Well guys, it’s that time of year again. It’s officially cold as shit outside (there is a Nor-easter on its way and everything) and I am single, completely without cuddles. This means I am salty and shall now take to the Internet to voice some of my frustrations with dating as a gay brown 20something.
I want to talk about white guys who only date black men because I don’t date them anymore and I feel like I have valid reasons for not doing so. They usually fall into one of these camps:
- I’m attracted to the mythical ethos of black male masculinity.
- I’m attracted to the urban, black male stereotype with his big penis and lack of actual emotions.
- I don’t feel that white men find me attractive so I’m settling.
- I like dark complexions, the same way you might like tall people or guys with nice hair.
I was tempted to just put “guys” who only date black men, because I’ve run into guys of all backgrounds who’ve exhibited these preferences, but when a white man says “I only date men of color” (and color in this instance always means black or latino, not Asian) I’m immediately on side-eye. This is why.
I’m attracted to the mythical ethos of black male masculinity.
This guy who runs the blog on Adam4Adam decided to dedicated a post to the beauty of black men. I respect that. Black men are beautiful. But he prefaced it with this:
I’m white and I loooooove black men! When I was younger I used to date and hookup with black guys ONLY….Until I “opened” myself to other dudes…
A black man FOR ME is the epitome of masculinity. The guys I like are tall, strong, muscular, hung and confident… slightly dominant is good too….
So today I dedicate my post to all my beautiful black men and their fans!
This is flawed on so many levels. It automatically puts black men who don’t fit into that masculine box on the outside and it puts on a pedestal an image of the hypermasculine black man, an image that we’re fed from birth. Black men are strong, they have swagger, they will put it down in the bedroom and if you are anything other than this epitome of black masculinity, you are feminine and undesirable. Period. White men have such a wider range of masculinity they can draw from, but black men have to exude strength and power or they’re soft.
The last white guy I tried to date was of this variety. I met him online and we talked for a good two or three months before our schedules aligned for a date. I didn’t know at the time that he only dated black men or I wouldn’t have gone out with him in the first place, but I felt something was off as soon as we met face to face. There was no more flirtation and the conversation was dry immediately, and it’s not because I have misleading pictures. I’m not photogenic (not everybody is, I’ve watched enough pretty girls on Top Model taking ugly pictures) and I know I always look better in person. But I wasn’t masculine enough for him. I’m pretty middle-of-the-road, and so was he, but once we started talking about exes – his being named Jamal, Tyrone, and Marcus – I realized he was looking for something I would never be able to give him.
I’m attracted to the urban, black male stereotype with his big penis and lack of actual emotions.
I’ll be blunt.
These are the white bottoms who like being fucked by dudes on the DL. That is real, relevant, and way to the left of anything I’m about. I rarely find these types in real life because we don’t have anything to say to each other. If he’s looking for his mandingo warrior with a baby momma at home, he’s obviously not going to be sniffing around my door anytime soon. But living in Harlem, going on dating sites, it’s like every other white guy has his ass up in the air asking for 8 inches or better. Also, I’ve realized that every white man over 40 living in Harlem is probably gay and likes black dick. I’ve yet to meet a middle-aged straight white man living above 125th street, and that is creepy on so many levels. That mandingo madness is a real thing around these parts.
I don’t feel that white men find me attractive so I’m settling.
This is the one I personally run into the most. I was on a date with a (chubbyish white) guy a few months ago and he asked what kinds of guys I like. I’m all over the map. As long as he can read a book and understand my jokes, we can work out the aesthetics later. He can have a vagina and I’m still all about it if we have chemistry.
I had pegged this guy as an equal-opportunity dater as well. He was preppy, but he didn’t seem like the WASPy gay type fetishizing black men. He wasn’t all that concerned with masculinity, because we were appropriately inappropriate for a first date, and my lack of Black Man SWAG didn’t seem to bother him. I figured race just didn’t matter to him.
When he told me he usually dates black guys, I asked “why” out of shock, not to be nosey. He said black guys were the ones that usually hit on him and gave me a line about choosing between hot black guys who like him or ugly white guys who like him. And he got it from Lisa Lampanelli, who was quick to say she could bag guys who look like LL Cool J or guys who look like Screech.
This is from an interview Lisa gave to Starpulse during promotion for her book back in 2008:
Interviewer: I’d like to ask you about some of the quotes on the back of your book. One is from LL Cool J and it says, “Lisa can tie me down in bed at any time. Can you be honest, do you ever…
Lisa: Well no, he’s referring to something where we reenacted the scene from Misery for an MTV awards show. It was really funny because I personally think LL Cool J wouldn’t give me a shot in hell; but you know what, I graduated. I lost enough weight to get a white guy so I don’t need him anymore either.
Interviewer: Are you saying that you only dated black men because you had weight issues?
Lisa: It was all weight, self esteem issues and this and that. You’ll read it, you’ll laugh your ass off but there’s serious stuff in it. You kind of gravitate towards the things that you can get instead of the things that you want. That’s why I took a year and a half off dating before I met my dude now because I had this year and a half to go… What do I really want? And not just a knee-jerk reaction to, oh that looks good, that looks nice. Now I got me a fine, upstanding, regular whitey.
She’s so proud of herself for finally getting her white man after years of slumming it with black dudes because that’s all she could get. That is a subconscious mentality of so many white guys who aren’t at the top of the dating totem pole. I really want that blonde haired blue eyed jock, but I’m too fat, so I’ll just date this black guy who likes big butts.
I like dark complexions, the same way you might like tall people or guys with nice hair.
This guy, I can date, but it’s still a little odd. These same guys who say they date “men of color” for their skin tone are never chasing after southeast Asians and we’re the same color. And so many guys like to think they’re firmly in this camp of Number Fours, because it makes them feel better about themselves, when it’s really one of the other three or a mixture. Very rarely do I meet a white guy who actually (and ONLY) just dates black men because they’re darker.
Mostly is not only. If most of your exes are black, with a few sprinkles of beige and brown, that’s not as suspect. You’re open to the universe and what it has to offer. I can respect that.
But *ONLY* dating anything makes you look like an ass, whether it be only dating a certain race or a certain height or a certain profession, because you are cancelling out countless other people based on some superficial criterion you randomly made up. If you only date “masc” guys, you’re probably a dick. If you only date guys who make 50K and up, you’re probably a dick. If you only date hairy guys, you’re probably a dick.
And if you only date black guys, you’re probably a dick too, but in this case, I just gave you the reasons why you probably are. 😉