If you are in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex, you are heterosexual.
If you are in a relationship with someone of the same sex, you are homosexual.
Therefore, if you are a bisexual, you have to be in a relationship with a person of the same sex and the opposite sex. At the same time. Because that’s totally how bisexuality works according to prunes like Larry King.
Anna Paquin had a good start, but let’s go further into that.
In all fairness to Larry King, if you don’t know, you just don’t know. I don’t think he’s “queerphobic” as some people have attempted to label him – he’s just having a conversation on a topic he’s never really thought about before. So let’s teach him! (and y’all too, especially the bi-phobic gay men and straight women who never have anything nice to say to bisexual men)
First, this is not what bisexuality is:
For some of you straight men, bisexuality is not a front that women put on to entice you at parties. A girl who makes out with another girl at a party for attention is not necessarily bisexual. She might be! And that’s fine! But being bisexual is more than making yourself sexually enticing with another woman for the benefit of male attention.
For some of you straight women, bisexuality is not being on the DL. There are men who sleep with women and cheat on those women with gay men in secret. They could be repressed homosexuals, they could be bisexual, but they are definitely cheaters and liars and that has nothing to do with being bisexual.
For some of you gay men, bisexuality is not the first stop to gay town. It might be! And that’s fine! But if a guy tells you he’s bisexual, it’s not your job to put his story in the context of your own prejudices and decide his sexuality for him.
For some of you lesbians, bisexuality is not a blatant show of disrespect to your homosexuality. Bisexual women are not traitors to the lesbian community if they have a long-lasting relationship with a woman and then follow that up having a relationship with a man.
For everyone, bisexuality is not a license to cheat or an inclination to be a cheater. If your partner is going to cheat on you, they are going to cheat on you whether they’re bisexual or not.
(I’m about to speak in binary terms, not as an act of erasure, but because I don’t feel qualified to delve into the more nuanced arguments around gender and sexuality. There are a variety of sexualites and genders that are better discussed by people with experience in those arenas, and when y’all are ready to go past this very elementary breakdown of bisexuality I’ve thrown together, please do your good Googling and learn more.)
Bisexuality is an attraction to men and women. That’s it. Being attracted to both doesn’t mean you have to have both now, in the past, or in the future. Your sexuality doesn’t become null and void dependent upon on your relationship status. If you are bisexual, being in a homosexual relationship does not invalidate your attraction to the opposite sex and vice versa. By that logic, you are only heterosexual if you are in a relationship and once it ends, you are now asexual because you’re no longer having sex.
Bisexuality also has no bearing on your current relationship and it shouldn’t matter whether you disclose it to someone or not. If my next girlfriend doesn’t tell me about every other man she’s slept with, I don’t care. It has no bearing on our relationship. If we break up and she starts dating another man, that sucks. I lost my girlfriend. If we break up and she starts dating a woman, that sucks. I lost my girlfriend. Period. Why would it suck more if the new person is a woman? Our relationship ended either way. People upset at the gender of the new partner are looking for a reason to explain why their relationship ended. Bisexual people don’t leave you because they got tired of your genitals. They left you for the same reason everybody else did — they got tired of you, and whoever the next person is has no relation to that fact. The relationship ended. The next genitals don’t matter.
But most importantly – in my experience at least – bisexuality does not equate to cheating. If you are a gay man in a monogamous relationship with another gay man, your attraction to other men hasn’t gone away. You’ve just made the conscious decision not to act on those feelings out of respect for your relationship. The same goes for a woman in a relationship with a man – other men are still attractive, but you have a partner already, so you just look without engaging. Bisexual people have the same process. If I’m in a relationship with a woman, I don’t cease to be attracted to men and other women. I’ve just made the conscious decision not to act on those feelings, and I don’t HAVE to have both just because I LIKE both.
I love pie. I’m a pie eater, but I don’t have to have every pie I see. I like a variety of pies, but I’m fine with just this slice in front of me and I can be happy with that even though the other pies look good. I also like cake. I’m bi-dessertual. I’m pickier with my cake, but I still like a few different kinds. If I’ve picked this pie though, I’ve already got my dessert. Just because I like cake too doesn’t mean I have to go find a slice, the same way I don’t have to have a slice of every pie in the bakery too.
If a bisexual man is currently with his woman-pie, he doesn’t have to have a slice of man-cake too even if he’s enjoyed it before. He committed to his woman-pie and the man-cake just looks nice in the glass case next to all the other woman-pies he’s not partaking in.
So that’s today’s lesson in bisexuality. Stop making gross assumptions based on nothing but Hollywood stereotypes and your own prejudices. That’s how you end up shriveled and alone with broccoli on your plate.
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Courtney Act is a gift to this world. She’s so good at talking to anyone, and everyone looking to be a queer ambassador should be following her lead. She’s not trying to be Oprah and pull out your deepest trauma. She’s not trying to be Dr. Phil to coach you into realizations with psychobabble. She never comes from a place of preaching, just existing and being authentic.
Carl Nassib is the NFL’s first active gay player.
Another pride month win for representation!
Las Vegas Raiders defensive end Carl Nassib came out of the closet earlier today and his statement almost brought me to tears.
Nothing he said was particularly emotional, but it just took me back to junior high school, having rocks thrown at me, getting into fights on the bus, hearing faggot every day, and seeing no way past the torture of being bullied by jocks who thought it was fun to beat up on the gay kid.
It was just cool to beat up on the gay kid. Whether you were actually homophobic or not didn’t matter — you bullied the gay kid because other guys bullied the gay kid and that’s just how it was. It’s not as cool as it once was. Homophobia still exists, but outright support also exists in a way I didn’t experience, and sometimes that counterbalance is all you need for a homophobe to seethe quietly since he doesn’t have enough peers to feed into the bullying.
I’m trying to picture how I would have felt in junior high if an NFL player came out and his commissioner, coach, and teammates were all behind him. I probably would’ve been bullied anyway, to some extent at least, but I definitely would’ve believed it actually does get better, because I didn’t at the time. Saying “it gets better” doesn’t mean anything to a kid who wants to die because he’s the only gay person he knows, he dreads facing his peers because he doesn’t know if someone will light his homework on fire or hit him with a flagpole, and the only gay people on TV are fictional comic relief. Seeing a gay man in the center of a hypermasculine, heterosexual, aggressive environment means much more. It means not everyone is out to get you and you won’t be tortured forever, because if he can find support in the NFL, you can find support somewhere too.
Casey Frey has a boyfriend.
Watch his coming out video on Theo Von’s podcast. The kids are so blessed!
I know who Casey Frey is, because I’m online all the time, but I don’t really know who Casey Frey is. I just have a passing recognition of him and I can pick him out of a lineup because every once in awhile, one of his “dancing” videos goes viral.
Back in the days of Vine, Casey amassed a huge following from his awkward dance clips that were oddly charming in that Gen Z way of being earnest and silly at the same time. Now he’s a bonafide Instagram comedian, but I don’t follow him, because I’m pretty dry and subdued, and I don’t think very many people are funny enough to watch over and over (or at all!).
The kids who do follow him had that young man trending for a couple of days in a row because he has a boyfriend now.
CASEY FREY HAS A BOYFRIEND!! BOY!!!FRIEND!!!nature is healing pic.twitter.com/tkcUKCf4kR— kelise (@freelancepharm) June 14, 2021
I had never put much thought into who Casey Frey sleeps with. I just assumed he was straight because, if he was queer, he would’ve popped up on my social media feeds more often from being shared by the gays in my social networks. The few times I saw his sexuality discussed, it was usually a gay man either alluding to Casey’s queerness or making a light-hearted joke about it and they would immediately be corrected by his fans. So, Casey coming out with a boyfriend made a big ripple on social media.
I really don’t care. I don’t even know anything about him past what I just Googled.
What I do care about is his coming out video with Theo Von, who some of you Gen X and Millennials may remember from Road Rules.
Not gonna even front: I had a huge crush on Theo growing up. He was a Southern good ol’ boy (my weakness at the time) who was genuinely nice, wasn’t a bigot, and read books. And he had nice arms. I’ve lo-key followed his career as a comedian and I still think he’s genuinely charming but don’t tell anybody I said that because we do not praise straight white men in this household!
Casey went on Theo’s podcast and I want y’all to watch how casually he comes out as bisexual and how everyone reacts to it.
No one cares. Look at that! No one cares!
When I saw that clip yesterday, I surprised myself by how emotional I got. I just remember growing up in the South with Theo’s accent all around me calling me a faggot on a regular basis. Straight guys tortured me for years. I saw a couple of gays on the Real World, Queer as Folk, and Will & Grace, but that was about it for my exposure to queerness in the big bad world. No part of my brain would’ve thought that twenty years later, a male comedian presumed to be straight would be on another straight male comedian’s radio show and casually say he has a boyfriend.
I’m so happy the little gay boys in conservative pockets of the country facing taunts and bullying have clips like this. It doesn’t necessarily affect what’s happening to you in that moment day to day, but it’s gotta be so nice to see that there is a wider world where everyone doesn’t hate you.
As Theo says in the clip, “That’s awesome.”
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