This is as close to a smile as you’re likely to get from Kristen Stewart.

God.

She is like…the poster child for White Girls Perpetually Sad About Nothing.

I am voluntarily going to the hood tonight.

I know right? Who am I?

I mean, downtown Brooklyn isn’t the HOOD hood, but that movie theater on Court Street is definitely a few shades left of classy. And that’s why I’m going!

One thing I refuse to do: go see a movie on opening weekend. Too many people, too much talking, and I cannot deal. And it’s always black folks. But Steve Harvey’s I-Don’t-Know-Who-Decided-This-Was-A-Good-Movie-Idea flick is coming out tonight and I feel like I will enjoy it so much more if there are loud black people talking to the screen.

So.

We’re gonna get drunk on the Promenade, wander our bougie asses on over there, and enjoy the show! Both shows—the film itself and whatever the audience is gonna give me.

Hopefully, if I make it back to Manhattan in one piece, I’ll have some fun things to report.

So this is my new horror movie treatment.

::Movie guy voice::

In a world…where liberal white girls are really smellin themselves…because they’re up on gay rights…and fully versed in feminism…the issue of race relations remains elusive, just out of their grasp of comprehension. One man is here to put a stop to the foolishness…BECKYSLAYER!!!!!!!!!!

(Y’all know I’m jussplayin. But some people just aren’t gettin this month so I had to vent.)

Look at this photo.

Clearly, Rose is a mega bitch.

Suzanne Collins wrote the Hunger Games.

And episodes of The Mystery Files of Shelby Woo.
And episodes of Clarissa Explains It All.

Twilight who? Suzanne is obviously the Queen of Girls Who Just Turned Twelve.

If your favorite movies were all black people: Clueless

Cher’s Dad: Cher! What the hell you got on?!

Cher: A dress!

Cher’s Dad: Says who?

Cher: Sean John.

Cher’s Dad: You look like a video ho. Go put something on.

Cher: Dang daddy, I was bout to! (puts on see through shirt)

Cher’s Dad: DID YOU SUDDENLY GO DEAF?! I said put something on! Actual clothes! You must be out yo damn mind…

****************************************

(sitting on the stairs)

Josh: Cher…I’m kinda feelin you.

Cher: I’m feeling you too, to be honest.

::kissing on the stairs::

Cher’s Dad: What the FUCK are you doing?! That used to be your brother! This ain’t West Virginia! Lord give me strength with this child…

If your favorite movies were all black people.

It’s Annabella Sciorra’s birthday!

So obviously we have to watch The Hand that Rocks the Cradle.

You know I love to find myself a good flick on the Youtubes.
So.
Full movie after the cut.