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A lesson on what bisexuality means and what it doesn’t.

Stop making gross assumptions based on nothing but Hollywood stereotypes and your own prejudices.

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If you are in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex, you are heterosexual.

If you are in a relationship with someone of the same sex, you are homosexual.

Therefore, if you are a bisexual, you have to be in a relationship with a person of the same sex and the opposite sex.  At the same time.  Because that’s totally how bisexuality works according to prunes like Larry King.

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Anna Paquin had a good start, but let’s go further into that.

In all fairness to Larry King, if you don’t know, you just don’t know.  I don’t think he’s “queerphobic” as some people have attempted to label him – he’s just having a conversation on a topic he’s never really thought about before.  So let’s teach him!  (and y’all too, especially the bi-phobic gay men and straight women who never have anything nice to say to bisexual men)

First, this is not what bisexuality is:

For some of you straight men, bisexuality is not a front that women put on to entice you at parties.  A girl who makes out with another girl at a party for attention is not necessarily bisexual.  She might be!  And that’s fine!  But being bisexual is more than making yourself sexually enticing with another woman for the benefit of male attention.

For some of you straight women, bisexuality is not being on the DL.  There are men who sleep with women and cheat on those women with gay men in secret.  They could be repressed homosexuals, they could be bisexual, but they are definitely cheaters and liars and that has nothing to do with being bisexual.

For some of you gay men, bisexuality is not the first stop to gay town.  It might be!  And that’s fine!  But if a guy tells you he’s bisexual, it’s not your job to put his story in the context of your own prejudices and decide his sexuality for him.

For some of you lesbians, bisexuality is not a blatant show of disrespect to your homosexuality.  Bisexual women are not traitors to the lesbian community if they have a long-lasting relationship with a woman and then follow that up having a relationship with a man.

For everyone, bisexuality is not a license to cheat or an inclination to be a cheater.  If your partner is going to cheat on you, they are going to cheat on you whether they’re bisexual or not.

(I’m about to speak in binary terms, not as an act of erasure, but because I don’t feel qualified to delve into the more nuanced arguments around gender and sexuality.  There are a variety of sexualites and genders that are better discussed by people with experience in those arenas, and when y’all are ready to go past this very elementary breakdown of bisexuality I’ve thrown together, please do your good Googling and learn more.)

Bisexuality is an attraction to men and women.  That’s it.  Being attracted to both doesn’t mean you have to have both now, in the past, or in the future.  Your sexuality doesn’t become null and void dependent upon on your relationship status.  If you are bisexual, being in a homosexual relationship does not invalidate your attraction to the opposite sex and vice versa.  By that logic, you are only heterosexual if you are in a relationship and once it ends, you are now asexual because you’re no longer having sex.

Bisexuality also has no bearing on your current relationship and it shouldn’t matter whether you disclose it to someone or not. If my next girlfriend doesn’t tell me about every other man she’s slept with, I don’t care. It has no bearing on our relationship. If we break up and she starts dating another man, that sucks. I lost my girlfriend. If we break up and she starts dating a woman, that sucks. I lost my girlfriend. Period. Why would it suck more if the new person is a woman? Our relationship ended either way. People upset at the gender of the new partner are looking for a reason to explain why their relationship ended. Bisexual people don’t leave you because they got tired of your genitals. They left you for the same reason everybody else did — they got tired of you, and whoever the next person is has no relation to that fact. The relationship ended. The next genitals don’t matter.

But most importantly – in my experience at least – bisexuality does not equate to cheating.  If you are a gay man in a monogamous relationship with another gay man, your attraction to other men hasn’t gone away.  You’ve just made the conscious decision not to act on those feelings out of respect for your relationship.  The same goes for a woman in a relationship with a man – other men are still attractive, but you have a partner already, so you just look without engaging.  Bisexual people have the same process.  If I’m in a relationship with a woman, I don’t cease to be attracted to men and other women.  I’ve just made the conscious decision not to act on those feelings, and I don’t HAVE to have both just because I LIKE both.

I love pie.  I’m a pie eater, but I don’t have to have every pie I see.  I like a variety of pies, but I’m fine with just this slice in front of me and I can be happy with that even though the other pies look good.  I also like cake.  I’m bi-dessertual.  I’m pickier with my cake, but I still like a few different kinds.  If I’ve picked this pie though, I’ve already got my dessert.  Just because I like cake too doesn’t mean I have to go find a slice, the same way I don’t have to have a slice of every pie in the bakery too.

If a bisexual man is currently with his woman-pie, he doesn’t have to have a slice of man-cake too even if he’s enjoyed it before.  He committed to his woman-pie and the man-cake just looks nice in the glass case next to all the other woman-pies he’s not partaking in.

So that’s today’s lesson in bisexuality.  Stop making gross assumptions based on nothing but Hollywood stereotypes and your own prejudices.  That’s how you end up shriveled and alone with broccoli on your plate.

 

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LGBT

Niecy Nash ties the knot with singer Jessica Betts.

This is Beyonce levels of keeping your mouth shut and we commend everyone in the Nash/Betts camp.

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2020 just never stops surprising us!

Did y’all know Niecy Nash was divorced? and bisexual? and in a relationship? with a woman? This is a lot to process!

Rewind a little with me.

I just found out who Jessica Betts was in 2014, thanks to Youtube. I was in a R&B deep dive watching new music and I fell in love with “Holdin’ On” because her voice was so rich and I loved the idea of a lesbian R&B diva (this was before Monifah came out and got married).

Jessica wasn’t new to the scene though — just new to me. Back in 2005, Missy Elliot had a hip-hop/R&B take on American Idol that aired on UPN called Road to Stardom.

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Judged by Mona Scott (yes, that Mona Scott), Dallas Austin, and Teena Marie (that’s two Teena mentions today on this blog, must be some Square Biz in the air), the competition was won by a 23-year-old writer from Chicago named Jessica Betts.

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Over in the Timeline of Niecy Nash, Carol Denise married Reverend Don Nash back in 1994 and they divorced in 2007. The wedding preparations during her next relationship aired on TLC and she married Jay Tucker in 2011. They split last year, the divorce was finalized in March, and now she and Jessica have tied the knot and none of us knew!

This is Beyonce levels of keeping your mouth shut and we commend everyone in the Nash/Betts camp. Also, let this be a lesson to put whatever energy out there into the world you want to receive, because Niecy and Jessica are married in 2020, but all the way back in 2016 Niecy was stanning her future wife on Twitter.

If Twitter gets you a life partner, y’all minuswell go ahead and get your wedding gifts ready for my future nuptials to Dan Levy.

 

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LGBT

Valentina Sampaio, Sports Illustrated, and trans women under the male gaze.

Trans model Valentina Sampaio is the definition of “threatening” to fragile masculinity. 

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Brazilian-born Valentina Sampaio is one of eight rookies in this year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit class of 2020 and she’s the first openly transgender model to grace the pages of the magazine. Since taking over the Swimsuit issue in 2015, editor MJ Day has pushed for inclusiveness in the magazine. She joined the staff as an intern in the 90s who had to sort through thousands of bikinis in a closet to send back to designers, and now she heads a team of only four SI staff-members who work for the Swimsuit edition full time. What she says goes, and she’s been going for diversity.

The inclusive spirit of Sports Illustrated’s current model lineup can be credited to the publication’s longtime editor in chief, MJ Day. Day included Graham as the first plus-size model in 2016; Halima Aden as its first hijabi face in 2019; and had Banks return at the age of 46 to dazzle on the cover in 2019, all of which has heightened the relevance of the annual issue.

(cont. Vogue)

Of course, none of those picks will draw the same pushback as Sampaio, but I think she can handle the criticism. Trans models are the bravest women in the industry because everyone has an opinion on what is or isn’t in their pants, and for the segment of the population being courted by SI, Valentina is the definition of “threatening” to their fragile masculinity.

And those last two are the crux of the issue: straight men who think being attracted to trans women is a statement on their heterosexuality.

Men who are quick to express their disgust over trans women are weak. If you were attracted to her before you knew she was trans, you still are. You don’t turn it off with a switch. You’re just pretending not to be because you think it says something about your sexuality, which is still linked with your masculinity in the minds of most people.

And you can save the the “but I don’t like dicks” argument. I promise you she has no intention of sleeping with you, so what she does or doesn’t have between her legs is absolutely none of your business. If the only thing that stops you, a heterosexual male, from being attracted to  someone or makes you, a heterosexual male, attracted to someone is the space between their legs, then what you’re saying is, this man (Trip Richards, who does porn, so we know what his genitals look like) who has a vagina is someone you can be attracted to:

TRIPLE

And this woman, who may or may not have a penis, is someone who disgusts you:

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Let’s also be very clear: no straight man is disgusted by a penis. If he was, he wouldn’t watch porn. And porn wouldn’t be dominated by men with large dicks getting hard for other men to watch go in and out of women, sometimes alongside other men with large dicks (seriously, gangbangs and DP should make you question your heterosexuality way more than a woman who was born with a penis).

The bottom line is, if there is a trans woman in front of you and you are attracted to that woman, be secure in that attraction without commenting on what is or isn’t under her skirt. You don’t ask cis women to confirm that you like the way their vagina looks before you decide whether they can have the honor of appearing in your little fantasies, so don’t ask trans women. The only time anybody’s genitals should be of your concern is if they personally want you to experience them. Otherwise, go back to your basement and keep flipping through Sports Illustrated. I hear the Swimsuit issue is especially good this year.

 

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LGBT

Fire Island said “what pandemic?”

The gays threw caution — and masks — to the wind this weekend.

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Everybody in Fire Island over the 4th of July weekend is being lumped together into the same pile of garbage because of videos like this:

So let’s break that up a little bit, because this is America and we love Labels & Boxes.

I have money and I’ve been here for weeks.

Some gays have money, some gays have friends with money, and some gays have friends who have friends with money. And they’ve been in their beach houses for weeks or months. One of my friends left the city in April and has been chilling in the sea air away from NYC congestion living his best, relaxed life. These are not the people in those videos.  These people are sitting at home playing Bananagrams.

I had a share and I couldn’t cancel it.

NYC gets tiring, even when we’re not in the middle of a pandemic. I’m going on a road trip in a few weeks to go sit in the mountains and hear sounds that aren’t fireworks and ambulances. One of my roommates is in Rhode Island right now.  I can’t speak for everybody else, but I plan to get tested the week before I go, isolate, and wait for my results so I don’t unwittingly carry anything into rural North Carolina. I definitely understand the urge to get out of this city, especially when we’ve been stuck in it for so long.

So, if you already had a share in Fire Island for the weekend that you paid for six months ago, I can understand not canceling it. Go get out of the city, breathe, see the ocean, etc.

Some of these people are sitting at home playing Uno. And some of these people are definitely at the parties showing off the Parke & Ronens they haven’t gotten to wear this year.

I literally die without seeing and being seen by hot strangers.

I’m trying to share my thoughts on this with as little shade as possible because I do not understand this impulse. However! One of my roommates is an actor/comedian and I don’t understand the impulse to be on a stage either, but I can see how not having that outlet these past few months has affected him. Some folks are just wired to be around groups of people, and I — as someone who generally hates strangers and most people — will never be able to fully wrap my head around that need. I don’t need to feel like I’m in the mix of something to be whole, so I don’t get it when some of my friends are dying because they don’t have access to this:

I don’t enjoy that, ever, so I can’t contextualize missing it so much you would risk your health and the health of others to jump back into it for a weekend. I haven’t really been missing anything during the Covid Crisis other than museums and yeast rolls, so my Risk and Reward calculation for that kind of party his High Risk and No Reward. I have friends who went to Fire Island for the weekend and some of them will have definitely been at those little parties. Their calculation is High Risk and Very High Reward.

But honestly…I trust them not to infect other people. One of the guys in my social distancing bubble decided to break the bubble and go to Fire Island this weekend. He’ll probably be partying all weekend around various bugs, Miss Rona included. His plan is to wear a mask when he’s not partying, isolate for two weeks at home when he gets back, and then get tested. The only people he’s endangering are other people at the parties who made the same Risk and Reward calculation, so I don’t really have anything to say about it. I don’t understand it, but as long as you’re responsibly making sure you don’t potentially pass anything to unwitting strangers, what more can I ask?

This guy is trash though.

 

 

coreyrona3

 

For every ten people who want to be as responsible as possible, there’s a pathological narcissist like Corey who is willingly putting people in danger because he made the great sacrifice of sitting in his room for 8 whole days. There are too many variables in a group, and the more people you have, the more likely it is that some of them are assholes, idiots, or both.

I hope everybody in Fire Island is having a great time and getting whatever boost they needed from this weekend around other like-minded individuals. I hope they mask up around everybody who did not sign up to be infected with a potentially deadly illness for the joy of thumpa thumpa and alphabet drugs. I hope they isolate for two weeks when they get back home and then get tested. And I hope they’ve gotten their fix for awhile so they can survive the next few months without putting communities in danger again.

 

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