Get your LOLs for the day with these actual quotes from Christian message boards. I’m really not sure how these guys kept a straight face reciting this madness. I almost lost it at the gay sex.
Religious folk really need to get less concerned about where I’m putting my penis and way more concerned about feeding starving children and finding new hairstyles for the women that don’t involve 80s two-step bangs.
Some angry little Christian seafood cafe owner in North Carolina gave a handwritten note to two of his lesbian customers, because Gawd H8s Phags, or Lezzies, or whatever. Does it really matter? The important thing to note here is…
This is just backwards! I mean let’s just backtrack this chain of progression, shall we?
You have a cafe serving fish.
You get fish from the sea by fishermen.
Fishermen on boats catch the fish, wearing boots and flannel.
Who else wears boots and flannel? Lesbians.
Ergo, you owe your restaurant’s existence to lesbians. There are no holes in my argument, so stop tryin.
As long as they’re in civil partnerships. And not having any sex. So basically I think they meant lesbians.
(Well, sort of, because that Lesbian Bed Death is real and relevant in these streets/sheets.)
The Anglican Church of England last night announced that after years ofinternational debate, they will now allow gay men to become bishops. These gay men, however, must be in a civil partnership and also celibate.
"The House has confirmed that clergy in civil partnerships, and living in accordance with the teaching of the Church on human sexuality, can be considered as candidates for the episcopate," the Bishop of Norwich, Graham James, said in a statement.
"The House believed it would be unjust to exclude from consideration for the episcopate anyone seeking to live fully in conformity with the Church’s teaching on sexual ethics or other areas of personal life and discipline."
While Adam Lanza shot the rest of her classmates, one 6-year-old girl had the “divine inspiration” to play dead.
A brave six-year-old became the sole survivor of her first grade class at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Conn. because she played dead as shooter Adam Lanza went on his rampage.
According to a pastor close to her family, the unnamed girl lay among the bodies of her 15 classmates until she thought it was safe to leave.
Pastor Jim Solomon told ABC News: “She ran out of the school building covered from head to toe with blood and the first thing she said to her mom was, ‘Mommy, I’m OK but all my friends are dead.”
"Somehow in that moment, by God’s grace, [she] was able to act as she was already deceased."
"The mom told me, and I thought this was very insightful, that she was suffering from what she felt was survivor’s guilt because so many of her friends no longer have their children but [her mom] has hers," the pastor said.
The Daily Mail said the girl was the first student to run out of the Sandy Hook Elementary School following the mass shooting, which left 20 children and 6 adults dead.
Solomon went on to say to ABC News: “What did she see in there? Well, she saw someone who she felt was angry and somebody who she felt was mad.”
He continued, “How at 6 and a half years old can you be that smart, that brave? I think it’s impossible outside of divine intervention. She has wisdom beyond her years.”
Solomon said the girl’s family was suffering survivor’s guilt because many of their friends were not as lucky and had lost children in the tragedy.
Is God bored? Doesn’t he have enough to do, what with making preparations to end the world this year? That is a big task. The last time he decided to destroy everything, he made it rain for 40 days or whatever, which takes some real preparation. I feel like some Holy Event Planner is running around behind some big white man with a grey beard checking things off a list.
Sidenote: Anybody notice how paintings of God basically look like Santa Claus without the red crushed velvet?
Anyway. He came for Chick Fil A and I was hurt. Then he came for Papa John’s and I was distraught. Now he’s come for Domino’s and I don’t know if I can make it out of bed anymore.
Atheists also eat babies, drown kittens in the toilet, push old people down the stairs, kick pregnant women in the stomach, and leave the water running while brushing their teeth.
Actually, no we don’t, but that seems to be how the public views us.
Can you imagine any other group being expressly forbidden to run for office? Talk about blatant discrimination. There may be private angst about gays running for office or having a black president, but at least it’s not a law written into state constitutions.