Mayor Pete’s Millennial Resume

How do you get a job in today’s climate? The first step is the resume. Not only do you tailor it to the job you want, but you might exaggerate a little here and there. Receptionist becomes Executive Assistant. Head Cashier becomes Assistant Manager. And knowing a smattering of words in a few languages becomes speaks eight languages.

In a country where a huge portion of the population is firmly against learning even the most basic phrases in Spanish because [MAGA accent] “we speak English in ‘Murrkka,” you wouldn’t think a boring white guy bragging about his linguistic talents would be an advantage to securing any political position, but it’s just the kind of thing that would impress someone without being threatening. He’s not a dreaded SPANISH-speaker trying to woo the Mexicans by offering them our excellent healthcare system and wondrous selection of minimum wage jobs. He’s MULTI-lingual, which means he’s super smart and he’s seen the world. He speaks NORWEGIAN, after all, so he’s gotta be pretty daggum intelligent, right?

Let’s be clear: I could not possibly care less about Norway or how many languages a potential candidate for President of the United States can speak. I don’t care if Pete can speak Norwegian. I care that he says out of the eight languages he allegedly speaks (not just knows a little bit of here and there, but speaks) Norwegian is one of his best. If this is his self-described best of anything I don’t need to see more. He’s mediocre, a liar, or both. Either his very best is unimpressive and rudimentary, and/or he lied about this being his best. Whatever your interpretation, it disqualifies him from being the nominee.

Mayor Pete is just a lump of nothing. Speaking eight languages is a weird kind of brag you use to impress Midwestern white people with your personal brand of intelligence they can neither relate to nor check up on. There’s no Norwegian population in South Bend to check him on that. There’s nobody there who speaks eight languages. It’s something he exaggerated early on in Indiana and he can’t walk back the lie now that he’s on the national stage, forced to impress a whole country.

It fits in with his pattern of behavior. Knowing some phrases in multiple languages became “speaks eight languages.” Having dinner at some Black restaurants in South Carolina became “partnered with local businesses.”

Pete Buttigieg is working hard to convince black voters that they should support him. To do this, he’s promoting his “Frederick Douglass Plan,” which he describes as “a comprehensive investment in the empowerment of Black America.” That’s from an op-ed that Buttigieg wrote last week for The State, a local newspaper based in Columbia, South Carolina, in which he writes: “That begins with entrepreneurship, and our campaign has proudly partnered with local businesses like Diane’s Kitchen in Chester, Atlantis Restaurant in Moncks Corner and the Fair Deal Grocery on Charleston’s Eastside.”

There’s one major problem with the strategy though: apparently those businesses are unaware that they’ve partnered with Buttigieg.

[Diane Cole of Diane’s Kitchen] ultimately told the campaign, “It sounds like you’re saying that I am your business partner. I’m only going to accept that you all stopped in while you were campaigning in South Carolina and I welcomed you all.”

The story was the same with Atlantis Restaurant. The Buttigieg campaign held an event at the restaurant in January, but owner Wendell Varner didn’t learn that the campaign claimed they were in a partnership until ABC News contacted him. Varner said, “It’s a little disheartening to say that—that they would say that we have a partnership with them when we don’t.” The Buttigieg campaign responded to that statement by insisting that Atlantis Restaurant said it was “proud to partner with Mayor Pete in January.” Varner then replied to ABC News again to stress that he was in no way partnered with Buttigieg, saying his relationship with the campaign went no further than “they paid us to have an event at our restaurant.”

(cont. GQ)

Mayor Pete is essentially running for President the way a Millennial would apply for an office job: here are my real qualifications but how can I re-word and slightly exaggerate them on my resume to impress Human Resources?

The problem for Pete is, America’s HR department is us, and we can spot the bullshit in real time thanks to the Internet.

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