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White guys who only date Black guys.

I want to talk about white guys who only date black men because I don’t date them anymore and I feel like I have valid reasons for not doing so.

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Well guys, it’s that time of year again.  It’s officially cold as shit outside (there is a  Nor-easter on its way and everything) and I am single, completely without cuddles.  This means I am salty and shall now take to the Internet to voice some of my frustrations with dating as a brown 20something man who dates men.

I want to talk about white guys who only date black men because I don’t date them anymore and I feel like I have valid reasons for not doing so.  They usually fall into one of these camps:

  1. I’m attracted to the mythical ethos of black male masculinity.
  2. I’m attracted to the urban, black male stereotype with his big penis and lack of actual emotions.
  3. I don’t feel that white men find me attractive so I’m settling.
  4. I like dark complexions, the same way you might like tall people or guys with nice hair.

I was tempted to just put “guys” who only date black men, because I’ve run into guys of all backgrounds who’ve exhibited these preferences, but when a white man says “I only date men of color” (and color in this instance always means black or latino, not Asian) I’m immediately on side-eye.  This is why.

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ONE
I’m attracted to the mythical ethos of black male masculinity.

This guy who runs the blog on Adam4Adam decided to dedicated a post to the beauty of black men.  I respect that.  Black men are beautiful.  But he prefaced it with this:

I’m white and I loooooove black men! When I was younger I used to date and hookup with black guys ONLY….Until I “opened” myself to other dudes…

A black man FOR ME is the epitome of masculinity. The guys I like are tall, strong, muscular, hung and confident… slightly dominant is good too….

So today I dedicate my post to all my beautiful black men and their fans!

This is flawed on so many levels.  It automatically puts black men who don’t fit into that masculine box on the outside and it puts on a pedestal an image of the hypermasculine black man, an image that we’re fed from birth.  Black men are strong, they have swagger, they will put it down in the bedroom and if you are anything other than this epitome of black masculinity, you are feminine and undesirable.  Period.  White men have such a wider range of masculinity they can draw from, but black men have to exude strength and power or they’re soft.

The last white guy I tried to date was of this variety.  I met him online and we talked for a good two or three months before our schedules aligned for a date.    I didn’t know at the time that he only dated black men or I wouldn’t have gone out with him in the first place, but I felt something was off as soon as we met face to face.  There was no more flirtation and the conversation was dry immediately, and it’s not because I have misleading pictures.  I’m not photogenic (not everybody is, I’ve watched enough pretty girls on Top Model taking ugly pictures) and I know I always look better in person.  But I wasn’t masculine enough for him.  I’m pretty middle-of-the-road, and so was he, but once we started talking about exes – his being named Jamal, Tyrone, and Marcus – I realized he was looking for something I would never be able to give him.

TWO
I’m attracted to the urban, black male stereotype with his big penis and lack of actual emotions.

I’ll be blunt.

These are the white bottoms who like being fucked by dudes on the DL.  That is real, relevant, and way to the left of anything I’m about.  I rarely find these types in real life because we don’t have anything to say to each other.  If he’s looking for his mandingo warrior with a baby momma at home, he’s obviously not going to be sniffing around my door anytime soon.  But living in Harlem, going on dating sites, it’s like every other white guy has his ass up in the air asking for 8 inches or better.  Also, I’ve realized that every white man over 40 living in Harlem is probably gay and likes black dick.  I’ve yet to meet a middle-aged straight white man living above 125th street, and that is creepy on so many levels.  That mandingo madness is a real thing around these parts.

THREE
I don’t feel that white men find me attractive so I’m settling.

This is the one I personally run into the most.  I was on a date with a (chubbyish white) guy a few months ago and he asked what kinds of guys I like.  I’m all over the map.  As long as he can read a book and understand my jokes, we can work out the aesthetics later.  He can have a vagina and I’m still all about it if we have chemistry.

I had pegged this guy as an equal-opportunity dater as well.  He was preppy, but he didn’t seem like the WASPy gay type fetishizing black men.  He wasn’t all that concerned with masculinity, because we were appropriately inappropriate for a first date, and my lack of Black Man SWAG didn’t seem to bother him.  I figured race just didn’t matter to him.

When he told me he usually dates black guys, I asked “why” out of shock, not to be nosey.  He said black guys were the ones that usually hit on him and gave me a line about choosing between hot black guys who like him or ugly white guys who like him.  And he got it from Lisa Lampanelli, who was quick to say she could bag guys who look like LL Cool J or guys who look like Screech.

This is from an interview Lisa gave to Starpulse during promotion for her book back in 2008:

Interviewer: I’d like to ask you about some of the quotes on the back of your book. One is from LL Cool J and it says, “Lisa can tie me down in bed at any time. Can you be honest, do you ever…

Lisa: Well no, he’s referring to something where we reenacted the scene from Misery for an MTV awards show. It was really funny because I personally think LL Cool J wouldn’t give me a shot in hell; but you know what, I graduated. I lost enough weight to get a white guy so I don’t need him anymore either.

Interviewer: Are you saying that you only dated black men because you had weight issues?

Lisa:  It was all weight, self esteem issues and this and that. You’ll read it, you’ll laugh your ass off but there’s serious stuff in it. You kind of gravitate towards the things that you can get instead of the things that you want. That’s why I took a year and a half off dating before I met my dude now because I had this year and a half to go… What do I really want? And not just a knee-jerk reaction to, oh that looks good, that looks nice. Now I got me a fine, upstanding, regular whitey.

She’s so proud of herself for finally getting her white man after years of slumming it with black dudes because that’s all she could get.  That is a subconscious mentality of so many white guys who aren’t at the top of the dating totem pole.  I really want that blonde haired blue eyed jock, but I’m too fat, so I’ll just date this black guy who likes big butts.

FOUR
I like dark complexions, the same way you might like tall people or guys with nice hair.

This guy, I could date, but it’s still a little odd, and I don’t believe him anyway.  These same guys who say they date “men of color” for their skin tone are never chasing after southeast Asians and we’re the same color.  And so many guys like to think they’re firmly in this camp of Number Fours, because it makes them feel better about themselves, when it’s really one of the other three or a mixture.  Very rarely do I meet a white guy who actually (and ONLY) just dates black men because they’re darker.

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Mostly is not only.  If most of your exes are black, with a few sprinkles of beige and brown, that’s not as suspect.  You’re open to the universe and what it has to offer.  I can respect that. I’m not gonna date you, but I don’t really have any hostility toward you.

But *ONLY* dating anything makes you look like an ass, whether it be only dating a certain race or a certain height or a certain profession, because you are cancelling out countless other people based on some superficial criterion you randomly made up.  If you only date “masc” guys, you’re probably a dick.  If you only date guys who make 50K and up, you’re probably a dick.  If you only date hairy guys, you’re probably a dick.

And if you only date black guys, you’re probably a dick too, but in this case, I just gave you the reasons why you are.

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Race

Young white murderers are little boys. Young Black victims are grown men.

Racism, the assumptions around Black people, and the perceptions of Black children are all baked into the fabric of this country, and Conservative White America keeps that oven turned up every single day. 

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Kyle Rittenhouse is a 17-year-old wannabe policeman who carried an AR-15 across state lines to feel masculine, patriotic, and important, and he ultimately killed two people and injured another. Former Attorney General of Florida Pam Bondi says he’s just a little boy who was protecting his community.

He wasn’t protecting his community — he lives half an hour away. He had to have his mother drive him there.

He’s not a little kid — he’ll be 18 in December, old enough to vote and go to war.

He’s not a victim — protesters wouldn’t have been chasing him if he hadn’t shown up from out of town carrying a rifle that he legally wasn’t supposed to have anyway.

This is what Conservative White America watches all day, celebrations and exaltations of white murderers contrasted with demonizations and vilifications of Black victims. And when the murderer is young, Conservative White America rallies around them to magnify their youth and exaggerate their innocence. Kyle Rittenhouse is a murderer who gets to be a “little boy” and Dylann Roof is a murderer who gets to be a “sweet kid” but our young victims don’t have that luxury.

Michael Brown was 18 years old.

His murderer, who is the same height as Michael Brown, said he wasn’t a boy — he was a demon — and it was like wrestling with Hulk Hogan. (x)

Trayvon Martin was 17 years old.

He was walking home from the store when his murderer decided to stalk him, confront him, and then kill him because he was afraid of a child. (x)

Tamir Rice was 12 years old.

He and Kyle Rittenhouse are similar in that they were both carrying guns. Of course, Tamir’s was a toy and he was shot seconds after officers saw it, because what they thought they saw was a grown man carrying a deadly weapon. Officers on the scene said he was “maybe 20.” (x)

Law enforcement starts to see Black children as older than white children starting around 10 years old. After that, Black children have an extra four years tacked on to their age (on average), and when that Black child is accused of a crime, he’s more likely to be assumed guilty.

“Children in most societies are considered to be in a distinct group with characteristics such as innocence and the need for protection. Our research found that black boys can be seen as responsible for their actions at an age when white boys still benefit from the assumption that children are essentially innocent,” said author Phillip Atiba Goff, PhD, of the University of California, Los Angeles. The study was published online in APA’s Journal of Personality and Social Psychology®.

(cont. American Psychological Association)

We talk about defunding the police in the context of unlawful police shootings and racially motivated police brutality, and the counterarguments focus on reforming the police instead: They just need more training. They just need to learn more de-escalation strategies. There’s no training that will change 400 years of racially charged propaganda that has painted Black people, males especially, as aggressive, criminal, brutes. There’s no training that will suddenly make police officers see Black children as Black children when 400 years of media and history has painted Black kids as older and more dangerous than they are because Black people in general are framed as more dangerous and more aggressive than white people. Racism, the assumptions around Black people, and the perceptions of Black children are all baked into the fabric of this country, and Conservative White America keeps that oven turned up every single day.

 

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Race

Black people cannot sway an election.

Handwringing by Embarrassed Whites over the Black vote has to die. Y’all lost the 2016 election because you didn’t do enough to convince your families and social circles that Trump would destroy the country.

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There’s a white lady on Twitter with a very long thread about the 2016 election that I am absolutely not going to read, because all I needed was this:

In case she deletes the tweet, because sometimes people do that online when they’re getting dragged, Claire Berlinski said Donald Trump would not be President if Black people who voted for Obama had turned out in the same numbers for Hillary. I see variations of that all the time, trying to shift the blame for Trump onto Black people instead of examining it where it lay, with racist whites. White people blaming us for the election are embarrassed to be associated with them, so they deflect, but Black people don’t exist in large enough numbers to have the kind of impact these Embarrassed Whites want to imagine. Very very simple math proves this, so let’s just get it out of the way up top.

In 2016, 11% of Black people who had voted for Obama didn’t vote at all. 12% of white people who had voted for Obama voted for Trump. The US population is 63.4% white and 13.4% Black. There are almost five times as many white people in this country as Black people, so let’s apply that to the graph she posted.

2016

For simpler math, say the top bar shows 100 white people, which would mean the bottom bar would show 21 Black people, because that’s our ratio in this country. You see where this is going already I’m sure. This means 12 white Obama voters voted for Trump while TWO Black Obama voters didn’t vote at all. Embarrassed Whites want to shift blame from 12 white people to 2 Black people because it makes them feel better about not addressing politics with their relatives and acquaintances.

That part is factual — the original graph is from an article on the Washington Post. What I’m about to say next is more conjecture based on common knowledge that’s already out there because I don’t have the research background (time, really) to pull the numbers on all of this. Take what you know about gerrymandering, about housing discrimination, and about redlining, and apply that to the numbers. We don’t have a 1 person = 1 vote system. We have an electoral system where 100 people are consolidated into 1 vote based on who the majority of that 100 wanted.

51 people vote A. 49 people vote B. A wins.
51 people vote A. 49 people vote B. A wins again.
10 people vote A. 90 people vote B. B wins.

The votes are 112 to 188, but A wins the whole shebang because A won twice.  (That’s how Trump won.) Because of the aforementioned gerrymandering, housing discrimination, and redlining, most of the Black people are sitting in the 90 person block of people who voted for B. Every Black person in America could have voted in 2016, and it would not have had the effect on the election that Embarrassed Whites like to pretend it would have because the US electoral system has consolidated our voting power into tiny blocs cordoned off from the rest of the population.

Harlem is going to vote Democrat. The equivalent of Harlem in Dallas or Birmingham or Memphis is going to vote Democrat. You can convince another few thousand Black people to go vote for your candidate in the Harlems across the country, and it didn’t do anything to tip the balance of the election because Candidate A has still won two contests. It’s only increasing the margin of victory for Candidate B in one result. There aren’t enough Black people in these 95% white voting districts (dotted all across the country in red states with more cows than people) to say, “well if Black people voted we wouldn’t be here.” You’ll have one extra Black vote in Montana for every 20 extra Black votes in Harlem.

Handwringing by Embarrassed Whites over the Black vote has to die. Y’all lost the 2016 election because you didn’t do enough to convince your families and social circles that Trump would destroy the country. You are going to lose the 2020 election for that same reason if you keep worrying about what we are doing over here. Spend less time focusing on Black turnout and more time convincing your communities that they need to go vote. Ours has been taken advantage of, disappointed enough, and blamed so many times that we have honestly earned the right to say “screw this, y’all fix it, I’m tired.”

 

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Race

Appreciation vs. Appropriation, featuring Adele

She’s that awkward white girl sitting at the Black girl table getting her hair braided at lunch.

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Adele in 2015: Hello….

hello

Adele in 2020: Watagwan!

adele carnival

I have a few words for Adele, but I want to throw some examples of previous discussions to remind y’all that this conversation ain’t new.

Miley Cyrus – Appreciation or Appropriation?

Miley Cyrus is the whitest of white child stars with absolutely no connection to Black culture whatsoever. That’s not an automatic barrier, but it’s a big hurdle to climb, and to do it, you need to prove your worth. She didn’t. She wore her grills and hobnobbed with rappers and “twerked” at awards shows, taking the most visible parts of Black entertainment culture and putting them on like a costume for headlines. And she got them…for awhile. When the shtick wore out, she took it off and gave interviews about “outgrowing” all of the trappings she had adopted when she wanted attention via shock and notoriety.

Appropriation, on the grounds of “oooh Black people are ‘dangerous’ so I’ll dabble in the culture to show how grown up and shocking I am now.”

Iggy Azalea – Appreciation or Appropriation?

Amethyst Amelia Kelly is a white woman from the backwoods of Australia who used Black culture to catapult herself to superstardom. She threw on a Southern hip-hop Blackcent that in no way resembled how she spoke or where she came from. Hip-hop is about authenticity. Give me an Australian twang and a kangaroo joke, not a Decatur drawl and a runaway slave master punchline. When she was called out on it, her answer was basically fuck y’all I do what I want you’re just jealous. She managed to set female rap milestones because the world loves Black culture in a white package and she used that to her advantage while she disrespected us the entire time.

Appropriation, on the grounds of “I’m just using y’all to make a buck.”

Kim Kardashian – Appreciation or Appropriation?

Kim Kardashian is a white woman who rode Black dick to fame and never got off. Everything about her is a manufactured bastardized approximation of Blackness made more palatable to the masses on a white woman. She DGAF about Black people, Black culture, Black lives, or her Black ass husband.

Appropriation, on the grounds of….duh.

Teena Marie – Appreciation or Appropriation?

Teena Marie loved us and we loved her back. Every Black household owned a record that had Teena Marie on it and we never doubted if she was coming from a good place. She is universally accepted as our White Soul Sister because she respected the culture and the art and it was evident in everything she did.

Appreciation, on the grounds of “You respect my shit, I’ll respect your shit.”

Eminem – Appreciation or Appropriation?

Eminem is one of the best rappers of all time, as he should be. If you are going to be white and venture into hip-hop, take it seriously. Study your craft. Be the best rapper you can possibly be. Don’t make it into a joke, don’t make it into a cash grab, and give it your all. Every Black kid learns that to make it into America you have to try twice as hard to get half as far. When a white kid decides to go into rap music, they need to try twice as hard (to get twice as far tbh, because white people love Black culture in white packages, but still…)

Appreciation, on the grounds of “I worked hard for this.”

Madonna – Appreciation or Appropriation?

“Vogue” is one of the biggest singles of all time and it brought ballroom out of the shadows and into the light in a way nothing had been able to do before, because the biggest white pop star on the planet was holding the lantern. Madonna cut her teeth in the East Village and Lower East Side with Black and Latino performers. Her first single didn’t have her face on it because it was sent to Black radio, and DJs didn’t necessarily know she was white. A few albums and mega singles later, it shouldn’t have been a surprise that Madonna would put “Vogue” out there because she wasn’t a stranger to the community — it’s where she started. Still, this cis straight white woman was reaping the benefits of an artform created for and by the Black & Brown queer community. She used a culture she was only loosely familiar with and made millions while the people who lived the life were left behind.

Appropriation & Appreciation, on the grounds of “Sometimes you love it so you participate in it but you don’t do enough to support the people who made it.”

So, Adele wearing Bantu knots…

Adele ain’t stupid and I’m sure Adele was prepared to be dragged and she did it anyway because Adele loves Black art and entertainment, generally minds her business, and shows her stan card for every Black woman in the industry. If Adele decided to release a rap single and throw some Bantu knots in there for the video, I’m upset. That’s appropriation. She, in her whiteness, is stepping into a highly competitive arena that does not belong to her and she’s putting on Blackness for capital gain. Adele doing rap music would shove her to the forefront of the genre because white buyers love when white women do hip-hop, whether it’s good or not. That’s appropriation. Adele participating in a celebration of Blackness (because she literally celebrates Blackness publicly and regularly) is appreciation, regardless of how awkward it is.

It’s not “look at my new style.” It’s “look at this style I’m wearing in appreciation for this event taking place.”

It’s not “Kim Culture Vulture Kardashian inventing cornrows on a Tuesday for Instagram likes.” It’s “Adele Mildy Awkward Akinds celebrating Carnival to the fullest.”

I’m not mad. She’s that awkward white girl sitting at the Black girl table getting her hair braided at lunch.

Appreciation, on the grounds of “It’s just a white lady celebrating us who does so regularly.”

 

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