I can’t walk.

Well, I should be on my way to work, but since I can’t get out of bed, I’m just lying here waiting for one of my roommates to wake up and help me move around.

Let’s go back to the beginning (since I have the time)!

I started my new job last week and I would go into more detail, but there’s a lot of HIPAA stuff and I just don’t really want to blow up my spot. I’ll say a few things:

  • I work with a lot of doctors.
  • Literally everyone who works there is lovely — the people who run it will actually decline to accept a practitioner who has a nasty attitude.
  • I foresee this being my favorite job I’ve ever had up to this point.
  • My health insurance (when it starts next month) will be amazing and completely employer-funded.

The other day I was talking to Travis about how happy I was at work, but that I was having trouble sleeping because I had so much anxiety waiting for something else to go wrong. I haven’t posted everything I went through last year online because it’s a lot and really depressing and I didn’t want to keep bringing everybody down, but let’s just say I was very much at the end of my rope and had run out of ways to climb out of this ditch that kept deepening.

Yesterday, that something else to go wrong happened.

The girl who is training me this week needed to use my computer (formerly her computer) to get some passwords and stuff, and while she did that, I decided to start on a little organizational project in a spare room. I want to turn it into our package room, but it needs to be cleaned out and organized. I bent down to pick up a box of tissues, felt a twinge in my lower back, and collapsed in a puddle on the floor. I have never had a back problem and I’ve never felt a pain like that in my life. I rubbed the spot where it hurt and crawled to a chair, but that’s the best I could do. I sat in there for twenty minutes in tears, rubbing my back and trying to stand up.

After I made it to my feet, I hobbled out of the room — bent over at a 90 degree angle — and shuffled down the hallway a few paces before I heard a woman behind me.

“What happened?”

I don’t know! I bent over to pick something up and collapsed. I can’t stand up.

(half-dragging me) “Come with me.”

Uh, what do you do here?

“I’m a chiropractor.”

OH OKAY!

So “Dr. Candice” pulled me into her room and on the table and started examining me. She said I have stress in my lower back and muscle knots and it was a back spasm waiting to happen. A few months ago I was putting lotion on my back and I noticed this hard spot and honest to god, I thought it was just a bone I never realized was there before. Didn’t even think anything else about it. It’s a knot. I was so stressed out all last year I made myself a cute lil knot of muscle in my lower back.

Candice worked me out for about ten minutes and it was like magic! She is hella strong and by the time she finished, I could stand up, and my pain had subsided from a 10 to a 4. I went back to my desk to do some more work and she told me to come see her if it started to act up again.

Sidenote: The super cool thing about working with fun doctors is if they can treat it, they will. There’s an allergist who is going to do tests on me next week because I was telling her nurse how I’d had about six anaphylactic reactions in boarding school and three over the past seven months (part of my stress, almost dying three times while unemployed with no health insurance).

Anyway, my back got progressively tighter and tighter as the day went on, and when Candice was between patients, she stopped by the desk and hooked me up to this:

I wasn’t listening when she told me what it was, but I looked it up this morning (because I desperately need one at home!) and it’s a TENS unit. It sends electrical impulses to wherever you attach the pads. Candice put them on me where it hurt most, told me to wear it for about an hour, and increase the intensity as I got used to the levels.

Again — MAGIC! Pain went down to a 2. Y’all I was so excited about it I text so many people just to tell them my back went out and a doctor saved me for free.

When it was time for me to leave, I was nervous about having to take the subway because I didn’t know when I’d be in pain again. I made it home with no problem, cooked dinner, baked cookies. The only time it really hurt was when I had to change positions from sitting to standing. Otherwise it was more of a dull ache. I went to bed last night and really didn’t think about it.

Five AM, woke up almost screaming. I sleep on my back and I was in mid-turn to my side and jolted awake with the same intense pain I had yesterday. I just laid there on my side until I had to pee and then I tried to get out of bed. LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE. I cannot express to you the level of pain. If it was a 10 yesterday when I collapsed, it’s like a 20 when I try to swing my feet off the bed so I can stand up. I would roll out of bed and crawl, but my bed is too high off the ground and I would probably hurt myself.

(this part is gross — skip this paragraph if you want to maintain a Pristine Classy Image of me)

There’s no way I can make it to the bathroom so my options are limited. Pee in the bed (no), pee off the bed onto the floor where I have my clothes from the past two days (no), pee in one of the bottles I keep next to the bed to spit in when I have snot in the morning (I know, it’s gross, but getting up to go spit in the sink every time I have to clear the drainage in the back of my throat is annoying, and using tissue is needlessly wasteful, so I spit in an empty Soylent bottle and then throw it away when I do finally get up). So that’s what I did. I painfully rolled to the edge of the bed, put my dick in the bottle, and peed (finally, having a big penis pays off in some part of my life where a white bottom isn’t being problematic).

(you can start reading again now if you skipped that!)

So anyway. That’s my life right now. I can’t get out of bed. I think I’m going to ask one of my roommates to go out and buy me a TENS unit and I can pay them back when I get paid? That worked so fast and so well yesterday, I think I can get by using that as my pain management system until I can get a full workup done and find out what’s wrong with me.

😦

I’m gonna try to get up again. I’ve been rolling from side to side a little so maybe it’s loosened up! Wish me luck!

🙂

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