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Race

White guys who only date Black guys.

I want to talk about white guys who only date black men because I don’t date them anymore and I feel like I have valid reasons for not doing so.

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Well guys, it’s that time of year again.  It’s officially cold as shit outside (there is a  Nor-easter on its way and everything) and I am single, completely without cuddles.  This means I am salty and shall now take to the Internet to voice some of my frustrations with dating as a brown 20something man who dates men.

I want to talk about white guys who only date black men because I don’t date them anymore and I feel like I have valid reasons for not doing so.  They usually fall into one of these camps:

  1. I’m attracted to the mythical ethos of black male masculinity.
  2. I’m attracted to the urban, black male stereotype with his big penis and lack of actual emotions.
  3. I don’t feel that white men find me attractive so I’m settling.
  4. I like dark complexions, the same way you might like tall people or guys with nice hair.

I was tempted to just put “guys” who only date black men, because I’ve run into guys of all backgrounds who’ve exhibited these preferences, but when a white man says “I only date men of color” (and color in this instance always means black or latino, not Asian) I’m immediately on side-eye.  This is why.

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ONE
I’m attracted to the mythical ethos of black male masculinity.

This guy who runs the blog on Adam4Adam decided to dedicated a post to the beauty of black men.  I respect that.  Black men are beautiful.  But he prefaced it with this:

I’m white and I loooooove black men! When I was younger I used to date and hookup with black guys ONLY….Until I “opened” myself to other dudes…

A black man FOR ME is the epitome of masculinity. The guys I like are tall, strong, muscular, hung and confident… slightly dominant is good too….

So today I dedicate my post to all my beautiful black men and their fans!

This is flawed on so many levels.  It automatically puts black men who don’t fit into that masculine box on the outside and it puts on a pedestal an image of the hypermasculine black man, an image that we’re fed from birth.  Black men are strong, they have swagger, they will put it down in the bedroom and if you are anything other than this epitome of black masculinity, you are feminine and undesirable.  Period.  White men have such a wider range of masculinity they can draw from, but black men have to exude strength and power or they’re soft.

The last white guy I tried to date was of this variety.  I met him online and we talked for a good two or three months before our schedules aligned for a date.    I didn’t know at the time that he only dated black men or I wouldn’t have gone out with him in the first place, but I felt something was off as soon as we met face to face.  There was no more flirtation and the conversation was dry immediately, and it’s not because I have misleading pictures.  I’m not photogenic (not everybody is, I’ve watched enough pretty girls on Top Model taking ugly pictures) and I know I always look better in person.  But I wasn’t masculine enough for him.  I’m pretty middle-of-the-road, and so was he, but once we started talking about exes – his being named Jamal, Tyrone, and Marcus – I realized he was looking for something I would never be able to give him.

TWO
I’m attracted to the urban, black male stereotype with his big penis and lack of actual emotions.

I’ll be blunt.

These are the white bottoms who like being fucked by dudes on the DL.  That is real, relevant, and way to the left of anything I’m about.  I rarely find these types in real life because we don’t have anything to say to each other.  If he’s looking for his mandingo warrior with a baby momma at home, he’s obviously not going to be sniffing around my door anytime soon.  But living in Harlem, going on dating sites, it’s like every other white guy has his ass up in the air asking for 8 inches or better.  Also, I’ve realized that every white man over 40 living in Harlem is probably gay and likes black dick.  I’ve yet to meet a middle-aged straight white man living above 125th street, and that is creepy on so many levels.  That mandingo madness is a real thing around these parts.

THREE
I don’t feel that white men find me attractive so I’m settling.

This is the one I personally run into the most.  I was on a date with a (chubbyish white) guy a few months ago and he asked what kinds of guys I like.  I’m all over the map.  As long as he can read a book and understand my jokes, we can work out the aesthetics later.  He can have a vagina and I’m still all about it if we have chemistry.

I had pegged this guy as an equal-opportunity dater as well.  He was preppy, but he didn’t seem like the WASPy gay type fetishizing black men.  He wasn’t all that concerned with masculinity, because we were appropriately inappropriate for a first date, and my lack of Black Man SWAG didn’t seem to bother him.  I figured race just didn’t matter to him.

When he told me he usually dates black guys, I asked “why” out of shock, not to be nosey.  He said black guys were the ones that usually hit on him and gave me a line about choosing between hot black guys who like him or ugly white guys who like him.  And he got it from Lisa Lampanelli, who was quick to say she could bag guys who look like LL Cool J or guys who look like Screech.

This is from an interview Lisa gave to Starpulse during promotion for her book back in 2008:

Interviewer: I’d like to ask you about some of the quotes on the back of your book. One is from LL Cool J and it says, “Lisa can tie me down in bed at any time. Can you be honest, do you ever…

Lisa: Well no, he’s referring to something where we reenacted the scene from Misery for an MTV awards show. It was really funny because I personally think LL Cool J wouldn’t give me a shot in hell; but you know what, I graduated. I lost enough weight to get a white guy so I don’t need him anymore either.

Interviewer: Are you saying that you only dated black men because you had weight issues?

Lisa:  It was all weight, self esteem issues and this and that. You’ll read it, you’ll laugh your ass off but there’s serious stuff in it. You kind of gravitate towards the things that you can get instead of the things that you want. That’s why I took a year and a half off dating before I met my dude now because I had this year and a half to go… What do I really want? And not just a knee-jerk reaction to, oh that looks good, that looks nice. Now I got me a fine, upstanding, regular whitey.

She’s so proud of herself for finally getting her white man after years of slumming it with black dudes because that’s all she could get.  That is a subconscious mentality of so many white guys who aren’t at the top of the dating totem pole.  I really want that blonde haired blue eyed jock, but I’m too fat, so I’ll just date this black guy who likes big butts.

FOUR
I like dark complexions, the same way you might like tall people or guys with nice hair.

This guy, I could date, but it’s still a little odd, and I don’t believe him anyway.  These same guys who say they date “men of color” for their skin tone are never chasing after southeast Asians and we’re the same color.  And so many guys like to think they’re firmly in this camp of Number Fours, because it makes them feel better about themselves, when it’s really one of the other three or a mixture.  Very rarely do I meet a white guy who actually (and ONLY) just dates black men because they’re darker.

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Mostly is not only.  If most of your exes are black, with a few sprinkles of beige and brown, that’s not as suspect.  You’re open to the universe and what it has to offer.  I can respect that. I’m not gonna date you, but I don’t really have any hostility toward you.

But *ONLY* dating anything makes you look like an ass, whether it be only dating a certain race or a certain height or a certain profession, because you are cancelling out countless other people based on some superficial criterion you randomly made up.  If you only date “masc” guys, you’re probably a dick.  If you only date guys who make 50K and up, you’re probably a dick.  If you only date hairy guys, you’re probably a dick.

And if you only date black guys, you’re probably a dick too, but in this case, I just gave you the reasons why you are.

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History

Take this Jim Crow era literacy test for Black people.

I have a master’s degree, and I failed on the first question.

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I know what a literacy test is, but sadly, I’d never looked one up to see what the questions were like. During Jim Crow, they were used to keep Black people from voting. Some poor and illiterate whites got caught in the net as well, and that makes sense for a country who, when founded, only gave voting rights to landowning whites, but the purpose was to keep Black people from being heard. Former congressional candidate Gary Chambers Jr. posted a literacy test today, and you can’t pass it. I can’t pass it. No one can pass it.

This particular test from Louisiana in 1964 was to be administered to anyone who could not prove they had finished 5th grade or higher, which would overwhelmingly apply to more Black people. We had less access to education and were more likely to quit school in order to work the land and help our parents keep a meager roof over the family’s head back when so many Black people were sharecroppers.

And there’s no uniform key for this test. The white registrar reads the answers and decides whether you answered correctly or not. I’m sure this test, on the rare occasion it was given to white people at all, was graded more leniently when the hand turning it in wasn’t colored.

So. Take it and see if you would be able to vote in Louisiana in 1964, less than 60 years ago.

Ten minutes to complete 30 questions is about twenty seconds per question, and you have to get every single one correct. If this was an actual literacy test, I would pass with flying colors, because I can read well enough to know that some of these questions are unanswerable, but it’s not about literacy. It’s about creating a standard that no one can meet and then applying it unfairly to Black people. It’s giving Black people additional burdens to be perfect that white people don’t have. It’s disparaging Michelle Obama for showing her arms in her White House portrait even though Melania has nude photoshoots online. It’s arresting Black people for marijuana at 3 times the rate of white people, even though the same percentage of Black people smoke weed as white people. (x) It’s Black college students being just as likely to find employment as white people who didn’t even finish high school. (x) It’s cops shooting unarmed Black people and taking a white mass shooter to Burger King. (x)

A lot of Black kids heard this refrain from our parents growing up: You have to be twice as good as the white folks to get half as far. However. When the judge and jury of your achievement is White America, you can still fail the test they never even have to take.

 

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Race

A moment for Gwen Berry

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It’s so funny to me that Conservatives think we care what they have to say about Gwen Berry being unpatriotic when those same people don’t care that the Capitol was stormed and vandalized.

One of these is a protest.

The other is a crime.

**Black lady turns away from the flag.**

WHAT A DISGRACE TO AMERICA!

**White people break into the Capitol and erect a gallows to hang elected officials.**

awwww economic anxiety 🥺🥺🥺🥺

 

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Race

France is giving the United States another Statue of Liberty.

Another symbol of liberty to a country that’s still oppressing its people.

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NYC has another Statue of Liberty on the way. France is sending us a smaller version to be placed on Ellis Island just across the water from Liberty Island where the original stands as a beacon to freedom…or something.

This new bronze statue, nicknamed the “little sister,” is one-sixteenth the size of the world-famous one that stands on Liberty Island.

“The statue symbolizes freedom and the light around all the world,” said Olivier Faron, general administrator of the CNAM [National Museum of Arts and Crafts]. “We want to send a very simple message: Our friendship with the United States is very important, particularly at this moment. We have to conserve and defend our friendship.”

(cont. CNN)

If you want to put a symbol of “freedom and light” anywhere, it shouldn’t be in the United States.

If you want to give the Statue of Liberty to the United States all over again anyway, give it in the spirit with which it was originally intended in the first place — as a gift to celebrate Black Americans.

I grew up with the Statue of Liberty as a symbol of hope and freedom for immigrants. “Give us your tired, your poor…” and all that, but Lady Liberty had been there for twenty years before those lines by Emma Lazarus were inscribed onto a plaque and installed at the pedestal. The Statue of Liberty is a symbol of immigration (the voluntary kind, not the shackled and chained way most Black people got here) for two reasons. One, immigrants latched onto the massive sculpture, which is understandable because she was the first image of New York for most European immigrants arriving by boat on the way to be processed at nearby Ellis Island. Two, the creator, Frederic-Auguste Bartholdi, pitched the idea to raise funding from Americans in the most general terms of “liberty” without specifically referencing Black Americans. His plan worked since the United States did indeed agree to pay for the pedestal if France paid for the actual statue, but it was a pivot away from the original idea.

Édouard de Laboulaye was a French abolitionist and it was he, along with his social circle of abolitionists, who conceived of a massive gift to present to the United States after the Civil War — once slavery was outlawed. The proposal of Lady Liberty initially held broken and shackles to signify the broken chains of slavery instead of the tablet she holds today. The chains eventually made their way into the final version down around her feet, the original significance lost to most people and barely noticed.

The years immediately following the Civil War were filled with promise for Black Americans and de Laboulaye wanted to recognize that. We made great strides in education, civic engagement, and politics, but the South regained its footing and struck a compromise in the 1876 Presidential Election that saw federal troops removed from the Old Confederacy. Black people were back in chains, invisible shackles placed on our communities through coalitions built between lawmakers and law enforcement, private businesses and private citizens. When Bartholdi finished Lady Liberty, there was no way to “sell” the idea to the United States as a celebration of slavery’s end. Black America hated the idea, because we were being oppressed, terrorized, and murdered, and White America would’ve scoffed, because they were doing the terrorizing. She was pitched as a symbol of liberty, immigrants saw her as the first welcoming image of the United States, and then the government solidified that feeling by using words from Emma Lazarus.

Today, it’s more important than ever to remember why the Statue of Liberty was conceived in the first place, not a symbol of general liberty and freedom, but as a symbol of Black liberty and freedom. We are still fighting to have our history accurately taught in schools. We are still fighting to be the country de Laboulaye thought we were becoming when slavery ended. And we are still fighting to live up to the promise Lady Liberty has symbolized to millions of immigrants. This little sister will probably be all over the news as we get closer to July 4th, so whenever you see her, make sure you remind somebody that the Statue of Liberty was supposed to be a gift to celebrate the end of slavery, but the US put Black people back in chains too quickly for her to actually symbolize liberty and freedom for us.

 

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