I think Hollyweird water makes you pregnant; there are just an ungodly number of babies falling out of famous vaginas this year. Add Natalie Portman to the list:
The actress gave birth to her first child with fiance Benjamin Millepied, the choreographer of “Black Swan,” People magazine reported.
The magazine gave no details. A publicist for Portman did not return a message seeking comment Tuesday. (cont.)
No deets? No name? Not even the sex? I am just dying of curiosity mildly interested right now. Will she do a Kim Zolciak and name him Benjamin Millepied? A Mariah Carey and name him Back Porch Davis? Or randomly pull up a Wikipedia page about shrubs a la P!nk and name him Lavendar Cotton Soapberry?
Whatev. I’m just ready for People to start featuring articles like “Who Wore It Best: Celebrity Baby Edition.”
I needed to lighten things up after that last post and I came across this on Towleroad at just the right time! All of her impressions are pretty spot on, but my jaw hit the FLOOR when she got to Kathy Griffin and Christina Aguilera. I need her to be on SNL like…yesterday. This girl across from Kristin Wiig? Stop IT! I would die.
I feel like we live in some sort of weird timespace where chicks aren’t allowed to be funny anymore. We see them in comedies…but not necessarily BEING funny—more like having funny things happen around/to them. Hopefully Bridesmaids has ushered in a new age. Funny ladies win.
“They wanted to create this idea in people’s minds that Natalie was some kind of prodigy or so gifted in dance and really worked so hard to make herself a ballerina in a year and a half for the movie, basically because of the Oscar. It is demeaning to the profession and not just to me. I’ve been doing this for 22 years… Can you become a concert pianist in a year and a half, even if you’re a movie star?”
—Sarah Lane, Natalie Portman’s Black Swan ballet double.
Usually, for things like this when bitches come all AfterTheFact, I firmly hand them a Sit Down card and keep it movin. But that’s some valid stuff she brought up there and I’m gonna side with Team Lane. Even though OBVIOUSLY this is her way to get some more money. You know the studio is ready to write her a fat check to shut her up.
Trailer for Hesher via Towleroad starring Joseph Gordon Levitt, Natalie Portman, Rainn Wilson…and some kid whose name I can’t remember.
I’m already obsessed with this. Hesher is going to be my man-crush for the rest of the year. I would not be able to focus trying to be in a movie like this at 13. All I wanted back then (still want?) was for a guy who looks like this to drop down from the heavens so we could get stoned, play video games, and fuck like rabbits.
So let’s talk about this gay ass double standard still bopping around Hollywood.
I was reading Towleroad and came across this headline:
Armie Hammer Tells Leonardo DiCaprio to ‘Pucker Up’, Hoover Script Has ‘a Ton of Kissing Scenes’
Oh, pause for visual reference: Armie Hammer is the dude who played the Twins in The Social Network. Basically he is 6’5 and delicious:
OK back to being annoyed.
I’m just over the media outlets pouncing on these actors who play gay roles like it’s so difficult and cringe-worthy to have to kiss another dude. People…it’s just a kiss. Nobody went around saying “Boo” to Mila Kunis for going hardcore down in Natalie Portman’s bony vagina. But ahead of any “gay” movie, all we hear from interviews is “ooo what’s it like to kiss a guy?!”
Go fuckin try it and see for yourself, you pervy latent homosexuals.
So let’s talk about how NOT to get nominated for an Oscar:
Eat pussy on screen.
So let’s talk about how TO get nominated for an Oscar:
Get your pussy eaten on screen.
I was just browsing the interwebs and I came across this article by Nathaniel Rogers about the upcoming Oscar race. Annette Bening, Natalie Portman, and Michelle Williams are all nominated for Best Actress. What do they have in common? They all got (simulated) head on screen. The folks who performed on them—Julianne Moore, Mila Kunis, and Ryan Gosling—all had critically acclaimed roles and even some wins from other awards shows but no noms from the Oscars.
Moral of the story: Eating pussy is bad for you. Stop it.