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The Real Housewives of New Jersey trailer is out.

Will this be the first Housewives franchise to actually produce a successful COVID Season?

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Let’s just suspend belief for a moment and pretend half this cast isn’t Trump Trash because it’s 2021 and if I wanna be a hypocrite and watch rich white Republican ladies on television that’s what I’m gonna do. The new trailer for season 11 is here and y’all. I’m sold! Will this be the first Housewives franchise to actually produce a successful COVID Season?

New Jersey has had highs and lows but I am genuinely excited for this new season so let’s just run it down real quick in order of Cast Importance (To Me):

6) Jackie

I like Jackie, so she’s not bottom of the barrel because she’s awful, but she’s still relatively new and I don’t know exactly what she’s bringing to this new season other than tears and (more?) lip fillers. Are we to believe that her husband is hooking up behind her back at the gym? I don’t believe it for one second, but I do believe someone like Teresa might hear that rumor somewhere and then bring it to the show because she hates Jackie. And Teresa is by far the dumbest Housewife ever cast on any franchise. She can barely tell the difference between a rock and a potato, so I know she’s not smart enough to separate fact from fiction.

5) Margaret

What ingredients does Marge bring to the New Jersey casserole without Danielle as her arch nemesis? I’m intrigued by this fight in the trailer where she’s yelling at her husband, but I can’t imagine what actual sin would be committed by Marge’s Joe (not to be confused with Teresa’s Ex Joe, or Melissa’s Joe — dear god can we get some new names on The Joe Show?). From what I can tell, and admittedly I do not pay super close attention to anything in New Jersey, Joe seems to be the Holy Trinity of Boring Husbands — no personality, no job, and no sneaking around behind Marge’s back — so I’m almost positive that scene is just a blip in the context of the rest of the season.

4) Dolores

New Jersey’s Favorite Undercover Mulattress is back because Teresa has to have a ride or die in the cast or the show won’t work. Thankfully, that means her ex-husband Frank is back, who I love and adore and would let [censored for family audiences]. Dolores has recently been pretending she has value to the cast outside of Teresa, so I’m mildly interested to find out why she’s throwing everybody out of her house. However, I’m still more interested in her Ancestry Dot Com results than anything else because that lady has a Black grandparent I swear to god.

3) Melissa

Speaking of Househusbands I would let [censored again stop judging me], my favorite Meatball Guido is as juiced up as ever, and if I wasn’t so concerned about my health and well-being, I would run headfirst into that sexy ball of roid rage. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it forever until Andy listens to me, Joe Gorga is the best Real Housewife who’s never been given a contract, closely followed by Marlo and Sutton. Props to Melissa for being just interesting enough to stay on the screen and build enough notoriety for herself to be slightly independent, but if she wasn’t married to Joe, she would’ve been on for two-seasons at best. Joe would still film because Teresa is his sister, and that drama is what made New Jersey great to me back in the day. Family drama always has a lil more seasoning than drama manufactured by rich white women loosely connected through social circles and a television contract. Joe Gorga is as much of a crook as Joe Giudice and I’m ready to watch that play out with the two wheels spinning in Teresa’s empty head before one falls off the axle and rattles around while she tries to find a coherent argument. Also, does it need to be said that I am very much here for Frank kissing Joe’s ass? [The next five sentences are censored, but may appear on Nifty Dot Com] Joe, if you get sent to prison and Melissa leaves you, I’m available for conjugal visits.

2) Teresa

Teresa is an idiot, but the show doesn’t work without her. No cast is as tied to one cast member as New Jersey is tied to Teresa. They stopped production for a whole year because they couldn’t film without her while she was in jail. That is the only reason she’s number two for me. Thankfully, Teresa is single and ready to mingle. She’s rich, she’s toned, and she’s pushed her hairline back over the years, so the men she is bringing around to mingle with are a welcome distraction from her limited grasp of the English language. I’m still voting for the poolboy with diamond cutters for nipples, but literally anybody is a step up from the Koopa Troopa she was previously married to.

1) Jennifer

Oh Jennifer. What an iconic Housewife very much in danger of flaming out too soon. Mrs. Aydin is flying very close to the sun, but Jennifer is what happens when a fan gets cast and fulfills the assignment correctly as opposed to whatever Drew and Latoya are doing in Atlanta. Jennifer is juuuusssst delusional enough to blow a fight out of proportion, but not so out of touch that she’s hard to watch. She’s an instigator with a touching family storyline, a fresh new face, and an even fresher drinking problem…that may damage her new mug because mama was face down on the concrete! What’s the story?! I need to know where this booze spiral is coming from! We already know her husband can’t hold his liquor, so do we have two slushbags stumbling around that big ugly mansion (that they bought just for the show because they thought their old house was too small and that’s why she couldn’t get cast initially)?

Anyway, I think this season of New Jersey will surprise us. The girls are looking goodt and the boys are looking messy and the stories are looking dramatic and only slightly manufactured so I’m here for it. Bring on the Jersey trash. I love judging people.

 

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Hot Takes: The Housewife & The Hustler

This is a good True Crime Documentary for anybody, not just Housewives fans.

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1. Imagine sitting at home with a bowl of popcorn watching a documentary about how your co-worker funds her hobby with money her husband stole from burn victims and families of plane crash victims? What is it like being on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills right now?!

2. You don’t need to like, watch, or even be remotely familiar with The Real Housewives (of Beverly Hills or anywhere else) to enjoy this quick little documentary. If you like true crime and/or you enjoy that feeling of outrage you get watching grifters grift, this is just another documentary about rich people stealing money.

3. For backstory: Erika Girardi was a young, struggling actress who married a mega-wealthy lawyer 40ish years her senior, Tom Girardi (of Erin Brockovich fame). She then decided she wanted to become a popstar and Tom funded her career, spending millions of dollars to turn her into a bonafide artist (she had nine consecutive number one hits on the Billboard Dance/Club chart, before she was ever on Real Housewives. Only Katy Perry, JLo, and Madonna have longer unbroken strings of hits.) Now she’s divorcing him because he’s a grifter and she’s pretending she didn’t know about it.

4. The fact that the first person we see in this documentary is Danielle ProstitutionWhore Staub absolutely sent me to the moon.

5. I’m ready to fight when somebody owes me $50. If I gave you money, but then I see you on Instagram at the club, I’m ready to fight, because you are drinking the money you should be giving back to me. I cannot imagine the amount of rage in my spirit if I knew you owed me millions and millions of dollars and I see your wife on TV spending my money on hair and makeup and clothes. I would be in jail right now.

6. The fact that Erika is still filming the show is beyond my powers of comprehension. Your husband, who stole money from his clients to fund your career and your image because you wanted to be a celebrity and you wanted to be on a reality TV show, is giving depositions about being broke….and you are still letting the cameras follow you and your $2,000 a day glam squad? Are you joking?

7. She absolutely knew. I think Tom was a grifter long before Erika came into the picture and she genuinely had no knowledge of his business when they got married. I think she was young and saw a meal ticket, which isn’t a judgement of her character. Tom saw youth, beauty, vitality. Erika saw money and stability. And they both like each other. Great partnership. But you cannot convince me that she didn’t put the pieces together over the years and she was just sitting in the dark about everything her husband was doing.

8. And she divorced him so she could shelter his ill-gotten assets under her own corporation.

9. Tom Girardi is going to jail. I don’t know what would make a crook want to go on national television and risk being exposed, but we saw the same thing with Russell Armstrong (and he eventually committed suicide because of the light shown on his shady business due to his wife’s visibility on this same franchise.)

10. This is so dark. I just be trynna watch Housewives for petty arguments and fashions. It feels so dirty watching Erika walk around in Chanel now…

Score: 8/10

 

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Vanity Fair: A Different World: Cast Members and Crew Tell the Oral History

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In 1987, one of television’s most influential shows was born. The stars, writers, and producers look back on their years at Hillman College.

(cont.)

This is faaaannnnntastic!

Random things I did not know:

Meg Ryan was almost cast as Marisa Tomei’s character.

Dawnn Lewis wrote the theme song for A Different World — is that common knowledge?? Am I late?

Jasmine Guy got the role of Whitley and 20 minutes later was sitting at a table read.

A Different World was the #2 show, between Cosby and Cheers. I didn’t realize it had been so big.

Yvette Lee Bowser fought for a job on that show. It was her first one and she was a glorified intern for awhile. And look at her now!

This wasn’t in the article but I just looked it up: A Different World still holds the record for the highest rated premiere pilot.

 

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Watch: Abbott Elementary (ABC) first look teaser

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From “he got money” to “she got top billing over Sheryl Lee Ralph in a network sitcom”

We must AS A FAMILY throw our entire weight behind this show. How often do we see Black people — not beige ones either! — leading a primetime sitcom? That they’re also creating and writing?!

 

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