rafi-dangelo

Look at this photo.

Look at Toni Braxton and all her sisters with their original blackpeople noses. I wonder if this was Sears Family Portrait Studio…

Look at this photo.

Toni Braxton wants to be my best friend now, obviously. Read between the lines, kids.

2:34 pm • 7 April 2013 • Let's talk about what you think.
| toni braxton| britney spears|

Toni Braxton wants to play a lesbian in a movie so she can kiss girls.

I’d much rather prefer Toni attempt to play Singer Who Actually Makes Music People Will Buy again.

The “I Heart You” singer, who was seen alongside LL Cool J, Jada Pinkett-Smith, Vivica Fox in 2002’s “Kingdom Come,” says she wants to expand her repertoire even further by tackling a lesbian role on the silver screen. “I would like to play a lesbian,” she revealed. “I don’t know why. And do a whole make-out scene and the whole thing: just something completely different than people would expect from me. Not a lipstick lesbian, either.”

(source)

Normally I am Team Braxton in all things, but that whole “lesbians are so titillating” thing is really dried up and played out at this point.

There is a difference between a good voice and a good singer.

I made this little graphic to help you out. Click it for the fullsize version.

I’ll explain it later, but first the backstory.

I was hanging out with this guy who was trying to argue me up down and sideways that Adele is an amazing singer. I’ma tell you why she’s so popular: she has a great big black lady voice and she’s white. The End. Everything she’s doing is done a million times over every Sunday by the church ladies at New Bethel AME Zion Church of Christ Under an Elm Tree By The River. Still, she has a great tone to her voice that you can’t teach. She’s just born with that and she has a great voice. That doesn’t make her a great singer.

A great singer has great ears. All of the runs and melisma are possible because they have a great sense of pitch. They can hear the chords and sing all around, inside, and through them. Those interesting vocal runs just come out because they have great ears. On top of that, with vocal coaching and/or practice they can really hone their craft and do some amazing things.

A great voice is born, not made. You’re either born with a beautiful sound coming out of your mouth, or you’re not.

So I got bored watching the Walking Dead and made a little graphic. Left to right ranks great singing ability with the best being on the right. Bottom to top ranks great voices with the best being near the top. I graded everyone by Whitney Houston who, hands-down, had the best combination of natural-born-tone and exception singing ability.

Look at this photo.

Y’all. I just found out yesterday that Nu Shooz is a white couple. Finding out those two made “I Can’t Wait” is like finding out Screech made “Hey Mr. DJ” and I felt so lost in my soul.

Weekly Charts.

The only reason I’d jump back into another relationship…

…would be to have someone to listen to music with and make up two-part harmony and learn the video choreography from youtube.

I was chatting with this girl I was semi-dating and she’s still all “but what went wrong?” What went wrong is that you forgot you were the rebound chick and started catching feelings, trying move up from cut buddy to girlfriend. That’s not insensitive—that’s the arrangement you came up with and that we agreed on.

Guys suck and girls are obnoxious so I’m still reluctantly single until I get myself together. Besides, it’s not like someone will magically appear who wants to make up dance moves to At the Drive-In but still knows all the words Toni Braxton ever sang.

(I would probably put out for that person on the first date though.)

Toni Braxton needs to get it together.

OK Toni. Let me give it to you straight: I’m not sure I like you right now. True, your back catalog is bangin, and even the more recent albums that nobody bought are actually pretty good. And you still have all your vocal chops. But this reality show is not doing you any favors, ma’am, and your whole attitude is just Hainty and Extra. On behalf of your fans, the public, and myself, I would just like to air these grievances we’ve compiled against you, not least of which is your latest video because that thing is definitely not the move. But we’ll get to that last. First, the list.

::ahem::