Well guys, it’s that time of year again. It’s officially cold as shit outside (there is a Nor-easter on its way and everything) and I am single, completely without cuddles. This means I am salty and shall now take to the Internet to voice some of my frustrations with dating as a brown 20something man who dates men.
I want to talk about white guys who only date black men because I don’t date them anymore and I feel like I have valid reasons for not doing so. They usually fall into one of these camps:
- I’m attracted to the mythical ethos of black male masculinity.
- I’m attracted to the urban, black male stereotype with his big penis and lack of actual emotions.
- I don’t feel that white men find me attractive so I’m settling.
- I like dark complexions, the same way you might like tall people or guys with nice hair.
I was tempted to just put “guys” who only date black men, because I’ve run into guys of all backgrounds who’ve exhibited these preferences, but when a white man says “I only date men of color” (and color in this instance always means black or latino, not Asian) I’m immediately on side-eye. This is why.
I’m attracted to the mythical ethos of black male masculinity.
This guy who runs the blog on Adam4Adam decided to dedicated a post to the beauty of black men. I respect that. Black men are beautiful. But he prefaced it with this:
I’m white and I loooooove black men! When I was younger I used to date and hookup with black guys ONLY….Until I “opened” myself to other dudes…
A black man FOR ME is the epitome of masculinity. The guys I like are tall, strong, muscular, hung and confident… slightly dominant is good too….
So today I dedicate my post to all my beautiful black men and their fans!
This is flawed on so many levels. It automatically puts black men who don’t fit into that masculine box on the outside and it puts on a pedestal an image of the hypermasculine black man, an image that we’re fed from birth. Black men are strong, they have swagger, they will put it down in the bedroom and if you are anything other than this epitome of black masculinity, you are feminine and undesirable. Period. White men have such a wider range of masculinity they can draw from, but black men have to exude strength and power or they’re soft.
The last white guy I tried to date was of this variety. I met him online and we talked for a good two or three months before our schedules aligned for a date. I didn’t know at the time that he only dated black men or I wouldn’t have gone out with him in the first place, but I felt something was off as soon as we met face to face. There was no more flirtation and the conversation was dry immediately, and it’s not because I have misleading pictures. I’m not photogenic (not everybody is, I’ve watched enough pretty girls on Top Model taking ugly pictures) and I know I always look better in person. But I wasn’t masculine enough for him. I’m pretty middle-of-the-road, and so was he, but once we started talking about exes – his being named Jamal, Tyrone, and Marcus – I realized he was looking for something I would never be able to give him.
I’m attracted to the urban, black male stereotype with his big penis and lack of actual emotions.
I’ll be blunt.
These are the white bottoms who like being fucked by dudes on the DL. That is real, relevant, and way to the left of anything I’m about. I rarely find these types in real life because we don’t have anything to say to each other. If he’s looking for his mandingo warrior with a baby momma at home, he’s obviously not going to be sniffing around my door anytime soon. But living in Harlem, going on dating sites, it’s like every other white guy has his ass up in the air asking for 8 inches or better. Also, I’ve realized that every white man over 40 living in Harlem is probably gay and likes black dick. I’ve yet to meet a middle-aged straight white man living above 125th street, and that is creepy on so many levels. That mandingo madness is a real thing around these parts.
I don’t feel that white men find me attractive so I’m settling.
This is the one I personally run into the most. I was on a date with a (chubbyish white) guy a few months ago and he asked what kinds of guys I like. I’m all over the map. As long as he can read a book and understand my jokes, we can work out the aesthetics later. He can have a vagina and I’m still all about it if we have chemistry.
I had pegged this guy as an equal-opportunity dater as well. He was preppy, but he didn’t seem like the WASPy gay type fetishizing black men. He wasn’t all that concerned with masculinity, because we were appropriately inappropriate for a first date, and my lack of Black Man SWAG didn’t seem to bother him. I figured race just didn’t matter to him.
When he told me he usually dates black guys, I asked “why” out of shock, not to be nosey. He said black guys were the ones that usually hit on him and gave me a line about choosing between hot black guys who like him or ugly white guys who like him. And he got it from Lisa Lampanelli, who was quick to say she could bag guys who look like LL Cool J or guys who look like Screech.
This is from an interview Lisa gave to Starpulse during promotion for her book back in 2008:
Interviewer: I’d like to ask you about some of the quotes on the back of your book. One is from LL Cool J and it says, “Lisa can tie me down in bed at any time. Can you be honest, do you ever…
Lisa: Well no, he’s referring to something where we reenacted the scene from Misery for an MTV awards show. It was really funny because I personally think LL Cool J wouldn’t give me a shot in hell; but you know what, I graduated. I lost enough weight to get a white guy so I don’t need him anymore either.
Interviewer: Are you saying that you only dated black men because you had weight issues?
Lisa: It was all weight, self esteem issues and this and that. You’ll read it, you’ll laugh your ass off but there’s serious stuff in it. You kind of gravitate towards the things that you can get instead of the things that you want. That’s why I took a year and a half off dating before I met my dude now because I had this year and a half to go… What do I really want? And not just a knee-jerk reaction to, oh that looks good, that looks nice. Now I got me a fine, upstanding, regular whitey.
She’s so proud of herself for finally getting her white man after years of slumming it with black dudes because that’s all she could get. That is a subconscious mentality of so many white guys who aren’t at the top of the dating totem pole. I really want that blonde haired blue eyed jock, but I’m too fat, so I’ll just date this black guy who likes big butts.
I like dark complexions, the same way you might like tall people or guys with nice hair.
This guy, I could date, but it’s still a little odd, and I don’t believe him anyway. These same guys who say they date “men of color” for their skin tone are never chasing after southeast Asians and we’re the same color. And so many guys like to think they’re firmly in this camp of Number Fours, because it makes them feel better about themselves, when it’s really one of the other three or a mixture. Very rarely do I meet a white guy who actually (and ONLY) just dates black men because they’re darker.
Mostly is not only. If most of your exes are black, with a few sprinkles of beige and brown, that’s not as suspect. You’re open to the universe and what it has to offer. I can respect that. I’m not gonna date you, but I don’t really have any hostility toward you.
But *ONLY* dating anything makes you look like an ass, whether it be only dating a certain race or a certain height or a certain profession, because you are cancelling out countless other people based on some superficial criterion you randomly made up. If you only date “masc” guys, you’re probably a dick. If you only date guys who make 50K and up, you’re probably a dick. If you only date hairy guys, you’re probably a dick.
And if you only date black guys, you’re probably a dick too, but in this case, I just gave you the reasons why you are.
Seneca Village, Black displacement, and the history of Central Park.
Let’s have a look at the first free Black settlement in NYC.
Some tweets about Central Park have been going viral the past two days and they are missing valuable context and clarity. Yesterday, I saw this one:
Central Park is hard to enjoy when you realize Black families owned all of this land at one point. https://t.co/d3UDLISJUz— Scott (@alscottwrites) September 24, 2021
Black people owned less than 1% of the land that would eventually become Central Park.
Central Park used to be known as Seneca Village, made up of a predominantly black community, (most newly freed slaves), who built homes and schools. In 1853, all their properties were demolished. The community lost their right to vote, as they no longer owned a property. https://t.co/FKwVVy3WLc— 𝕃𝕖𝕒𝕙 (@leahlizzyy) September 25, 2021
Seneca Village was about 5 acres of land. Central Park is almost 850 acres of land. So no, the area was not called Seneca Village. There were lots of little villages with their own names dotted throughout the area.
PERFORMING LITERALLY ON THE SAME LAND THAT WAS CALLED SENECA VILLAGE— A BLACK COMMUNITY DEMOLISHED TO MAKE CENTRAL PARK… ITS TIME TO TALK ABOUT IT https://t.co/VfK24XSNI6— ALL THE RUMORS ARE TRUE (@lizzo) September 26, 2021
A third of the people in Seneca Village were white. In fact, most of the people in Central Park were white — they were Irish and German farmers.
The United States is a terrible country founded upon theft, greed, and subjugation. All of this land was stolen from Native Americans in the first place, so this is not an effort to impart any warm and fuzzy feelings about US history. Hyperbole is the enemy of truth, and exaggeration in one area of history serves to undermine facts in another. We live in a country where textbooks speak of slavery as a valid business model with a few mean employers. Because of that, when we are trying to force the reality of the horrors of slavery and racism into the American narrative, we can’t afford to embellish other injustices.
When you say Black families had their homesteads razed to make way for Central Park, the average person will picture roving bands of white people setting fires and violently chasing Black people with dogs and weapons. It happened all over the country throughout our history. Countless Black communities are forgotten today because the history of white America is written in Black suffering.
The location of Central Park wasn’t a decision made with race at the forefront. Seneca Village was indeed the first free Black settlement in NYC after slavery was outlawed. Free Black men could vote if they owned enough property, and around 15-20% of those property-owning men lived in Seneca Village. The city did take control of that property through eminent domain to make way for Central Park. All of these things are true.
These things are also true: At its peak the population of Seneca Village was less than 300 people and a third of those people were white. The total population of the area now known as Central Park was almost 2,000 people, and the majority of them were Irish and German farmers. The city used eminent domain to take all of their lands, but that doesn’t mean the lands were stolen from them. All of the residents who owned their property were paid for it — double or triple what the original selling price was — but they couldn’t say no to the sale. The city forced them to sell and move elsewhere. Aside from that though, most of the population of NYC lived below 14th Street, which meant much of the rest of Manhattan was semi-rural and people farmed land all over the island that they didn’t own. When the city decided to build Central Park, they forced the squatters to start paying rent to the city, and when they couldn’t pay, they were kicked out.
The image being painted on Twitter is that Central Park was full of communities of prosperous, land-owning freedmen who lost their voting rights when NYC decided to build a park where the Black people live. And that’s a fair assumption! NYC is full of racist building projects, and US history is full of racist legacies where successful Black towns were essentially punished or destroyed for simply thriving. That’s not quite the case for Central Park. Most of the displaced people were white. Most of the residents of Seneca Village were poor and 80% of them didn’t own the homes they lived in. Those who owned property, which in turn meant they could vote, were paid more than they’d originally invested. They could use that money buy property elsewhere, which meant they could still vote.
But! This is still the United States. While racism may not be the central figure in the creation of Central Park as it was in other tales of yesteryear, it’s still there as a supporting character.
When NYC wanted a park, the original location chosen was a place called Jones’s Wood. The prosperous white families in that area successfully fought the city, so a new location was scouted and the city settled on the area now known as Central Park. Seneca Village was a very, very tiny portion of the land area and the Black residents there were a small percentage of the mostly white population that would be displaced, but there were very prominent Black families in Seneca Village. The majority of the residents were indeed poor farmers, laborers, and domestic workers who didn’t own land, but the people who did own land were important to the Black community in NYC at large.
The Lyons Family in Seneca Village were conductors on the Underground Railroad.
All Angels church was one of the few interracial congregations in the country. When riots broke out in Lower Manhattan as white racists attacked Black abolitionists, Seneca Village much farther north was spared any damage. As a result, this much more rural area attracted other prominent Black activists, and by the time Central Park was planned, 20% of the Black voters in the city lived there. The residents of Seneca Village put up a fight against the city just as the residents of Jones’s Wood had, but where those prosperous white families ultimately prevailed, the prosperous Black ones did not, and the city moved forward with its plans.
The two biggest takeaways from the creation of Central Park and the history of Seneca Village is the lack of violence and the displacement of white people. Those two factors counter the image most of us have when we hear the city took land from Black people to make a park. There are no stories of Black displacement where most of the people affected were white, and there are few stories of Black displacement from the 19th Century where the government engaged in protracted legal battles with the residents and ultimately paid property owners for their land. Seneca Village should be remembered as the first free Black settlement in NYC, but we don’t have to paint it as another Tulsa to drive home the history of racism in the US. There are enough Tulsas to go around.
Leave slavery out of your abortion conversations.
Why do seemingly well-meaning white people like to compare various struggles to slavery
Another day, another White Liberal unnecessarily using slavery to make a point.
Joyce Alene is a professor at the University of Alabama School of Law. She has appeared as a legal analyst on various cable news channels and she was an attorney for the Obama administration. And she thought it was a good idea to compare abortion rights to slavery.
Not sure why this repeatedly has to be explained over and over, but it is very much possible to discuss persecution without bringing Black people into it. There is never a need to compare any struggle in this country to the worst atrocity in the history of the United States, and doing so makes you look unserious. What we are dealing with right now in regard to reproductive rights can be discussed on its own merit. We should be horrified by what’s happening, period. No hyperbole is necessary. No conflation with genocide is needed.
Why do seemingly well-meaning white people like to compare various struggles to slavery, when absolutely nothing the Modern White American faces has any similarity? Nothing the Colonial White American faced had any similarity. Leave slavery out of the conversation.
It’s a double insult. On the first side, Good Whites can’t come to grips with the foundation of America’s success in the world firmly resting atop slavery, so comparisons to modern struggles are subconsciously made to lessen the severity of what happened. Even the most liberal of White Americans has a difficult time accepting the fact that everything you see owes it existence to slavery. There would be no United States without the economic engine that was chattel slavery. From Yale to Bank of America to whiskey — the legacy of slavery is everywhere.
On the other side, too many Good Whites feel such a strong need to identify with the oppressed that they will manufacture similarities that don’t exist.
Or possibly a third side:
If you acknowledge that it’s a bad take and you don’t mean any offense, then you only said it to be shocking and to grab attention. You have trivialized slavery as a gotcha for clicks, and that’s even worse.
Women are being oppressed. Yes, restrictive legislation on reproductive rights disproportionately affects poor women and women of color, but all women are at the mercy of an evangelical government that believes it has the divine right to subjugate Eve’s daughters. That is enough to work with. Comparing it to anything other than that is a distraction and a disservice. Women deserve rights on their own merit.
We gotta invite Tigger to the Cookout now.
Maybe it sounds so much like n—-r some people just lose their minds.
Some cartoon characters are Black because they’re created that way.
Some cartoon characters Black because we decided they are.
And some cartoon characters are just cartoon characters. I don’t recognize any Winnie the Pooh characters from my daily life, so they’re just animals to me, but we might have to welcome Tigger into the family. There’s no other explanation for why this white lady is so mad that he’s on a flag.
Tigger must’ve played rap music in her driveway or looked at her purse on the elevator or something, because this lady is acting like that flag says Black Lives Matter And Yours Does Not. I am very certain there are no rules (by this non-existent housing association) prohibiting a cartoon character flag and this woman feels like “rule” is the same as “I don’t like it,” which is unsurprising given the age and hue of the protagonist in this short film. My first retail job was at Bath & Body Works in a Southern shopping mall, and if there’s one thing I know for certain about that particular demographic it’s that they definitely believe personal opinions are facts, feelings are rules, and there is a manager of something somewhere who will side with them so they can get their way.
Bless the restraint of this homeowner. I probably woulda cussed that woman from here to Tara and then I would be gone with the police after she called 911 on me.
Why do female gymnasts wear leotards?
Hot Takes: Queens
Joe Manchin doesn’t want to give money to people who need money.
Tina Turner cashes in.
Hot Takes: Malignant
Maid is the best show on Netflix.
Race1 year ago
How to respond to “riots never solve anything!”
LGBT1 year ago
Niecy Nash ties the knot with singer Jessica Betts.
Pop Culture2 years ago
Today I Learned: Betty White Gave Arthur Duncan His Start
Race1 year ago
Why don’t we say “Ebonics” anymore?
LGBT1 year ago
Valentina Sampaio, Sports Illustrated, and trans women under the male gaze.
On Television1 year ago
The story behind Hottie and that microwaved chicken.
Race8 months ago
Gen Z slang is all AAVE.
Pop Culture3 years ago
Aubrey O’Day is a blowup doll and I love it.