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Hot Takes: Maleficent, Mistress of Evil

Mistress of Evil is such a bad title. Anybody who saw the first one knows she’s not evil, and the second one should honestly be Maleficent: A Bad Bitch Who Is Tired Of Y’all Shit

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That dinner table scene with Angelina Jolie and Michelle Pfeiffer giving a masterclass in Diva Acting is currently my single favorite film sequence of 2019.

(The rest of the movie does not live up to that.)

Why doesn’t Angelina Jolie do comedies? She’s had “fun” moments in her action movies, but I would totally be here for Angelina Jolie in a comedic role that would normally go to Rose Byrne or Leslie Mann or Jane Lynch.

I read a review that said the effects looked too fake, so IDK if it was just me or because we saw it in IMAX, but I loved all the creatures and the action sequences. Looked top notch to me.

Fantasy movies need to stop giving men bad wigs. Either tell that man to grow his hair out or don’t bother. Prince Phillip looks a whole mess in that sensible-4th-grade-science-teacher wig.

If you liked the first one, you should like the second one, because there’s more plot and more interaction between a wider cast of characters. If you didn’t like the first one, don’t bother.

They were definitely watching Game of Thrones during the development of this movie. I wouldn’t be surprised if somebody said to Michelle Pfeiffer “play it like Cersei.” And they have a shot-for-shot remake of Daenerys and Drogon that literally made me laugh out loud.

Mistress of Evil is such a bad title. Anybody who saw the first one knows she’s not evil, and the second one should honestly be Maleficent: A Bad Bitch Who Is Tired Of Y’all Shit.

SPOILERS

There are some glaring plot holes! I enjoyed the movie but still.

Question One: We get to see where all of Maleficent’s people are, but no explanation of how she came to be and why she’s of the Phoenix bloodline? Or why she was raised on the Moors and not with her people? Or how her parents died? Or how the Dark Feys obviously knew about her, enough so that somebody was watching her to save her from a waterfall, but nobody was there five years ago when Stefan captured her in a net made of iron?

Question Two: How many kingdoms border the Moors? What happened to the kingdom that Aurora should be princess of? I’m sure it didn’t collapse just because the king died. It would still be there and most probably waging war against the fairies.

Question Three: If iron burns the fairies, how were all the soldiers shaking hands with the Dark Feys after the battle and helping them up and giving hugs and stuff? They were all in their armor!

Question Four: Maleficent’s true love was enough to wake up Aurora as her goddaughter, so why didn’t Aurora tell Prince Phillip to kiss his dad and wake him up? They could’ve stopped Queen Ingrith together!

Question Five: Why would you put Ed Skrein in your movie shirtless and then cover him with special effects scales and whatnot? That’s home of phobic.

6/10

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All the reasons I hate the Songbird trailer.

I don’t like when bad movies come out with Demi Moore in them. That’s not sitting right with my spirit. 

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Picture it. The year is 2023 and COVID-19 has mutated a couple of times, apparently to such a serious degree that this country has gone into a true lockdown for the past few years.

Michael Bay has turned that scenario into a horror/thriller/whatever and now I’m about to tell you all the things I hate about it, because that’s what I do, hate things.

(Wow, I’m such a wonderful and positive person how do I have any friends…)

First of all…do we need this movie? I mean a lot of things come out that nobody needed or asked for ::cough::CATS::cough:: but seriously….do we neeeeeeeed this movie? Right now? While countries like Germany and France are going back into lockdown? While we’re on the cusp of a winter spike and facing a lockdown as well? I don’t actually want to watch a scary movie about a thing I’m currently living through. Give me a couple of hundreds of years of remove from it. You know, like all those slavery movies.

Maybe the film will be different from the trailer, but I don’t necessarily want to watch a film where the main conflict seems to be about someone endangering others by refusing to comply with the orders given by the government to prevent the spread of disease. Yes, the measures in the movie look extreme and are probably beyond the pale in the context of this cinematic environment. But in real life, the government says “wear a mask” and all of these people who think they know better are refusing to do so and outright attacking people who are enforcing those mandates. A security guard just got stabbed 27 times the other day because he told two sisters to wear a mask and use hand sanitizer. I don’t want  a movie that empowers people to say “the government is overexaggerating! If we bow down, we’ll end up like these fictional people!”

Why is the Very Important And Special Savior always the most mediocre white man? Of course the guy with immunity who decides to break the law and save his girlfriend is a basic white man. It always is. Some white guy decides he knows better and wants to save his girlfriend…from a threat he can’t see and that she most likely has contracted because her infected Grandma was breathing all in her face. Yes, let’s save her because she showed you her Good China over Zoom these past few months.

Also. This don’t even look good and I don’t like when bad movies come out with Demi Moore in them. That’s not sitting right with my spirit.

 

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Hot Takes: Eurovision Song Contest – The Story of Fire Saga

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1) Not a single cell in my body wants to watch a Will Ferrell movie that’s over two hours long. That man ain’t funny to me, so just take that into consideration as you read the rest of these thoughts.

2) “Volcano Man” is really what Icelandic music sounds like! The lyrics really do be all over the place like that.

3) Why couldn’t they have cast a 50 year old actress to play against Will? The characters are supposed to be the same age. I’m sure there are plenty of 50-year-old women who would’ve wanted that role. It’s not that important, but I’ll never not notice and be annoyed when the leading man is a decade older than his female love interest even when they’re supposed to be the same age!

4) Demi Lovato be hollering.

5) The big Eurovision Mashup in the middle felt like Pitch Perfect but not nearly as good, and that is a shame. And they were so serious about it too!

6) This movie is not funny. I think I laughed twice. If you know me, that’s not a surprise, but I don’t think most comedies are all that funny, but I was also half-drunk watching this movie and still didn’t laugh. If you can’t make me laugh full of vodka, what are we doing here?

7) I love Eurovision because it’s so over the top and ridiculous. I watch at least some parts of it every year, and even some of the individual countries’ qualifying competitions. The little performance parts were some of the best parts of the movie, but instead of just relying on the inherent camp of the chosen acts, they tried to up the comedic factor and make it more ridiculous. But it didn’t make it funnier — it just felt like they were making fun of the contest. Ion like det.

8) I guess if you like Will Ferrell you can watch it, because it’s very much a Will Ferrell movie. Otherwise, skip it. There are so many other things to watch on Netflix right now.

9) One song “Husavik” is expertly crafted. It’s written to pull tears and emotion out of you the way Adele songs are written and it definitely has shades of “Never Enough” from The Greatest Showman. Skip the movie and just give that a listen, but I wish there was a version without Will Ferrell’s voice. I would probably put it on my 2020 playlist if he didn’t pop up and take me out of it.

Actually, I just listened to it again. I’m so ridiculously annoyed that he ruined an excellent song. It’s almost unlistenable.

eurovision

Score 2/10

 

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Hot Takes: The Hunt

I’m looking forward to Hilary Swank reclaiming her rightful place atop the list of Best Actresses of our Generation, even if that means stealing another Oscar from Annette Bening.

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1) I saw this trailer when I saw Invisible Man and I thought it looked ridiculous, so obviously I wanted to see it. It’s beyond ridiculous. I haven’t seen a bigger shitshow in ages.

2) I’m looking forward to Hilary Swank reclaiming her rightful place atop the list of Best Actresses of our Generation, even if that means stealing another Oscar from Annette Bening.

3) Wax on wax off! Hilary Swank can still kick ass! I don’t think I’ve seen a longer fight scene since Kill Bill.

4) I don’t usually enjoy movies where I have no one to root for, but I was pretty invested in these morally bankrupt humans from beginning to end.

5) I also don’t usually enjoy movies where you have to draw your own conclusions, but  the ending didn’t upset me.

6) This who’s who of actors you kind of recognize is pretty impressive. Anytime a new character came on the screen, we were like “oh hey isn’t that…you know…that guy from that show…you know the one…”

We rarely figured out who the person was, just that they looked familiar. Except the bully from Boy Meets World — I clocked him immediately.

7) I haven’t read any reviews, but the aggregate scores weren’t all that great so I’m assuming it wasn’t a critical darling, but I think it works pretty well as political satire. You could watch the movie through a lens of “The Right is bad and the Left is equally bad” which would understandably piss you off if you were a normal, decent human being, but I think that’s the wrong interpretation. I saw the movie not as a pronouncement on the beliefs of either side but moreso commentary on how terrible tribalism is and how it can blind extremists of either faction. I left with the sense that Liberals are still better than Conservatives, but Liberals with a blind allegiance to their set of beliefs can also do terrible things in the course of moral righteousness. Your feelings about the movie will probably depend on whether you agree with that premise or not.

8) The first 15/20 minutes are so exhilarating! Watch it in a group so you can yell together. It’s ridiculous in a very excellent way.

the hunt

Score: 7/10

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