and put tube socks on with sandals and that’s all good.
Mom, I have two words for you: