So on Friday, Travis (roommate / gay BFF) said, “hey let’s get our buttholes waxed tomorrow.”
Me: Sure, what time?
Travis: around 3?
Me: Sounds great.
Because that’s just a completely normal request when you have a gay roommate.
Actually, we had talked about it before because he’s done it a few times and I never have, and I sort of half-committed to it thinking we wouldn’t really get around to it, but looks like we just got around to it. So off I went to the Internet to see what guys had to say about getting the hair ripped out around their lil starfish.
Where were all the testimonials? Where were the step by step accounts of the day? I found blogs with tips, but they were all third person. I want a man with a hairy crack to sit down and tell me, another man with a hairy crack, what it’s like to get all those follicles ripped away like hope from the hands of a crumbling democracy. Would it be as painful?
First thing’s first: showertime!
Now me, as a person with common sense and the ability to feel shame, cannot imagine opening my asshole up to a perfect stranger unless it is SPARKLING clean. You need to be able to eat breakfast off that thing if I’m going to throw my legs up and wink. Oddly enough, when you book a crackwax online, they do tell you to shower first, so this leads me to believe that some people are indeed showing up for undercarriage grooming without a run through the carwash.
So I showered up, paying special attention to Mr. Hankey’s Front Door.
I used this Teakwood bodywash from Bath & Body Works because it smells way more expensive than it is, and I think if I was a booty waxer, I would appreciate a nice waft of class and sophistication. I shaved my butt the last time a few months ago for our end of summer trip to a nude beach, so I felt around back there to confirm the hair was long enough. The wax gotta have something to grip, so guys, don’t trim for awhile. Also, the websites say don’t put on lotion because the wax won’t grip as well if the hair is slicked up, and that is very hard for me as an ashy Black person in the crisp autumn air, so I still did my moisturizing routine and just skipped the parts where Esmerelda would have to go.
I don’t know what the waxer’s name was but I think Esmerelda is a nice name.
Area prepped and clean, time to go! But first…I took two ibuprofen. I read on a couple of lady waxing websites that if you take a couple of ibuprofen about 30 minutes before your wax, it could help with pain management. I have seen enough waxing on television to know that I would like to avoid yelling in a public business if at all possible because I was raised with manners, so I popped a couple before we hopped on the subway.
Travis goes to Bliss on 57th, so that’s where we went.
Travis: Hey, are you doing walk-ins?
Bliss Lady: Sure, we’re pretty booked, what are you looking to have done?
Travis: We want a waxing.
Bliss Lady: Oh that should be fine. Can I ask what you’re looking to have waxed?
Travis: Between the cheeks! (That’s what they call their mancrack waxing.)
Bliss Lady: No problem…well we have one spot available, but the next isn’t open until next Saturday.
Me: (thinking: Damn, where everybody going that they need to get waxed so much that they’re booked for a whole week?)
Bliss Lady: We only have one person who does that wax.
Travis: Ohhh…okay we might make an appointment but we wanna call around first.
Bliss Lady: Okay! Sorry about that!
When I left my apartment and got on the train, I had steeled myself for the experience. I was mentally prepared to get hair ripped out of my body, but this little pause in the process brought my anxiety up a few notches. I was suddenly nervous about it wondering, Is this something I really need to do? I’m not dating anyone. I can’t even get a date. And if I could, I don’t bottom anyway. Maybe I’ll go home and watch the Cooking Channel…
But Travis was already looking at the other Bliss Spas, getting ready to call, so I just kept my mouth shut and tried to re-center my spirit. I also remembered that one of my friends had told me he got his hole waxed for years and years, and his favorite place was Uni K Wax Studio, which was only a few blocks away from where we were. Travis called them and they made two appointments for 15 minutes later. Off we go!
We got to Uni K and everything was nice and clean. Maybe not as clean as my pre-wax hole, but definitely just as bright and shiny. The lady at the front desk realized Travis was the appointment from the phone call earlier and checked him in when we walked in, and then she left for a break or something. A few minutes later, a 60-year-old South Asian woman in full gear came out and told him to come back. She looked like she was about to deliver a baby.
And I just stood there awkwardly for a few minutes wondering if our appointments were one after another? Was there another lady to tend to my own hedges? Did I even have an appointment or did she misunderstand over the phone? For the second time that day I thought to myself again, Maybe I should just go home and watch the Cooking Channel…
The lady at the desk (not the one who checked Travis in, a replacement lady while the original was in the back getting coffee or something) finished her phone call so I asked about my appointment.
Uni K Lady: You have an appointment too?
Me: Yeah, he made two appointments over the phone.
Uni K Lady: Hmmm…..hey come here!
OG Uni K Lady: What!
Uni K Lady: He have an appointment?!
OG Uni K Lady: [comes back to the desk] Yeah I made two. One for Travis and one for Friend. See?
Uni K Lady: OK yes you have an appointment. Same thing?
Me: Uh….[nerves! nerves! nerves!] yeah…
Uni K Lady: OK just a few minutes.
And I waited. A few minutes later, Travis came out and he looked fine. No tears. No obvious trauma. I couldn’t see his hole, but I may have detected a slight joyful spring in his step, so I assume all was well Downtown. Esmerelda was right behind him and motioning me to step on back, so I followed her into the Hallowed Halls of Hair Removal and she took me to a waxing room.
Esmerelda: You prepare, I’ll be right back.
I wasn’t 100% sure what I was supposed to be doing to prepare other than taking my pants and underwear off. I did that and then I was just standing awkwardly in this little room. Then I saw little packet with a wipe in it, so I opened it and refreshed the mancave, and just stood there for a minute wondering what position I would be in. When I’ve seen it on TV, they’re on all fours or they’re on their back with their knees up. I thought maybe waiting for her on all fours wouldn’t be the most graceful position with Esmerelda basically opening the door and walking right into my balloon knot, so I opted to lie on my back with my hands folded across my chest, shirt on, draws off, like a vampire in Winnie the Pooh cosplay.
Esmerelda came in and said, “oh you want the front too?”
NO MA’AM I DO NOT!
Me: Oh, no, I just didn’t know what position. I’ve never done this.
Esmerelda: Ok turn over.
Esmerelda: Hold your cheeks apart.
Me: Yes, Daddy. Oops, sorry, natural reflex.
Me: [jk guys, I didn’t say anything, I just held my cheeks open]
And then Esmerelda went to work. I couldn’t see what technique she was using, but she was getting the wax up in there. It was warm and didn’t feel unpleasant at all. I just tried to picture getting a massage on an island vacation, kept breathing regularly, and waited for her to get one of those white strips to put on the wax. The strip never came. I laid there with wax on both sides of my crack and down in the undercarriage while it dried. I learned online later that she was using hard wax.
Soft wax is when they dribble that syrup-consistency wax on your legs, back, whatever large area, press the white strip over it, and then rip it off. Hard wax, which the internet says is better for sensitive areas, is thicker and you let it harden before you rip off the wax itself. You can read about them here if you’re trying to decide.
Anyway, Esmerelda touched around the edges a bit and I felt like it was time for the big moment! I took a deep breath, gritted my teeth, and —
I just exhaled. It wasn’t that bad! It wasn’t the best sensation of my life, but I didn’t yelp, I didn’t see stars, no tears came to my eyes. I just breathed in again and waited for the next one. She ended up doing some areas twice (which you can do with hard wax) until everything was gone. Then she rubbed some lotion around (to minimize inflammation I assume) and told me I was finished. She left the room, and I went over to the mirror to see what I could see!!
I couldn’t see much. 🙁
But I bent over in front of the mirror when I got home and I feel like a brand new woman!
Other than that, no lasting trauma from yesterday’s wax. I was a little tingly down there for a little while after and I showered to wash off a few tiny couple of bits of wax, but that was it. The whole thing lasted maybe 15 minutes and now I have an asshole worthy of any display case at Tiffany’s.
That’s it. That’s the end. No real revelations other than it doesn’t hurt nearly as bad as it looks like it does on TV and in the movies. In terms of hair, I don’t really have a whole lot to begin with, but Travis has a hairy butt. Plus, he’s waxed the front once too, and he agrees that a crackwax isn’t that bad, and the front hurts way worse. From what I understand from the internet, a boyzilian or a manzilian is when you wax the whole kit and kaboodle from front to back, but there’s no real name for just doing the back. I think crackwax should catch on personally…
So if you’re thinking about it, just go for it. The anticipation is worse than the event, and if you hate the way it looks, good news! It’ll grow back and you’ll have your hairy hole again in no time.
Simone Biles and the Twisties.
Adventures in rehab.
99% of COVID deaths in the US are unvaccinated.
Take this Jim Crow era literacy test for Black people.
99% of COVID deaths in the US are unvaccinated.
A long weekend.
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