And the Grammy Award goes to…

Grammy nominations come out next week and I just do not care anymore because we already know the wrong people will win and those genre categories get more and more arbitrary every year.

So these are my nominees for categories I made up instead because they’re very important.

(Just for the record, I didn’t pick any “duds” or “filler” for these random categories. Everything I chose came straight from my most played list for 2018 and it’s all music I loved this year. I’ll still do my usual Top 100 Songs of the Year post in January, but if you wanted a broad overview, this is what I was into.)

BEST ALBUM THAT PROVES THE GAYS ARE SAVING POP MUSIC

MNEK – Language
Hayley Kiyoko – Expectations
Troye Sivan – Bloom
Janelle Monae – Dirty Computer
Years & Years – Palo Santo


BEST ALBUM FROM AN ARTIST THAT MAKES YOU SAY “OH WOW THEY STILL PUTTIN OUT MUSIC?”

Edie Brickell & New Bohemians – Rocket
Lisa Stansfield – Deeper
Bon Jovi – This House Is Not For Sale
Paul Simon – In The Blue Light
Smashing Pumpkins – Shiny and Oh So Bright


BEST BOP FROM THE SINGERS OF LOVE & HIP-HOP BC ALL THE RAPPERS KEEP MAKING TRASH

Tammy Rivera “Lose”
Amara La Negra “Insecure”
Amina Buddafly “Unbothered”
Brooke Valentine “Change”
Bianca Bonnie “Do Better”
Bridget Kelly “Little Did You Know”
*Brooke & Bridget “Swear to Gawd”


BEST ALBUM TO KEEP THAT WHITE BELT CHECKERED VANS MYSPACE SPIRIT GOING

Fall Out Boy – M A N I A
Interpol – Marauder
Franz Ferdinand – Always Ascending
Tokyo Police Club – TPC
We are Scientists – Megaplex
Editors – Violence


BEST ALBUM BY A FEMALE RAPPER WE SHOULD’VE BEEN PAYING MORE ATTENTION TO INSTEAD OF ARGUING OVER CARDI & NICKI ALL YEAR

Megan Thee Stallion – Tina Snow
cupcakKe – Ephorize
Saweetie – High Maintenance
Doja Cat – Amala
Leikeli47 – Acrylic


BEST COUNTRY ALBUM BY A GUY WHO CLEARLY SAYS BRO AT THE END OF EVERY SENTENCE AND GREW UP LISTENING TO R&B RADIO

Thomas Rhett – Life Changes
Kane Brown – Experiment
Chris Lane – Laps Around the Sun
Michael Ray – Amos
Dan + Shay – Dan + Shay
Devin Dawson – Dark Horse


BEST SONG WHERE THE AUNTIES SHOW THESE KIDS HOW R&B SHOULD BE DONE

Xscap3 “Here For It”
Toni Braxton “Long As I Live”
Tamia “Deeper”
Mariah “GTFO”
En Vogue “Rocket”


BEST ALBUM LIKELY TO BE FOUND ON THE IPHONE OF A GIRL IN BROOKLYN WHO WORKS IN A COFFEESHOP AND OWNS PLANTS & 1 OR 2 CATS

Laura Veirs – The Lookout
Sunflower Bean – Twentytwo in Blue
Frankie Cosmos – Vessel
Shannon and the Clams – Onion
Lola Kirke – Heart Head West
Leyya – Sauna


THE ZHANE ALBUM AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE IN HARMONIC DUETS

VanJess – Silk Canvas
First Aid Kit – Ruins
St. Beauty – Running to the Sun
War & Treaty – Healing Tide
Lucius – NUDES
Chloe x Halle – The Kids Are Alright


BEST TRACK TO ADD TO YOUR GETTING HIGH PLAYLIST

Billie Eilish “bitches broken hearts”
Amerie “Not A Love Song”
Idealism “crowds”
Alela Diane “Émigré”
Violents & Monica Martin “Equal Powers”
LION BABE “Honey Dew”
Lissie “Boyfriend”


BEST ALBUM BY ONE OF THE POP GURLS WHO REALLY TRIED TO SHAKE THE TABLE

Kali Uchis – Isolation
Ariana Grande – Sweetener
Rosalía – El Mal Querer
Robyn – Honey


BEST ALBUM FOR THE GAYS TO SAY “I DON’T LIKE COUNTRY, BUT…”

Ashley Monroe – Sparrow
Runaway June – Runaway June
Kelsea Bellerini – Unapologetically
Kacey Musgraves – Golden Hour
Pistol Annies – Interstate Gospel
Carrie Underwood – Cry Pretty


BEST HIP-HOP LP FOR OLD HEADS WHO DON’T LIKE MUMBLING, NONSENSICAL INTERJECTIONS, OR KOOLAIDHAIRDOODLEFACE CLONES

6LACK – East Atlanta Love Letter
Nicki Minaj – Queen
Lil Wayne – Tha Carter V
Jean Grae/Quelle Chris – Everything’s Fine
Dave East – P2
Cardi B – Invasion of Privacy


BEST HOLLERING ASS WHITE WOMAN VOCAL PERFORMANCE

Dorothy (Dorothy Martin) “On My Knees”
Maggie Rose “It’s You”
Florence + the Machine (Florence Welch) “100 Years”
Caitlyn Smith “Contact High”
Marmozets (Becca Macintyre) “Habits”
Kelly Clarkson “Never Enough”


BEST ALBUM BY AN ARTIST WHO IS 100% HETEROSEXUAL AND YOU WILL JUST HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT

Shawn Mendes – Shawn Mendes
Charlie Puth – Voicenotes
David Archuleta – Postcards in the Sky


BEST ALBUM BY A BAND THAT STILL SOUNDS MAD AFTER ALL THESE YEARS MAYBE THEY NEED THERAPY

Shinedown – ATTENTION, ATTENTION
Breaking Benjamin – Ember
Bullet For My Valentine – Gravity
Godmsack – When Legends Rise
Atreyu – In Our Wake
Senses Fail – If There Is Light, It Will Find You


BEST SONG BY AN ARTIST YOU LOOK AT AND SAY “I KNOW IT’S BIG”

ZAYN “Fingers”
Anderson .Paak “Headlow”
Jussie Smollett “Smile”
Trey Songz “Reflection”
Craig David “I Know You”
Maluma “Delincuente”


BEST ALBUM BY A HAIM IMPERSONATOR WHICH WOULD BE SHADE BUT THE MUSIC SLAPS

The Aces – When My Heart Felt Volcanic
Hinds – I Don’t Run
I’m With Her – See You Around


BEST PROMINENT USAGE OF A VERY RECOGNIZABLE SAMPLE TO MASK THE FACT THAT R&B LO-KEY BE RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS SOMETIMES

Jeremih “Forever I’m Ready”
Tamar Braxton “The Makings of You”
Mariah Carey “A No No”
Teyana Taylor “Gonna Love Me”
Drake “Emotionless”


BEST SONG FOR A DISCREET OFFICE TWERK OR CASUAL DESK CHAIR WINE

Django Django “Surface to Air”
JLo“El Anillo”
LANKS “twentyseven”
Marsha Ambrosius “I Got It Bad”
Michael Calfan “On You”
Little Mix “Strip”
Dua Lipa/Calvin Harris “One Kiss”
Normani/Calvin Harris “Checklist”


BEST ALBUM WHERE A PRODUCER GETS A LOT OF ARTISTS TO FEATURE INSTEAD OF WORKING ON ONE ARTIST’S WHOLE PROJECT

Swizz Beatz – POISON
David Guetta – 7
DJ Jazzy Jeff – M3
3LAU – Ultraviolet
Above & Beyond – Common Ground
Yellow Claw – New Blood


BEST BOP FROM THE GURLS WHO REALLY UNDERSTAND 90S R&B PRAISE GOD

Ella Mai “Dangerous”
Toni Romiti “Never Thought”
Sevyn Streeter “How Many”
Demetria McKinney “Easy”
Kelela “LMK – What’s Really Good Remix”
NIKI “Vintage”
Ravyn Lenae “Closer (Ode 2 U)”


BEST SONG BY A BOYBAND SINCE NSYNC IS STILL HOLDING OUT ON US

BTS – “134340”
Backstreet Boys – “Chances”
5 Seconds to Summer – “Meet You There”
The Vamps – “Just My Type”
EXO – “Tempo”
CNCO – “Estoy Enamorado de Ti”


And the last category is…

BEST USAGE OF CARDI B FOR EXTRA POPULARITY TO GET YOUR SINGLE SOME EXTRA SPINS AT RADIO

DJ Snake “Taki Taki”
Pardison Fontaine “Backin It Up”
Jennifer Lopez “Dinero”
Bruno Mars “Finesse”
Rita Ora “Girls”
Maroon 5 – “Girls Like You”

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