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Hot Takes: Queen & Slim

The acting was great, I love the idea of the movie, and some individual scenes were really well done, but I was left more annoyed than fulfilled, more upset that grateful for the experience.

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Jodie Turner-Smith is a STAR and I will from this moment on watch any move she’s leading.

Also: I did not realize this was the same girl who was trolling the trolls about her relationship with Joshua Jackson. We stan even more.

Also Also: I would not be surprised if she made a push to play Storm once the MCU gets their XMen plans together. She’s tall enough, regal enough, dark enough, beautiful enough, and talented enough. Plus, she’s starting from a British accent, so she could do whatever accent they decide to give Ororo.

Slim is the dumbest character of 2019. Daniel is good in the role, but I couldn’t get into it because the character is annoying.

Melina Matsoukas is VERY MUCH a music video director. That’s not necessarily a good or bad thing, but a great many parts of Queen & Slim feel like a long-form music video, especially when she kept relying on voiceovers.

Lena Waithe did not know how to end this movie. It wasn’t perfect before the third act, but it definitely hit the skids once Chloe Sevigny and Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers show up.

Yes, Chloe and Flea are randomly in this for five minutes.

I’m definitely looking forward to Issa Rae’s Valentine’s Day movie next year. We deserve Black love stories that are just about Black people falling in love without a backdrop of danger.

 

SPOILERS!!!!!!

 

 

Why does this white man have a whole hiding place under his bedroom floor? What is he afraid of?!

All of the stuff in the house to wear, and Queen picked a spaghetti strap minidress and knee high boots? To run from the cops? When she’s been level-headed and sensible the entire movie? Slim is wearing a whole track suit and she’s in lingerie? Come on….

I get the “character development” arc for Queen, that she’s guarded and uptight and over the course of “falling in love” she becomes more spontaneous and carefree. But no. She didn’t really need to change. She was saddled with an idiot, and if they had split up and gone their separate ways, I guarantee she would’ve found a way to escape all by herself.

I don’t need to see Black people get shot. Ever again. I’ve grown up watching Black people get shot in the movies AND IN REAL LIFE so I don’t need a love story to end with the main characters full of bulletholes care of the police. This trope that a Black Film can’t be a Serious Film if it has a happy ending needs to die. We deserve happy endings SOMEWHERE because we sure as shit ain’t gettin them in real life. Let me go to the movies and watch this Black couple escape from a crime they shouldn’t have had to commit. Damn!

Let me also go to the movies without watching Black people perpetuate this Crabs In A Barrel mentality where we will sacrifice our own to White America just for a quick payday. I’m tired of it. I AM TIRED OF IT.

The whole police protest was unnecessary. Having Queen & Slim have sex interspersed with scenes from the police protest was unnecessary. Having that little boy shoot a BLACK cop in the face was unnecessary. The whole movie would’ve gotten two more points if that entire act had been left out.

The acting was great, I love the idea of the movie, and some individual scenes were really well done, but I was left more annoyed than fulfilled, more upset that grateful for the experience.

6.5 / 10

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Hot Takes: Eurovision Song Contest – The Story of Fire Saga

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1) Not a single cell in my body wants to watch a Will Ferrell movie that’s over two hours long. That man ain’t funny to me, so just take that into consideration as you read the rest of these thoughts.

2) “Volcano Man” is really what Icelandic music sounds like! The lyrics really do be all over the place like that.

3) Why couldn’t they have cast a 50 year old actress to play against Will? The characters are supposed to be the same age. I’m sure there are plenty of 50-year-old women who would’ve wanted that role. It’s not that important, but I’ll never not notice and be annoyed when the leading man is a decade older than his female love interest even when they’re supposed to be the same age!

4) Demi Lovato be hollering.

5) The big Eurovision Mashup in the middle felt like Pitch Perfect but not nearly as good, and that is a shame. And they were so serious about it too!

6) This movie is not funny. I think I laughed twice. If you know me, that’s not a surprise, but I don’t think most comedies are all that funny, but I was also half-drunk watching this movie and still didn’t laugh. If you can’t make me laugh full of vodka, what are we doing here?

7) I love Eurovision because it’s so over the top and ridiculous. I watch at least some parts of it every year, and even some of the individual countries’ qualifying competitions. The little performance parts were some of the best parts of the movie, but instead of just relying on the inherent camp of the chosen acts, they tried to up the comedic factor and make it more ridiculous. But it didn’t make it funnier — it just felt like they were making fun of the contest. Ion like det.

8) I guess if you like Will Ferrell you can watch it, because it’s very much a Will Ferrell movie. Otherwise, skip it. There are so many other things to watch on Netflix right now.

9) One song “Husavik” is expertly crafted. It’s written to pull tears and emotion out of you the way Adele songs are written and it definitely has shades of “Never Enough” from The Greatest Showman. Skip the movie and just give that a listen, but I wish there was a version without Will Ferrell’s voice. I would probably put it on my 2020 playlist if he didn’t pop up and take me out of it.

Actually, I just listened to it again. I’m so ridiculously annoyed that he ruined an excellent song. It’s almost unlistenable.

eurovision

Score 2/10

 

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Hot Takes: The Hunt

I’m looking forward to Hilary Swank reclaiming her rightful place atop the list of Best Actresses of our Generation, even if that means stealing another Oscar from Annette Bening.

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1) I saw this trailer when I saw Invisible Man and I thought it looked ridiculous, so obviously I wanted to see it. It’s beyond ridiculous. I haven’t seen a bigger shitshow in ages.

2) I’m looking forward to Hilary Swank reclaiming her rightful place atop the list of Best Actresses of our Generation, even if that means stealing another Oscar from Annette Bening.

3) Wax on wax off! Hilary Swank can still kick ass! I don’t think I’ve seen a longer fight scene since Kill Bill.

4) I don’t usually enjoy movies where I have no one to root for, but I was pretty invested in these morally bankrupt humans from beginning to end.

5) I also don’t usually enjoy movies where you have to draw your own conclusions, but  the ending didn’t upset me.

6) This who’s who of actors you kind of recognize is pretty impressive. Anytime a new character came on the screen, we were like “oh hey isn’t that…you know…that guy from that show…you know the one…”

We rarely figured out who the person was, just that they looked familiar. Except the bully from Boy Meets World — I clocked him immediately.

7) I haven’t read any reviews, but the aggregate scores weren’t all that great so I’m assuming it wasn’t a critical darling, but I think it works pretty well as political satire. You could watch the movie through a lens of “The Right is bad and the Left is equally bad” which would understandably piss you off if you were a normal, decent human being, but I think that’s the wrong interpretation. I saw the movie not as a pronouncement on the beliefs of either side but moreso commentary on how terrible tribalism is and how it can blind extremists of either faction. I left with the sense that Liberals are still better than Conservatives, but Liberals with a blind allegiance to their set of beliefs can also do terrible things in the course of moral righteousness. Your feelings about the movie will probably depend on whether you agree with that premise or not.

8) The first 15/20 minutes are so exhilarating! Watch it in a group so you can yell together. It’s ridiculous in a very excellent way.

the hunt

Score: 7/10

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Reminder: All the big cats in Zootopia can get it.

Especially the fat gay cop who obviously has great snacks and cuddles the best.

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zoo1

Bus Zaddy might be taking public transportation but I know he has good credit and is just saving the planet.  Husband material tbh.

zoo2

Mayor Dickmedownpls probably never empties the dishwasher but I will still cornrow his hair tho.  He prolly talks dirty and leaves a lil bruise.

zoo3

Officer Thickums said fuck a sit-up, I only sweat on the way to a nut like a power bottom at Ptown bear week. And then we play video games.

zoo4

Circuit gays who skip leg day are kind of a nightmare, but let’s be honest, I did grow up on Sean Cody and Corbin Fisher so…

 

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